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Original poster

Recovery from sexual harassment in work

92 replies

DailyFailAteMyFish · 28/05/2016 09:29

Hi,
Anyone have any books/websites I could read to help recovery from an incident of sexual harassment in work? It was a bit unsavory and has knocked my confidence a bit. I work in a male dominated industry and was on a promotion track. I am so angry with this guy and so angry with myself that a few comments and can have such an impact.

OP posts:
Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 14/06/2016 18:23

Thanks so much everyone.
So I feel I'm actually doing something I have drafted an email that outlines the date of the incident, my complaint and the disciplinary and advised I don't believe this is healthy for either of us. I put in stuff about the team and how I've repeatedly said the relationship has broken down.
So I'll send this on Thursday when it has been 2 weeks and see where it gets me.

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DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 14/06/2016 17:51

I am appalled but not surprised that he's still there.

Of course your right to not have to work with someone who has been found guilty of sexually harassing you trumps his. Get writing your draft, I have a feeling you will have to write that letter, though I would hope you wouldn't have to.

Are you in the same building? Is he still emailing you directly? It's not right, not fair on you.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 14/06/2016 10:15

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Kidnapped · 14/06/2016 10:01

Wait until Thursday and then raise it again with your manager under the "It's been X weeks since the incident happened and 2 weeks already since you informed me that colleague will be moved. This has not yet happened and clearly this resolution should be acted upon quickly in the interests of the company" type of thing.

Make sure you put your questions in writing. If they are feeble in their response then there are a few options that you could consider.

  • If they can't find a job for him then they could put him on garden leave until such time as they can.
  • Alternatively you could suggest that you work from home until such time as he has been transferred.
  • You consult with a solicitor regarding your employment rights.
Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 14/06/2016 07:33

Well he was still there yesterday.
I wonder in this situation whose rights trump whose? Mine not to have a hostile workplace or his to have a job?
If they can't find another role for him do his rights mean he can just stay on where he is?
I suspect I'm over thinking, I just need to be patient.

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Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 13/06/2016 07:35

Thanks!
Hoping this will all be done and dusted this week.

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DecaffCoffeeAndRollupsPlease · 13/06/2016 00:15

I hope they follow through with moving him, quickly- you shouldn't have to continue to work with him.

erinaceus · 12/06/2016 09:22

Oh and so much for the support of my HR department

Someone once told me that "what you have to remember is that HR are on the side of the organisation".

This way of thinking about HR does help me to manage my expectations of them.

As Buffy said, look after yourself Flowers. What you are doing is courageous, and you are wise to retain a paper trail.

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 11/06/2016 13:57

Thanks all of you for finding a positive way to pitch this experience. If I do go into management I will be more aware of the processes and also the support that people need. I was basically a wreck for the time the process took. I will aim to remember the stress, the anger and the shame and turn them into something beneficial.
I've been so fortunate to find such sensible support here and my husband has been brilliant.

I'm also telling my female colleages. The reason why the guy was not sacked was because there were no other reported incidents and yet once I scratched the surface all these little tiny incidents rose up.

In terms of what I expect to happen next, I think I should have got something formal that outlined the results of the disciplinary, but it hasn't come through. I've already been told informally by my manager what the results were but the timeline is not fixed. If they don't move on this by mid next week then you're right. I should set out my concerns in writing and ensure that there is a paper trail in place.
Thanks again everyone for taking an interest.

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JedRambosteen · 11/06/2016 10:02

If you want to move more into management, then this horrible incident could actually be of help to you in terms of promotion.

Experiences like this always increase your knowledge of HR policies, legal context and how to/not to handle it if you come across a case as a line manager in your own career. It is clear you would be more proactive in dealing with it if you were supporting a colleague through it.

Is there any way you can set out what you think they should be doing & your concerns? (And get it in writing so you have a paper trail.) It strikes me they aren't trying all that hard - or so it seems - and you may need to escalate this a later point. Setting out your concerns now will strengthen your case later on if they've been feeble in sorting it out.

And a sincere, supportive pat on the back for tackling this. Well done!

Kidnapped · 11/06/2016 09:54

Bloody hell DailyFail, you are admirable.

You've taken on his behaviour when previous people in your position have looked the other way. If they were unaware of his behaviour then they should have been aware of it. This is a management failure whatever way you look at it.

Your company has forced you to deal with something that should never have occurred in the workplace. That is their responsibility and they should acknowledge that.

Make sure you raise how well you have dealt with it at your next appraisal under Achievements and how you expect to be acknowledged and rewarded for it. I am serious. You have gone beyond what is expected of you and you have shown how well you can deal with difficult situations even when they are personally very upsetting.

If you want to move more into management, then this horrible incident could actually be of help to you in terms of promotion.

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 11/06/2016 09:19

Hi Oubliette,
Thanks! Well done on reporting to HR. You were very brave to go through with it. It's not an easy thing to do. It will help if he steps out of line or someone else comes forwards. There has to be a trail because if people don't speak up, then it looks like the bad behaviour is tolerated and acceptable.

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Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 11/06/2016 09:14

Thanks Buffy, I'm looking forward to him being moved and then I'll have the space to breathe.
What got me in the week was a friend saying to me 'so basically all the upper management have read this guy's comments about your arse'. Yes, yes they have.
I'm not sure what the alternative is and I'm trying to open about it, because otherwise he wins.

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OublietteBravo · 11/06/2016 09:07

I just wanted to say well done on being the person who actually did something about his behaviour. I had an issue with harassment at work late last year, and although I reported it to HR, I didn't push it further. Perhaps I should have done.

BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 11/06/2016 08:55

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Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 11/06/2016 08:50

Oh and so much for the support of my HR department who were supposed to send on the results of the grievance last week and who have not.

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Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 11/06/2016 08:42

Hi Buffy!
Thanks for asking!
Biggest problem is that the guy is still there. It seems they can't find a place for him elsewhere in the company (or they haven't been trying too hard) so even though he doesn't speak to me, he still emails and I am still checking his work. My manager is copied on all the exchanges.
I raised it yesterday as I thought it was getting ridiculous.
I also heard that the guy has a known issue with alcohol and is a violent drunk. A colleague told me some personal things about the guy and it appears he has been low level unpleasant to women in the company but never reported.
It was funny how after I told my story so many other stories started to leak out. It went from being 'oh, so and so is very good at that technical thing' to 'ah, I'm not surprised he used to watch me like a dirty old man'.
It also looks like management in my area have all been told. Eugh.

Still, I am trying to turn the anger and frustration into something positive. I'm going to start driving lessons. I'm halfway through week 2 of the couch to 5k. I'm hoping to start jujitsu next week. I have put away my book on learning how to harness the powers of introversion and have bought 'you are a badass'.

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BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 10/06/2016 07:10

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 03/06/2016 07:07

Thanks erinaceus and thank you for your help up thread. I'm hoping the response from HR will include information regarding counselling, but in the mean time, I'm feeling good. I'm still sore, but I know I can be strong. You all helped me to be strong.

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erinaceus · 03/06/2016 06:52

DailyFailAteMyFish

I am glad that the meeting was OK, and that he will be moved away. You are courageous in taking this to disciplinary. Be gentle on yourself. Flowers

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 02/06/2016 20:21

Meeting was ok! Disciplinary was this morning. He has been given a written warning and will be moved away. If he does it again he'll be sacked.
It's over, or will be very soon. He will go.
Thank you all for your help.
Buffy in particular for the comment on the nice, decent men not suddenly becoming harassers, helping to flip it and also for stating that these were his feelings and he made the choice to behave as he did.This all helped immensely. Once I stopped going over everything in my head, looking for the trigger I was able to handle it much better. I'm still shocked how angry this experience has made me and how great the impact on my mental health.
I can stand strong now knowing I've beat this shit.
Couldn't have done this without you.
Flowers to all of you

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BuffytheReasonableFeminist · 02/06/2016 07:35

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

EBearhug · 01/06/2016 23:50

How was the meeting, Daily? I think anger can be a very useful emotion at times, gives us the energy to fight it.

If you go for counselling - I've had counselling twice from work in the past, through the EAP - didn't have a choice about therapists either time. First time was helpful, second time really wasn't, which was partly because she kept telling me how to deal with stress, and my problem was that my father had just died after illness - grief is a sort of stress, but it's not the same as a heavy workload and pressure from management, which is what she was trying to get me to deal with.

I've also had private counselling, and that was great, because I found a really good person, and there were no time constraints, so I wasn't limited to 6 sessions as I was when I had the work sessions.

But - it will probably be worth waiting till the process is over at work, and you've had a bit of time to digest it. How you feel at the end of it all will probably depend partly on the outcome from HR, and how supported or not that makes you feel.

Hope it's all positive!

Original poster
DailyFailAteMyFish · 30/05/2016 20:54

Thanks PalmerViolet.
I am angry now with the guy. V v angry. Coming out fighting!
Meeting with HR tomorrow moening briefly. They say it will all be tied up by the end of the week.
Keep your fingers crossed and thanks for the support.

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PalmerViolet · 30/05/2016 19:06

Didn't want to read and run, but have nothing to add other than support and Flowers

You are braver than I