Grrr...

Well the ducking stool was used as a punishment for disorderly women as well as a tool for finding witches.

My MIL still uses the name of her first DH despite having remarried (because second DH's name is very difficult to spell) so she couldn't really say anything about my decision to keep mine, not that I asked!

Am I supposed to sink or float? Both are as bad as each other right?

My in laws were surprisingly indifferent towards me keeping my surname, my very practical father in law even congratulated me on saving the money required for a passport change. Also helps that they are not rampant mysogonists

I didn't change my surname on marriage.

I'm the only one of my well educated, middle class, progressive, feminist friends who didn't. I was surprised.

DH's family address me as Mrs DH'sName, for example when sending post. It causes all sorts of problems at the post office when i have no ID in that name.

It's twattish bullshit on their part and I ignore it.

YANBU.

Ms doesn't stand for anything. Thinking it stands for maiden surname is entirely missing the point of Ms.

No, Ms does not stand for maiden surname.

Subatomic, I would think some kind of handmaiden at 'proper' weddings would be appropriate, perhaps having to pick all the confetti up piece at a time? And instead of the photo (which I have witnessed but never participated in) where the unmarried women have to stare longingly at the bride's wedding ring, you would be kneeling at the feet of the bride as she instructs you in your womanly duties.

After that I think some kind of dunking in the river like in witch hunting would probably be in order.

I've developed a bit of a tan of the last few weeks so an orange jumpsuit might not be all bad What do you think the community service would be? Knitting my tears of into veils for those getting "properly" married? A marriage status awareness course for wayward women? Or just a good old public flogging? Maybe they will make me drink out of one of those god awful Mrs mugs [shudder]

I was told by someone that 'Ms' stands for 'maiden surname' so if that is true, and you are married but choose to go by your own name, then Ms is appropriate.

I go by Ms, am not married. But in my country of origin I would go by Mrs as that is the appropriate form of address for an adult woman unless otherwise indicated.

Illegal - oh no. That's very worrying, I wonder if it carries a custodial sentence or just community service? Perhaps in an orange jumpsuit with the word 'MRS' on the back in red letters - whatever it takes to teach us uppity wimmin our place in and value to society.

I'm married but use Ms. Beware though I have been told it's "illegal" and I have to "acknowledge I'm married", so far telling people with words has sufficed so I'm not scared of the marriage police knocking just yet

You can use what you like, Pigsburn. It would seem illogical to change your title when you don't change your name - the whole point is not being defined by your relationship status. I personally have always used Ms and still do, but I see no reason for you not to keep using Miss.

For those of us that don't change our name when we get married, do we change our title? I currently go by Miss so if I keep my name do I become Mrs or Ms?

I've had similar, MilkGoatee - Sarah T appears to have left the organisation overnight, no-one told me! I can't find her in the email directory or anything. You ask around and discover Sarah T has got divorced and is now Sarah R. You can't help but think Sarah R might have preferred not having to tell the entire organisation she was getting divorced.

I've had the comment "I'm secure enough in my identity not to need to retain my name" - the implication presumably being that those of us who do 'need' to retain it (and I both want and need to, I would absolutely hate to have a different name) must have some kind of chronic insecurity problem.

So returning to the first post - if people want to change their name when they get married (male or female), all power to their elbow and I will address Christmas cards to them using the name of their choice. I don't impose my belief about name-changing on others and expect the same in return.

OP, I think you may be from the same country of origin as I am. I'm not married, so no issue with it. My last name's a lot easier to spell than my first, even though forrin.

Three things spring to mind:

1. I work in a fairly young organisation, and not in the central office so don't know everybody. Occasion arises when you suddenly get an email from 'suzy jones' and you think: 'oh, another new person in HR/admin/IT, why wasn't there an introduction email'. And after a bit you realise: 'oh, she got married and changed her name!'. Proud to say that a senior manager bloke changed his name upon marriage a year or so ago. He's 50, I think, not sure he's in a same sex or opposite sex marriage, just feel his name became a lot less distinctive, so a pity from that point of view.

2. I remember one of my first jobs in this country, some 14 years ago and one of the women (mid-twenties) in my department saying that of course she changed her name, as 'I wouldn't feel really married'. Eh, how 'bout your husband, doesn't he feel married either? So, definitely a status symbol, in my opinion.

3. Another woman in that same company, fretting about changing her passport to her married name and not having enough time as she'd be flying going on honeymoon. Well, logical me said : "Why didn't you book in your own name then", as the whole problem wouldn't have arising. Nope, couldn't possibly do that, as she was married then.

From the outside looking in, there seems to be a lot of status attached to changing the surname. As a sort of 'proof' that they managed to find a partner for life. Similar to a male colleague referring to his wife as 'the wife' instead of 'my wife' or just her surname as we all knew eachother's spouses' and kids' names. I told him (in my typical blunt style) that if he ever referred to her as 'the wife' again in my presence I'd be referring to him as 'the staff' (or words to that effect).

As an ardent second wave feminist, name changing has given me my (I think) one and only feminist fail.

Through the 60s/70s I fought for all the stuff we now take for granted - being able to take out bank loans, mortgages, dumping male guarantees, getting various equalities etc. - all the really big stuff.

When I got married in the 60s I changed my name without a second thought .

Reading these endless threads about name changing keeps reminding me of my massive feminist fail. Luckily, I am now getting too old to give much of a shit, though I still feel I have let the sisterhood down…...

I don't know any woman who didn't take her husband's surname, but my mother at least had the excuse that my father's name created a nice alliteration with her first name. And it was discussed as possibility that we'd use her name.

Funnily enough, a friend of mine who got married recently also acquired an alliterative name on this occasion. She always hated her last name, so I can understand that decision.

There is one woman, however, who had a really awesome name and changed it for a rather non-glamorous one upon marrying. She was only an acquaintance, though, so I didn't get to ask her why.

Am definitely planning on keeping my name IF I ever get married, which seems increasingly unlikely.
Unless it's a really, really awesome name.

And if anyone asks why I didn't change my name I say I'll only have to change it back when I get divorced

I didnt change my name when I got married and tbh I feel disappointed and more than a little bit cross when women I know do change their name when they get married. I don't have the same name as any of my children, who have their respective fathers' surnames (not DH's) so we have 4 different surnames in our house and it doesn't matter. The only time it has ever been an issue was when I was coming back from france with DH, SIL and BIL, (all have the same surname) and DD, and the immigration bloke asked what relation DD was to us and gave me a bit of a lecture about how I should have brought her birth certificate.

But the cat has my surname.

I wish I had kept my birth surname, it was fabulous. Apart from nobody being able to spell or pronounce it, it has a great history and a strong place in the history of a particular region. However, I married a man who had strong feelings about it, but then he had strong feelings about a lot of things and strong fists and feet to match so it should have rung alarm bells for me. By the time I escaped him, I had two children with his surname and felt that as everything else was so utterly up in the air, they should have all the stability I could give them.

On my second marriage, I could have retained my previous married surname I suppose, but I had kept my abuser's name with gritted teeth for long enough. I could have reverted to my birth surname, but I chose to take DH's name. I have toyed with reverting to my birth surname, and I may well do so for my academics, but it would be a pain in the arse to do it all again now that I am of an age where I've collected the usual long list of official things in my name.

So laziness is part of it for me. And no, I am far from suggesting that all or any men who want their wives to change their surname are abusive twatwaffles, merely that for me, it was part of his abuse.

I have two names and two sets of id. I use my maiden name for anything work, financial and bill related. I use my married name for anything to do with my son. To be honest it does not feel like me, and I tend to use my maiden name the majority of the times.

Also, as you say, Mrs "his initial" is rapidly dying out; no reason surname conventions can't also change fast

when we got civil partnered no one asked about names but when we converted to a marriage loads of people asked. but when we asked what they thought we should change to (swap?), people tended to mumble and shut up. when presented with a really equal situation the conventions fail.

Golden

Sounds like your surname is "ok". If you met Mr DreadfulSurname and he wanted to take yours, what would you think?

I'm surprised women changing their surnames is as low as 70 per cent actually. I'd have guessed at more like 90 per cent. It's still very much the done thing in my circle - only person I can think of who didn't is a family friend but her and husband both changed their surnames to something completely new. She's now married to another man and has ditched that surname completely but has hyphenated her maiden name and her new husband's surname. The new husband also has the hyphenated name.

I know if I insisted on keeping my name there would be a lot of raised eyebrows. I think it's accepted to be known by your maiden name professionally but it's "expected" that socially you be known by your married name. I know if I didn't want to change my mum and my sister would think I was mad - they laugh at me for using the title Ms. I think many women change because they want to have the same surname as their children and again, it's expected that children will have their dads name.

I'm not married and don't intend on it any time soon but I don't have strong opinions either way on changing my surname. I don't really like my surname, it's part of me but if I had the chance to change it to something better then I might. I would definitely not want to be addressed as Mrs. [His Name] [Surname] or Mrs. [HisInitial] [Surname] though. Absolutely hate that and I cringe when I see it.

Women have been changing their surnames upon marriage for at least hundreds of years, and it's so ingrained in our culture that I think it's going to take a long time to change.

Would your 7 year old prefer the extra middle name approach then she could use if/when she got more comfortable?

Yes that's what I'd like and DH is happy to change names, but my 7yo is a little apprehensive about it. I worry that I'm then putting her under the same pressures that caused me to feel like I'd lost my identity when I took dhs name.