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Original poster

Am I mad in thinking parents should share child care?

35 replies

PheasantFeather · 13/05/2016 10:45

I run a business. So does my partner. His business, admittedly is more high pressured than mine (he runs a building company, small-med size) and I am an illustrator. I work to commission and have a very long waiting list, lots of work, website orders, admin etc. So it isn't without its stresses.
We have an 8 month baby and I didn't take maternity leave - we have been very lucky to have a very happy, placid baby and I have juggled looking after her and working since she was very small. I also work from home, which is helpful!

The reason I am asking for feedback is I do the majority of looking after the baby during the day and half the time, evening too. He works from home often but it is up to me to look after her, even when we are both trying to do work. He books meetings, goes to the gym, cycling etc but if I want to do something outside the house and sans baby, I have to ask him to look after her or organise child care. Basically, he comes and goes as he pleases and if he needs to go out while he is looking after her, he simply hands her back to me.

Don't get me wrong, he is GREAT with her and looks after her when I ask in the evenings or sometimes on Saturdays so I can work. It's just that it automatically seems to be my role, as the mother, to care for her, no discussion. And Im not sure I would want it any other way to be honest. But it just seems very backwards and I wonder why, in 2016, it is not the norm for parents, who are both self employed, to automatically share the childcare.

Are men just pre-dispositioned not to put the baby first? Or could this change?

OP posts:
gandalf456 · 13/05/2016 14:22

What would happen if you just went out? You need to change the feeling you have to ask just plan stuff tell him then go

PalmerViolet · 13/05/2016 14:19

A general rule of thumb is that you and your DH have equal leisure time, this isn't happening now, and if he's not taking responsibility for his DDs care now, he needs to get his act together.

TheSparrowhawk · 13/05/2016 13:46

No, you're not mad. She's his baby too. Tell him in no uncertain terms that swanning in and out is no longer acceptable - he's a father, there's a baby to look after and he can't assume his servant is doing it for him.

VestalVirgin · 13/05/2016 13:10

Perhaps it is because women, biologically, invest much more in children, and are therefore more invested in keeping them alive. (I know that men reading this will be offended ... perhaps read it to your husband and wait for the offended reaction, then point out that he never makes sure the baby is well cared for before he leaves the house)

Unlike housework, you cannot just leave the baby at home and wait if the husband does his share of the work.

What you can do, though, is to not politely ask if he would please, please do his share of childcare, but just drop her off in his home office and go for a walk. Make it clear to him that he will have to plan his baby-free times the same as you do, well in advance.
To be honest, I wouldn't even bring it up as big discussion, because that's implying that he can opt out if he argues his point well.
Only discuss it if he complains about your changed behaviour.

I do think it can change. But you have to be able to trust him to actually look after her, obviously. That seems to be one of the biggest obstacles; many mothers, rightly or wrongly, don't think that their husbands are able to do childcare well, and are therefore always taking up more responsibility.

BabyGanoush · 13/05/2016 12:46

Parents should share childcare? well, yes, obviously. But to what extent? What should the split be?

Well, try figuring it out for yourself first before setting down a general rule Grin

I am very averse to any general rule setting for how couples/parents should behave. Cannot stand the "women should be at home" rhetoric, but neither do I hold truck with the "All couples should share childcare equally"

Talk to your partner to see what works best for your family, and what is fairest.

It's not the same for all couples.

Just thick carefully what you think would be fair, then discuss it!

Pico2 · 13/05/2016 12:38

I think that most couples with children end up with one as 'the default parent'. But in many situations this works well. I am the default parent, but I work PT and DH works FT. I also couldn't let go enough to let DH take equal responsibility for our DC, it would stress me out too much.

But in your situation, it isn't working for you and it isn't fair either. It also might put your business at risk as you are at risk of letting clients down or having to turn away work when you don't want to.

You need to address this further.

NewLife4Me · 13/05/2016 12:18

Your dh is an arse.
We shared raising our children (don't like the word childcare for own children) and I was sahm.
Most fathers are as involved as the mothers if the parents are still together.

SpeakNoWords · 13/05/2016 12:11

I completely agree with scallopsrgreat. I would challenge this behaviour as soon as possible so it doesn't become ingrained.

scallopsrgreat · 13/05/2016 11:07

"Are men just pre-dispositioned not to put the baby first?" Nope. He's being an arse. Sorry Flowers.

Men are conditioned to believe that childcare is a woman's domain. You really shouldn't have to ask him to look after your DD. What's going to happen when she gets to toddler status? Because working and looking after a toddler will be twice as difficult. It's the lack of respect that you will pick up the slack while his life has barely changed. It would make me very angry. I would say you need to bring this up with him. Frame it around how would he like it if you did this to him i.e. swanned off expecting him to pick up the slack; didn't by default look after your daughter when you are both working for home. Don't be afraid to tell him how disrespectful you find it and don't be fobbed off that your feelings are invalid. His reaction to this will answer your second question about whether this could change.

Seeyounearertime · 13/05/2016 10:51

I think, whole heartedly, that men on average are pre-dis-positioned to do what they're able to get away with.

if you let him plan all these things without thinking about the baby, if you automatically pick up the slack as it were, then he won't think about the baby will he?

does that make sense?