How are we supposed to do ALL of this?

I think the problem is more that you have chosen a man who doesn't do/like housework.

I have never ever written a list of chores for either current dh or exdh. Both were fully capable of cleaning a house from top to bottom and frequently did so.

Stop enabling him. Tell him to take a week on/week off approach to meal planning.

Well my boys only see me doing the housework, cooking, organising etc. Because there is no man here and their dad isnt involved. But they are both as involved in all those tasks as much as is appropriate. I'm hoping they dont take from this the message that mums are for doing all this stuff but rather that houses get cleaned by everyone who lives there. Regardless of sex.

I agree, it isnt a male thing not to wipe off finger marks. Thats an individual thing. There are days smudges annoy me and days i can ignore them. I wouldnt tolerate someone tutting and grumping at me on the days i didnt feel like wiping them. They dont need done. Its personal preference.

Thanks rudeelf

I think op does have a point about a lot of men not pulling their weight at home.
Personally I'm sure a lot of it is down to how they are raised. If all a boy sees is his mum doing all the housework that's what he's going to expect when he's older (just my personal opinion).

I don't really belong on this thread because I am a lesbian single parent. I also have no interest in identifying, measuring or defending male fecklessness.

However, I am here to say that I also do not wipe greasy fingerprints off the kitchen cupboards when I am cleaning the kitchen. Not because I don't see them, not because I think someone else will do it for me, but because I just don't think it's worth the time or effort. There are other things id rather do instead.

Possibly if there was someone else here to share some of the housework/childcare/earning, I might do it. Possibly out of love for a partner who mysteriously valued clean kitchen cupboard doors, I might do it. But I seriously wouldn't bank on it.

Oh well no worries then.

So DH can hire a cleaner to do the housework he isnt interested in doing the too

Of course he can. We split the cleaning by the way. But yes, if the cleaning gets too much for both of us we can hire a cleaner.

So DH can hire a cleaner to do the housework he isnt interested in doing the too.

rude

Thanks for the advice but no thanks. I do the gardening, dh does the DIY.

If I desperately need DIY doing and dh can't do it I'll hire someone to do it for me.

I'm bloody busy at work makes much more sense for me to pay someone to do it for me than spend hours and hours attempting to master a skill I'm not very interested in.

When someone claims or shows he can't do housework (with the best will in the world housework isn't difficult it is just dull, relentless and hardwork but intellectually it isn't hard to work out how to clean a fridge) or does it really badly it is called strategic incompetence.

I watched for years my teenage brother pulling the same stunts - which resulted in me, my mum and sister having to do everything because my mum fell for this bull crap.

When I first moved in with DH (then DP) he tried the same stunts. I told him immediately that:
A. I would dump him
B. If he wanted me to act like his mum I would immediately stop fancying him and that would quickly lead to no sex. (Not because of some weird punishment but I really need to respect a lover to want sex)

Within weeks he stopped acting like a lazy entitled arsehole and 20 yrs later we have a proper, grown up relationship. We work roughly the same hours and do roughly the same amount of housework.

re diy as DH is genuinely very good at it. I can't even bang a picture hook in straight - believe me I've tried

So how would you feel if he left you a list of DIY chores you had to complete? Cant you see how hypocritical it is of you to complain that he doesnt do house chores your way when you dont do DIY?

My DH asks to be given a list of things to do!

Christ, if I was "allocated chores" by my partner, I'd leave!

OP, your problem isn't modern society - it's that you're living with a man-child. Stop doing it all.

Were things equal before you had children? I can't imagine living like that really. My dh is much tidier than me, pre children he did the cleaning and washing and I did the cooking. Post children we had help (we both worked full time) but otherwise split everything, except for the short time I was on maternity leave. When he was a SAHD he did most of the housework, but the children were in school by then so that was fair enough really, he had more time than me. Now we have teenagers we split things four ways.

Anyway I've never expected to work, do the housework and take the lead childcare role. Fuck that for a game of soldiers! My dh doesn't assist me either. He is an equal partner in our household (and whilst he has done some very crap things in our time together, laziness is more my failing than his).

RudeElf - I'm with WhenSheWasBadSheWas re diy as DH is genuinely very good at it. I can't even bang a picture hook in straight - believe me I've tried! It does take a little while for him to actually get round to 'do it himself', but he does a good job when he does.

Fair enough KP, I'm not excusing your DH but I hear lots of women moaning because their other halves don't do it the way they would. To me that means you need to do it yourself because of course people are going to have different ideas of what certain tasks involve.

dh will have to teach them DIY though cause I'm hopeless

Learn.

his response was to say that I just needed to get the kids to help more on your behalf

I'd stop doing anything for him. No food, no laundry no tidying his stuff up. He's a adult not a child and your not his mum.

Dh is not too bad at housework (shame about the hoarding). I'm sure it's down to his mum and dad splitting house hold chores. I'm determined to teach both my dd & ds how to run a home.

dh will have to teach them DIY though cause I'm hopeless

I'm now allocations chores to everyone (including him) & the kids then point out which ones DH hasn't done yet.

If my DH tried to treat me like that I would walk away.

I hear this on a minor level but I know many many hands on men and I often see dads at the playground etc so I think things are better now.

In my relationship, Dh is more houseproud but I have more free time, so I think sometimes he feels I prioritise the wrong things eg I spend lots of time cooking but never get round to dusting. So actually I'd be happy to be told rather than vice versa.

Mide7, maybe I do mean my way, but I also mean that when cleaning the house that means dusting and doing the bathrooms, not just floors and kitchen; or doing the washing means hanging clothes properly by the seams or not putting non-dryer stuff though the dryer (although he is getting better at this). Fairly standard expectations, and the jobs aren't done properly purely due to laziness.

I am a bit of a control freak in the kitchen so he doesn't like cooking with me around (I tend to hover). He would also NEVER think to do a menu plan or weekly shopping list. Even if I relegated kitchen to him I don't think he would know where to start beyond chilli con carne and burgers.

DH has a lot of good qualities, or I wouldn't put up with these annoying ones! I say he is a work in progress.

I've been with one of these for >20 years. I'm now working f-t too & am exhausted trying to do everything. My answer now is to write his and the kids' chores on a whiteboard in the kitchen. At least then if they don't get done I can point to the board!

However DH often thinks it doesn't apply to him - his response today when I said that now we were both working f-t, he needs to help out more, his response was to say that I just needed to get the kids to help more! I'm now allocations chores to everyone (including him) & the kids then point out which ones DH hasn't done yet.

"In some ways I don't mind because then it's done properly - but I wish DH would do it properly as well."

I hear things like this all the time. By properly do you mean your way?

Nope, not me, my DH does far more around the house than me - he is fairly tidy by nature and I am a slattern. Don't blame everyone else for your shit choice of bloke, ta.