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Original poster

The lengths women will go to to appease men

39 replies

FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/03/2016 10:04

I've been thinking about this, we see it all the time on MN where women don't want to ask their husband for a break from the baby, more support for their work - all sorts of stuff really.

My friend's ex left her last year - text her telling her he was going to his mums and never came back. Trust me when I say there is loads more to it!

Anyway, she's back on her feet, doing online dating and having fun. Except she's just set up a new Facebook page as there is one bloke she doesn't want to be contacted by anymore. Apparently she can't just unfriend him, and to be fair she's shown time and time again that she will be nice and engage when really she needs to just tell him to fuck off.

I understand why, because I remember being all-accommodating myself when faced with a bloke I'd had maybe one date with that I didn't really fancy - but then I also don't understand why, as a couple of these blokes have just completely cut off contact after a couple of dates (and after being totally all over her Hmm) so clearly, men don't feel the same compulsion!

I'm sure it'll be a depressing read but I was wonder what other examples there are? I'm sure there are many.

(Just to add - this bloke is 51 and sent her a dick pic. She still won't block him)

OP posts:
oliviaclottedcream · 15/03/2016 12:54

HapShawl That also applies to some men with other men.

oliviaclottedcream · 15/03/2016 12:52

Women confronts man, he becomes nasty/aggressive/violent because she is a woman. Are you referring to the experience of the OP. Or Is this your general opinion of all male/female encounters?

Trills · 15/03/2016 08:30

She sounds unusually unwilling to give anything resembling offense, to someone who she doesn't owe anything.

I recognise the type of behaviour as being something women are taught to do, but this is a very extreme example.

I think it is interesting to ask if she is like this with all people, or just all men, or just this one man. Is it a personality trait or a response to his threatening behaviour?

Is she able to avoid seeing him in real life?

AmyAmoeba · 15/03/2016 08:19

I think givepeaceachance makes a valid point.

And it may be a bit of a tangent but it reminds me of a talk I heard on bonobos (which are related to chimpanzees). Even in a matriarchal species the females use appeasement to "handle" male aggression, basically offering sex to calm them down.

Ugh Hmm

givepeasachance · 14/03/2016 22:43

The 'is she the same with women as she is with men" is a useless comparison.

Women don't tend to violent and threatening to one another. I think this boils down to simple patriarchal values.

Women confronts man, he becomes nasty/aggressive/violent because she is a woman. Women then learn to 'appease' men aka as survival.

Theydontknowweknowtheyknow · 14/03/2016 22:39

I have a male colleague who makes me feel uncomfortable by commenting on my looks. I've ummed and uhhed about whether to say anything but haven't.

It's not a lack of self esteem. It's the desire to not offend him coupled with the fact that my job would be a lot harder if he were angry at me.

DaggerEyes · 14/03/2016 16:03

You only have to watch the way women hold back at bbq's and and the way men will bulldoze their way through the meat until it's gone and the women are left with salad to see your point in action. The other day, at a self service carvery, I felt a male presence behind me, I felt pressured to make way so he could get to the food, but I stayed! Turns out it was a server trying to refresh the carrots!!

Original poster
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/03/2016 15:49

I have spoken to her today as she has since told me that the guy she was trying to avoid basically messaged her asking why she had defriended him. She hadn't, but her new profile is basically the same and it came up on 'people you know'.

She has since told me that she feels very threatened by him, he is big and beefy, lifts a lot of weights and has also grabbed her round the face 'for a kiss'.

This thread wasn't intended to be about her by the way, it was simply a real life example. But now, it's even worse. She feels threatened by him.

I totally agree with everything you're all saying btw. I just thought it was interesting to talk about, as I know a lot of men who get a pass just because of their sex from the women in or around their lives.

OP posts:
HapShawl · 14/03/2016 14:32

The lengths women will go to appease men are often proportional to the degree of threat they feel from them, which is understandable really

scallopsrgreat · 14/03/2016 14:16

"It annoys me because she's not willing to just say enough is enough, I'm not your friend, I'm not your girlfriend." That isn't the easiest thing to tell someone though. Especially when you know there will be repercussions e.g. further harassment, aggression, insults or belittling. which could also occur if she doesn't engage. And wouldn't help with self-esteem issues.

I always think blaming a reluctance for confronting men to be based in self-esteem is a bit dismissive. Self-esteem is fluid, for a start. You have different levels of confidence at different times in your life and what influences your confidence levels may be beyond your control. But also it doesn't recognise valid concerns about confronting men and as EElisavetaOfBelsornia says, socialisation.

oliviaclottedcream · 14/03/2016 11:47

It's Just men then? She's all strong and no nonsense when it comes to her relationships with women?

Original poster
FeliciaJollygoodfellow · 14/03/2016 10:27

My friend definitely has low self esteem when it comes to men (although she would deny it to the death!). It annoys me because she's not willing to just say enough is enough, I'm not your friend, I'm not your girlfriend. She doesn't even need to say anything really, just not engage!

Not sure about her self esteem around women, she seems ok but then she has a tendency to hugely overthink things.

I can't think of any men I know who would do the equivalent with a woman - but I think most of the women I know will admit to some form of this. Even the most innocuous comments - like in work, apologising before getting your point across - men don't do that! Women do that - for exactly the reason EElisaveta says.

Depressing.

OP posts:
EElisavetaOfBelsornia · 14/03/2016 10:16

It's rare to see a man with such a tendency to people please though, even if his self esteem isn't great. Women are raised to be nice, not make a fuss, look after people.

Herewegoagainfolks · 14/03/2016 10:14

Is that about "appeasing men"? I'd tend to think that behaviour is about lack of self esteem.

Unless of course she stands up to women who treat her badly and only allows herself to be a doormat for men.