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Original poster

Changing roles in marriage

91 replies

ChannelFiftySeven · 13/03/2016 08:02

I'm after some advice about how to change the balance in my relationship. I'm posting here as I read lots of the threads on this board and respect so many of the voices I hear.

Before we had our baby (now 6 months) our marriage was pretty equal. I did the housework and laundry, he did cooking and maintenance outside. That kind of division of chores etc. We both had time away from each other with our friends and also did lots together as well.

Since the baby came things have obviously changed and we seem to be slipping into a more gender stereotyped relationship. I'm finding more and more that looking after our daughter falls to me unless I specifically say "I'd like 11-1 on Saturday to do X, y and z". I understand I'm lucky in that he is a wonderful husband and father and will always put me and the baby first.

But I can't help feeling like the way it is at the moment isn't how I want it to go! For instance, last night I asked what today's plans would be and he said "well I've got (leisure activity with a friend) at 9 till half 10 then I'll do lunch and then friend is coming round to help with DIY in the afternoon". I sound like an ungrateful spoilt brat as he does do a lot around the house but the way it's just assumed I'll be managing with the baby all day after all night with her is really starting to get to me.

If I wanted to just get up and do anything by myself it would need to be completely planned. I know having a child changes things but am I unreasonable for wanting the same level of independence that he has? How do I make that happen?

OP posts:
AStreetcarNamedBob · 13/03/2016 09:43

I'm going to take a deep breathe and ignore kiwiink in the interest of not starting an argument.

OPThis sadly happens all the time in our society it was the same with me. Blindly went from being feminist main wage earner to SAHM being the sole carer. The more I did for baby the more DH was less capable than me. I put it more hours so became a baby expert so it was a vicious circle where I did more because I was good at it.

I woke up quite quickly and we had Dc2 18m later and it was a lot more equal. I'm now due DC3 and DH is taking the time off this time.

The biggest hurdle is realising what's happening. Maybe you need to start doing what he does. If he says "I'm off to the pub 12-2" say oh what about baby? Because I'm meeting Sue for lunch then.

If he says "but you didn't ask me to have baby" you can point out why would you ask? He didn't ask? And he will realise that he's been expecting you to have baby.

One thing is certain you HAVE TO nip this in the bud or I promise you will resent your DH. I started being so bitter before we sorted it so it HAS to be sorted. Don't just suck it up

Stillwishihadabs · 13/03/2016 09:41

I think a good start is arranging to do something out of the house that the baby can't come to ( I went to a yoga class on Saturday mornings) this could be exercise, socialising what ever you did before. Arrange it far enough in advance that you "get in first" on that particular bit of time.

As for the work thing, what would be your ideal ? Both pt ? Both ft ? Whichever way you organise it he should be responsible for 50% of pick up/ drop offs at childcare. For us it happened organically because I worked shifts so DH was the default parent when I was working at night or at the weekend.

Original poster
ChannelFiftySeven · 13/03/2016 09:41

Kiwi - I don't resent all the time with my baby. I resent the loss of freedom that has come with it that hasn't come for my husband. Children will of course make you less free but I feel like we should share that.

OP posts:
MyCrispBag · 13/03/2016 09:40

Channel

I absolutely agree you should, I wasn't trying to say it was unsolvable just that I couldn't/didn't solve it. I was very young then (as was my husband),I would like to think it would have been different had we had kids later.

MyCrispBag · 13/03/2016 09:39

Gahhhh what a terribly written post. =( Damn mumsnet and it's lack of editing.

MyCrispBag · 13/03/2016 09:37

This stage of your baby's life is so short. Instead of resenting it and thinking it's all so dreadful, see your time together as a gift.

Is terrible advise, but not because (or not only because) of feminist norms. Telling somebody to feel a difference emotion? Seriously?

Original poster
ChannelFiftySeven · 13/03/2016 09:37

MyCrisp - I'm sorry to hear that. But pleased that it did resolve itself for you. I must must must try to tackle this now!

I know I need solutions rather than just saying how shit it feels for me though.

OP posts:
Kiwiinkits · 13/03/2016 09:34

This doesn't conform to feminism norms but it might help in your situation. Change your mindset! This stage of your baby's life is so short. Instead of resenting it and thinking it's all so dreadful, see your time together as a gift. Be grateful for it. Your husband is the one missing out, actually.

And now I will wait to be flamed.

MyCrispBag · 13/03/2016 09:29

How did it work for you, practically with your first child? Did you take it turns to be the "main caregiver" on certain days?

I did exactly what you did, I was complicit in allowing my husband to think the baby was my job, blamed myself and bitterly resented him. We argued a lot and it got resolved by the baby growing older (baby is now 14).

I wish I had more to offer you in way of practical advice.

Pinkheart5915 · 13/03/2016 09:02

Talk not take

Pinkheart5915 · 13/03/2016 09:01

You need to sit down as a couple and take this over.

Every couple is different.

After our ds was born ( also 6 months now) my husband took his job down to part time ( his a solicitor) to spend time at home with me and the baby. I own a dance studio but will not go back to work until baby goes to prep school at 3.
So both of us are home and we do equal cooking dinner, shopping etc.
Baby stuff dressing, nappy changes, bath time cuddles is done together or equally
The feeding was mainly done by me as I was breastfeeding but I started expressing a few months ago and my husband equally does that now too.
Once or twice a week he takes baby out and I get some me time.

Original poster
ChannelFiftySeven · 13/03/2016 08:54

MyCrisp Sorry - I X posted with you. You are both right. I need the discussion but I just know he'll act as if I'm nagging. I have worked bloody hard at getting him to do his fair share in all other aspects of our lives together. This will be such a fight Sad

OP posts:
Original poster
ChannelFiftySeven · 13/03/2016 08:52

I just wonder whether I should not feel as much resentment as I do as he is looking after our house, etc etc. It's not he's sitting around doing nothing.

But I just feel so angry! We both wanted children and I don't think either of us are thrilled with the baby stage but obviously we have to get through it! I've gone back to work early as I felt I was losing myself and my identity. I'm only back part time though and this is another thing that makes me think - why?! Why is my pay cut, my career put on hold. It was never even discussed whether he could go back part time and I'm hating myself for just blindly conforming to this role of motherhood that has been fed to me. It is SO unlike me.

How did it work for you, practically with your first child? Did you take it turns to be the "main caregiver" on certain days? I just feel so so angry and am starting to really resent him and I'm even resenting being a woman. It's all so out of character for me.

OP posts:
MyCrispBag · 13/03/2016 08:48

" I sound like an ungrateful spoilt brat as he does do a lot around the house"

No, you don't.

You are fighting against culture which tells us that baby care can be a bit of a nuisance but is generally a pleasure if you have a vagina.

This makes me furious, not at your husband but at society at large. It's all such a fucking scam.

Anyway, rather than rant I will agree with the first poster. Sit down and discuss it with him. Explain that housework =/= having round the clock responsibility for defenseless human that needs constant attention.

NameAgeLocation · 13/03/2016 08:26

Oh, also - I don't think that not wanting to be the default live-in unpaid child care makes you an ungrateful spoilt brat. How so? I could just as easily say the same of his assumptions eh?

NameAgeLocation · 13/03/2016 08:24

You need to set him straight once and for all.

Obviously every person is different but before our DC1 was born I said very clearly to DP that I had no more knowledge of or interest in babies than he did and was just as keen to get on with my previous life as he was!
The cultural messages around motherhood are so strong that I could hardly blame him for assuming that being a father = free child care on tap from the mother at any time.
You need to sit down and discuss it all with him.

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