Changing roles in marriage

I hope you don't go to the swimming baths with them just to change DC?

If you do, I'd knock that on the head first, tell him he's a big boy now doesn't need you, then hand him the swimming bag

I third that.

we had such a fair and equal relationship before

Did you? That doesn't tally with I have worked bloody hard at getting him to do his fair share in all other aspects of our lives together. This will be such a fight. I don't think the marriage was that equal before the baby given you got all the invisible, repetitive jobs to do actually.

Possibly more pertinent now is how his parents' marriage is or was. It's probably those roles he's projecting at the moment. That may give you some idea of the uphill battle you have ahead.

It's a strain on both of you.

So many of us have been there. I have a zero tolerance approach to him stomping off or emotional histrionics.

We have to talk it through and try to realise a solution. Not easy though. It's just hard work however you portion it out.

Perhaps choose another time and talk it through.

Oh dear, I'm sorry OP.

I think this happens so so so often when a baby arrives in a relationship.

Don't make this about who does the digging and who does the childcare - because in that case you're both "working" (obviously the digging is the better deal as it's not monotonous and you're on your own doing it!!)

Make it about leisure time and him not ASKING you or even checking with you if you can have the baby

(from OP) For instance, last night I asked what today's plans would be and he said "well I've got (leisure activity with a friend) at 9 till half 10 then I'll do lunch and then friend is coming round to help with DIY in the afternoon".

So you need to arrange to meet a friend for coffee or book a class at the gym or ANYTHING just find something to do for a few hours next Saturday and then say "i'm going to mow the lawn in the afternoon" or say you're going to do a load of batch cooking in the afternoon

Just plan SOMETHING he needs to understand that you're not default childcare on weekends. It's not about him doing the DIY its about if he's doing the DIY and you have baby then, he needs to have baby whilst you do ironing/cooking/whatever your division of labour is

I read somewhere (might have been on here!). Those that have the upper hand will react like your DH did, defend their superior position. He may have a point about this afternoon, but what about this morning when he was playing sport ?

TBH a PhD is full-time++, agree with pp that you're still in full time employment! Current set up means you get no off duty time at all - that's not sustainable w/o huge and probably permanent damage to your relationship.

Looking after much-loved babies and children can be ridiculously tedious/exhausting/ mind numbing. My second pregnancy was surprise twins 😱 and we decided that dp would need to take 8 weeks off work so that we could survive (school runs, shopping, cleaning etc). He was really excited about all this time 'off' with the new babies and our older daughter. We had pretty chilled out little babies and I ebf them both but he had to also get up in the night to wind/put them back to bed as I couldn't do that with two. By the end of the 8 weeks he was an emotional wreck: tired, bored, overwhelmed with the relentlessness of our days and desperate to get back to work. Looking after young children is hard. Your DH needs to have a think about how he would feel if the roles are reversed. I bet he would be 'nagging' you to make things fairer after about 5 mins.

When my youngest was 4 I was friendly with his best friends Mum. One week we were at a school event and the Dads were there. My husband got chatting to the Dad and it turned out they followed the same football team, so my husband invited him to come round with his son and watch the match at the weekend.

I was going out with friends so when the little boy arrived with both parents in tow my husband assumed that there had been a misunderstanding (me and the other Mum had both been scathing in our opinion of football during the original conversation) and she hadn't realised I was going out.... Nope that wasn't it. The couple explained that Mum had come to watch the kids while the Dad's watched the match. My husband said it was incredibly awkward with Mum jumping up to deal with the kids every two minutes while the Dad just ignored them entirely. In the end my hubby spent more time with the kids than the match just to compensate.

The child had no particular needs or issues and had visited for tea unaccompanied quite early on the relationship. I brought it up with the Mum next time I saw her but she seemed genuinely baffled at my confusion/amusement.

"Yes I do just go to get him changed! It's a swimming class and all the others who go in with their kids are women, but I hate swimming and it's annoying with contact lenses so DH goes in. It is a faff to get DS ready before and after (squirmy baby) but all the mums manage on their own."

Well, stop that NOW!

Yes, I managed with a toddler and a baby, once a week. As did a lot of other parents at that particular swimming baths. It was the only one who allowed one adult to two children. Although dc1 was confident in the water and stayed within arm's reach. If he hadn't I probably wouldn't have gone with both.

Yes I do just go to get him changed! It's a swimming class and all the others who go in with their kids are women, but I hate swimming and it's annoying with contact lenses so DH goes in. It is a faff to get DS ready before and after (squirmy baby) but all the mums manage on their own.

It is a bugger getting a baby changed when you've just got out of the pool. The other way to play it would be to take it in turns. One goes in for the splasharound (and stays in to have a proper grown-up swim at the end), the other takes the baby to get changed and dry. Otherwise you simply say "men and women up and down the country manage this on their own every week. See ya." and shut the door.

Whenever these discussions crop up on MN (which is all the time of course) I feel oddly fortunate never to have been criticised for working f-t ever since my ds was a baby. The simple solution to this problem is merely to have a DH who is chronically ill and unable to work. Works like a charm! Okay in reality it has made life incredibly hard but it does mean I've never had to take the criticism 'so you'd rather do [x] than be with your baby, great mother'. However, I take it your DH has never been criticised for working f-t? I would be pointing that out to anyone who felt it was reasonable to criticise.

ChannelFiftySeven, if you're out of the house 3 days a week and have a load of other stuff to do in the remaining time, I still contend you are working full-time and not part-time. If necessary I would consider scheduling work hours (and even going to the extreme of renting office space if that's what it takes) - and 'to save on childcare' I would schedule them for the weekend.

I hope you don't go to the swimming baths with them just to change DC?

If you do, I'd knock that on the head first, tell him he's a big boy now doesn't need you, then hand him the swimming bag.

Yes - he is asking you to do the work of thinking and organising even if he actually does it in the end.

He will only do the organising/thinking work if he has to

Do that means doing the Euro k including him. It also means leaving him to get on with it in his own way. If that means taking toddler to the chippy for lunch - so be it.

I see your point lass but he doesn't work ridiculous hours or anything so is here pretty much every night watching me feed DS his dinner. He knows what he eats and when, it's just laziness to ask me I think!

But lass if magpie17 and her dh talk about there DC during the week, if her dh took and interest or even helped out during the week, then he wouldn't need all the hand holding on a weekend.

Communication is key.

Even on a weekend he is constantly asking what to do with DS, what and when to feed him, what clothes to put on him etc etc etc and it makes me want to scream

Possibly because you are spending so much more time with the baby he assumes you know more about these aspects? I can't now remember what 8 month olds eat (and the guidance on weaning seems to have changed anyway) but as you will be doing so many more feeds/meal times I don't think it is outrageous he might ask this.

I run three times a week but only for about a hour and have to practically book him to babysit, where as he does lots of hobbies and stuff and it's just presumed I will look after DS

That's a reasonable point to challenge and change.

God I get this. DS is 8 months and I'm still on Mat leave. I completely get that during the week childcare falls to me as DH is at work, but it seems to be assumed that I will also do all baby related tasks in the evenings and at the weekend. I don't know how this has happened, we did shared parental leave so DH was off for months at the start of my mat leave and totally did his fair share (DS was bottle fed). But when he went back to work it's like 'boom' I'm a 1950s housewife!

He also does stuff to help but cooking, cleaning, childcare all fall to me. They didn't used to. Even on a weekend he is constantly asking what to do with DS, what and when to feed him, what clothes to put on him etc etc etc and it makes me want to scream. I run three times a week but only for about a hour and have to practically book him to babysit, where as he does lots of hobbies and stuff and it's just presumed I will look after DS.

He takes him swimming once a week but even insists I come to that so I can help get DS changed. I don't even go in the pool! If I ask for a break I feel guilty and he gets huffy.

I love my son, I love our time together and I love being a mum. But why am I the main caregiver all the time just because I have a vagina???

Clearly I have no advice OP but am reading with interest.

BertrandRussell

I really should try to be clearer, sorry for the confusion!

BertrandRussell read on we've cleared that up.

I just so pissed off with the misrepresentation of feminism. Why is it unfeminist to discuss childcare?

BertrandRussell

You'll have to be more specific.