Changing roles in marriage

Haha. Kristina, dh and I fell into that trap. Until one day he came from a four hour run (3 hours plus warm up and getting lost), having left me to get up with ds because he needed to sleep for his training. He walked through the door eventually at about 1pm. I pointed out I had been awake since 6 am, looking after ds... And it was Mother's Day!

Things got better after that!

OP well done for nipping this in the bud and talking to dh. It is hard because I am sure he really does feel he is doing a lot for the family. And he is. Dh is sahd and yet, in the beginning, we still had his issue - we would walk through the door from a family trip out and he would disappear to check his email, do chores etc- completely ignoring the fact that someone had to sort out ds, get him a snack, entertain him etc. Took a few discussions for us to take a more balanced approach.

I've noticed that fathers who are runners sign up for races that require a lot of training THEN tell their spouses . So they HAVE to go out running five times a week because it's in the training programme . They are not being selfish ,honest , you MUST do X mileage if you are doing Y race .

Then they go out running first thing while wife gets kids up, off to school / childcare . Of course they go to bed at 9pm because they are exhausted . They call this " not eating into family time " .

Alternatively they go to the gym / run straight after work . This neatly avoiding the 5-7 slot of tea/ homework / bathtime / after school activities / play date . Of course when they come in at 7 or 8 they need to have a shower and eat dinner . And they are exhausted poor lambs so they need an early night .

This is called " keeping my weekends free so I can do things with the family " . Except for the Sunday long run of course .

This is a great plan which I am going to implement for my next marathon .

Well done, that's a great result . I admire you for tackling this early on , as I didn't and it's been a major factor in the demise of our marriage

I'd encourage you to see this as a first step in a process . I fear that your Dh will think that last weekend was him " doing his bit" and now you have " made your point " things can get back to normal .

He makes his plans for the weekend. You sit around waiting for him to tell you what's happening .

One of your problems is that you see " your stuff " like your PhD as something unimportant that has to be fitted around the family. When's he sees his stuff ( like building walls) as important so you have to fit around it .

So after dinner, you need to say " I'll clear up while you do bath time . I need to finish this chapter / report tonight because I my supervisor wants to see it first thing tomorrow " .

Because if you just sit in front of the TV, hoping to spend " quality time " with him , you will end up doing clearing up , bath time and bedtime " because she settles so much better for you ". While he sits in front of the TV and you get angry .

Another problem is that you are keeping weekends free so you can do " family things" . Then because you are free, he assumes that he can plan things he wants to do himself ( like meet a mate for lunch ) and because you are not doing anything you can't object without seeming to be unreasonable .

So you need to let go of your hope that all weekend will be family time . I agree with the people who say that you should take one day each at the weekend . So you get saturdays afternoons off and he gets Sunday afternoon .

Your dh has managed to set up things so that anything he does ( like knocking down walls and earning money ) is a Big Deal for which you should be grateful. Whereas what you do ( caring for his child ) is not important so he doesn't have to appreciate you at all.

Oh fabulous!! I'm so pleased. Well done for addressing it. The parenthood path is never easy but it sounds like you're both well on the way to successfully understanding what page each other is one.

How did it go?

That sounds excellent OP and as you say a leisure task followed by something that needs to be done for the family which is EXACTLY as he did last weekend.

I think your DH will definitely make a comment about not having had any time off on Saturday and it being hard etc which is a great opening for you to calmly point out the similarity to his day being identical to your day last Saturday.

I hope it goes well. For DH and I the epiphany was when we both worked part time so both shared the childcare (it was all my insistance and he was initially resistant of course. My reply was "you knew who I was before you married me you must have realised that I wasn't going to be a SAHM forever?" His mum is a doormat and really, really "traditional" and put upon by DHs arsehole father so that's how DH grew up but I've never hidden that I"m proud of my career and that I'm a feminist so DH had to concede that me having been the default carer for 12 months was clearly not going to be the long term strategy!!)

He suddenly had to get to grips with meal planning, cooking, toddler groups, trips to the library etc etc and now that baby is nearly 4 yrs old and DH is an amazing father and we are a total team. There is NO expectation that the other one should be doing a certain task and he's as likely to get up in the night with a sick child as me ... etc etc etc.

I realise that both working part time isn't always possible but on a weekend you NEED to be utterly equal and 50/50

Who works in the week and who stays at home is IRRELEVANT at the weekend when you're both home. Separate the two in your head and your DH will have to as well.

Mutual part time/flexible work, so you both have time doing the childcare solo while the other works, is brilliant for stopping this kind of thing in tracks. But it isn't always feasible.

Channel - that's a great plan for Saturday. Your dh will really benefit from the time alone with your baby and you'll benefit from the change in scene. Is it something you could do regularly?

An approach that you could consider is having designated days at the weekend/evenings when you’re the default parent. Not that you ignore the baby if you’re not the default parent but you’re not in charge, you’re free to pop out for something if you want to or make arrangements to do hobbies/meet friends, etc or do your chores without having to look after the baby at the same time.

I'm watching this thread with interest and you've articulated it much better than I could. It's just the mindset that it's not worth a mention if he has plans because obviously I'll have ds.

Good luck Channel! It sounds rather like the endless debates we had with babies - MrNC felt he needed to be doing the breadwinning and huge amounts of building work (we didn't have a roof when ds was born, and I was learning to walk again and couldn't do any DIY...). Booking ourselves to have similar leisure time, and then dividing all tasks including babycare really helped.

And realising that he had heard so many messages all his life about how blokes aren't good with babies and had almost no role models, meant I explained stuff to him and then encouraged him to practice - all those little anecdotes that my mother, aunts, and colleagues passed to me about what to do with a baby, he had never heard.

It also really helped when he got to work from home a day each week, because he could see for himself that I was doing loads even if the house looked even more wrecked at the end of the day, no dinner prepped, etc. And comprehend that if I described my day as "had X over for coffee, went to baby group", that that wasn't a jolly, just making work more pleasant.

• could he do the bedtime routine every night? That's a great way to get good at it and bond.

This is a good one Channel - DP comes home and puts the kids to bed every night, I generally do a quick whizz round picking up toys for 10-15 mins then sit on the settee in peace until he comes down.

Who cooks dinner depends on what time DP gets home, although at the moment it's mainly me - but you shouldn't feel guilty about that - while he's cooking I doubt you're sitting doing nothing, as you have a child to look after (thus freeing him to cook un-molested)

By the way, I'm sorry it's you having to do the pushing and thinking and fighting. In an ideal world, he would step up without having to be asked, but unfortunately I think that's unusual.

Sorry to hear you're feeling a bit defeated OP. I have just come across your thread and it really resonates with the way I felt when my first DD was born. It's very very easy to slip into the roles we have all grown up with, no matter how considerate your DH is and no matter how feminist you are! It seems normal to us for the woman to do the bulk of the childcare and housework, even if she has another job.

In my house, we solved this by each working part-time and my DH has therefore had to tackling potty training, weaning, sickness and all the awfulness that goes alongside the joy of parenthood. In the beginning though, I had to put my foot down several times before he realised that he was equally responsible for the child and life couldn't just carry on as before. It's really important to establish these expectations now.

Some suggestions:

• could he do the bedtime routine every night? That's a great way to get good at it and bond.
• could he drop a day at work?
• could you have some regular activity you do every weekend, and leave them to it?

He will only properly bond with the child if he does the dirty, boring stuff as well as the fun stuff, and it's no good to say he'll do more when she's older. It needs doing now, whether you enjoy it or not! Perhaps try chatting when you're both calm

By the way, it is probably worth renegotiating the chore division now: cleaning and laundry go up hugely once kids arrived (as you may have realised).

Channel - the most worrying thing to me is that he doesn't seem to want to spend time with his baby, he doesn't seem to miss his baby.

It isn't just about who does the childcare, its about developing a strong bond. If he doesn't see his baby much during the week then he should be spending time with his baby (and wanting to) at the weekend. DIY, sports and friends need to take a back seat (not forever, for either of you, but for a bit).

Dp (who is by no means perfect and can be as infuriating) used to rush home from work to cuddle dd before he'd even taken his coat off. Dp actively wanted me to go out at the weekend so he could look after dd without me hovering (I wrote long lists of feed and nap routines which probably annoyed him) or he'd take dd out for strolls while I rested.

Maybe its worth trying to talk to your husband about how your baby needs to spend time with both its parents and maybe he'd benefit from some one on one time?
That way it doesn't directly become a discussion about chores v childcare (though from what you've posted you really have got a raw deal).

Its difficult to strike a balance while on mat leave or when one parent works part-time or when one parent earns far more than the other as, inherently, the circumstances are unequal.
That doesn't however mean you have to accept it or not try to change it.

Society, employers and (sadly) other mothers will often try to discourage you but your needs and opinions didn't disappear the day you became pregnant and you didn't cease to exist the day you became a mother.

So OP have you made plans for this weekend?

You need to get this sorted whilst you have the momentum.

Sorry it didn't go as planned Channel. Still though maybe some of it sunk in. It's such a mind fuck having a little babbie for the first time, it was like I had a fucking personality transplant for 18 months.