"one in four women and one in six men suffer domestic abuse in their lifetime"

I lived with a manipulative control freak for several years and I have sympathy for anyone caught in a situation where they are abused. I wish it was easier to leave but when kids are involved or a single bread winner then it is more difficult. Figures are only based on those who admit difficulties and I doubt they are that accurate.

I don't want to make a TAAT but the comments about domestic violence and women should only consider and be interested in when we are victims. Fine well and good for those that believe that but then feminism isn't about equality as I would view it and how can we expect men to be interested in our points of view when we disregard theirs? Just a thought

And if they include "nagging" ... yeah, that's not exactly convincing me that their numbers are correct

The one in four / one in six numbers for partner abuse do include non-physical abuse (emotional, financial) and threats.

Table 4.01 in the ONS stats that I linked to above give:
Non-sexual physical abuse by partner: 17.9% for women and 6.9% for men.
Non-sexual physical abuse by family: 4.9% for women, 4.2% for men,
Sexual assault: 19.1% for women, 2.7% for men.

But some of the minimising that goes on on this board is pretty appalling, whether it's the likes of the OP knee-jerkingly doubting statistics that suggest that f-on-m abuse may be a real problem, or the usual refrain that any female abuser had been driven to violence by her partner.

That's a reaction to the tendency of anti-feminists to use "what about the men?" as a method to silence any discussion of the problem of male violence.

I'm pretty sure those numbers are skewed. There are women who commit domestic violence against men, but I doubt there are so many. (And if they include "nagging" ... yeah, that's not exactly convincing me that their numbers are correct)

I have to confess I'm staggered by the figures. I had no idea domestic abuse was so prevalent. The numbers are truly shocking. Clearly I'm not paying enough attention, but given these are government figures, I'm surprised this isn't much higher up the agenda for all politicians.

BBC1 tomorrow at 9pm is a documentary following three women over a year who were suffering domestic violence.

It annoys me when I see people suggest that a smaller woman cannot physically attack a larger man on the grounds that he is stronger than her. Once she decides to initiate a physical attack, any response from me would only enrage her even more, and the only way I could stop her would be to really hurt her. I can't do that. I won't do that. So I stand my ground and wait for her anger to subside.

This is my brother's situation all over. He's 6'3" and an ex-rugby player. He was in an emotionally and physically abusive relationship that culminated with her throwing an iron at him. It only missed because it was plugged into the wall and was caught by the lead.

I don't think you will find a single intelligent person who would dispute that, on a class analysis level, men physically abuse women more than vice versa, or that male-on-female abuse is, on average, more physically damaging to the victims. But some of the minimising that goes on on this board is pretty appalling, whether it's the likes of the OP knee-jerkingly doubting statistics that suggest that f-on-m abuse may be a real problem, or the usual refrain that any female abuser had been driven to violence by her partner.

Or contact social services for help, they can do loads of nuanced interventions nowadays.

www.mumsnet.com/Talk/relationships/2360895-Support-for-those-in-emotionally-abusive-relationships-thread-31

That's the Mumsnet emotional abuse support thread. I'm no expert from the parental angle, but if you get records of physical violence going I can't see any court disputing your custody of children.

As a child survivor of dysfunctional families, I always say never stay in a bad relationship for the sake of the kds. The kids get damaged too. Sorry to be so blunt but you need to protect yourself and your child. Get hold of that charity Barefoot mentioned, get a record of the violence and abuse, do call the police when it happens and get yourself and child out. "Tonight you die", idle threat or not, is no joke.

I think the emotional abuse may have hit you harder than you realise. I always find physical violence much easier to deal with myself.

why stay?

Primarily, I'd say because my son needs me in his life. The times when I would curl up in bed at night with the words "tonight you die!" ringing in my ears and wondering if I would wake when she hit me are long past. I have come close to saying enough. Once she lashed out with the bread knife, cut through two jumpers and into my arm. She only caught me with the tip of the blade, so it was not too deep and I did not need stitches. Another time she hit me in the face while I was driving through a tunnel at 50mph causing my eye to bleed, which did require the hospital, but I told them I walked into a door. I still have a scar above the eye where she hit me with a Nokia. Thankfully, incidents like those are now rare.

It annoys me when I see people suggest that a smaller woman cannot physically attack a larger man on the grounds that he is stronger than her. Once she decides to initiate a physical attack, any response from me would only enrage her even more, and the only way I could stop her would be to really hurt her. I can't do that. I won't do that. So I stand my ground and wait for her anger to subside.

It probably sounds awful and it can be, but she can also be really sweet and kind. Our life is not that bad most of the time.

Welcome to MN turoide. What jolly interesting views you have of the only section you've posted in so far.

Would you also enjoy telling the fine women in AIBU what they think as well? Or are you just going to critique one subject you seem to know zip about?

I'll let my BiL know that I don't acknowledge that men can be victims, shall I? It's going to come as a nasty shock to him I can tell you, given that I patched him up and held his hand while he told me all about it.

Good grief, Bumbledumb, I'm glad it's 'softened' but why stay? There's Women's Aid too www.womensaid.org.uk and on a less formal note the Relationships boards on Mumsnet have some support threads that may help.

I'd say all of the feminists I have encountered have acknowledged that men can be victims of domestic abuse. However, it really isn't their issue. It's like expecting socialists to be worried about Baron Hardup's leaky roof on his stately home.

feminists don't acknowledge men can be victims of domestic abuse/violence do they?

If you can, I would contact Mankind anyway, so you know what your options are in the event you do want to leave. They can advise on things like saving up an emergency fund, if you are dependent on your girlfriend/boyfriend's income.

Thanks Barefoot. Hopefully I will never need it. The abuse has softened over the years, and only tends to flare up occasionally now.

I never let the emotional abuse get to me, as I recognize it for what it is. The physical violence is harder to deal with.

I am not sure women here are desperate to rationalise away domestic violence where men are the victim. It just isn't an issue for feminism. Feminism is by, about and for women. Naturally then, it focuses on women's issues, not men's.

Sorry to hear you are suffering domestic abuse, Bumbledumb.

This charity may be able to help you:

new.mankind.org.uk

Why are you all so desperate to rationalise away abuse when the victims are male?

Because so very many "sources" are desperate to make abuse non gendered. No one is actually rationalising away any abuse or pretending that no men are ever abused by women, but that does not for a moment mean it is not a gendered issue.

Why are you all so desperate to rationalise away abuse when the victims are male? There was a thread started last night on AIBU (and continued in Relationships) about daughters who were estranged from their fathers by the father's new partner. The men were variously described as spineless, weak, and totally to blame. Are female victims of domestic abuse also weak and spineless?

It is not easy living with an abusive partner. I know because I have spent the last 10 years in such a relationship. I came really close to phoning the police the other day, but I put the phone down. It doesn't help to see others pretend that it is not happening.

The ONS figures also include information on violence from another family member, not just partner violence.

Sex of perpetrator isn't captured in ONS stats .

The latest ONS stats are at www.ons.gov.uk/ons/dcp171776_352362.pdf
There's a linked spreadsheet that gives more detail, but the headline figures are:
Any domestic abuse since age 16: 30.0% of women, 16.3% of men.
Non-sexual: 23.8% of women, 11.1% of men.
Sexual: 19.1% of women, 2.7% of men.

Someone linked the raw ONS data on another thread recently

I wonder what the split of offenders is. Are they predominently men regardless of the sex of the victim?

Also (from memory) i think it was based on incident reporting stats that would count any quantity of injuries/events as one 'incident' if it was at one time. If that makes sense?