Single sex birthday parties

Sorry for the repeat posts, but, also:
I would be frankly ashamed if my child only had friends of one gender

That's the type of thing we can say when it doesn't happen to us.

It reminds me of the parents who say that their child will never... and then it happens.

OTOH I challenge him on why if three girls and three boys go for lunch at the same time, how come they end up in two groups segregated by sex. Doh!

But I can't force him to insist that they all sit together when at school.

IF you can't afford to put on an activity for all the kids in the group then you just go to the beach or a (free) museum for the day and add cake.

The problem is "all the kids in the group"

What group?
DS has:
school mates
football mates
sunday school mates
previous after school mates
previous school mates (having changed class this year to a new school)

The group would easily go to about 70. Only if I was nuts would I cater for that sort of group.

He picks friends he likes best from any of those groups to actually spend time with on his birthday.

"I would be frankly ashamed if my child only had friends of one gender"

I find that attitude rather bizarre. But as my sons both have close friends of both sexes, I wouldn't allow them to exclude those friends from their birthday party on the basis of their sex. They choose the type of party but if someone is a good friend to you, you don't get to not invite them citing that "girls/boys don't like x."

"Fwiw, dd (4) is having a predominantly craft-based birthday party, with predominantly male attendance. I imagine there will be some crafting, some crying, some hitting each other with balloons, and much consumption of cake!"

Yes, it was so much easier at that age when you could take it into your own hands more and just hire a hall, bouncy castle, soft play. I used to invite the whole class (less than 20) so easy. As they get older (and now class of 30) and know more what they want and who they want - it gets a lot harder. I won't make my child invite a girl just to be right on when he either doesn't want to or it would mean dropping another close friends.he has invited the odd girl but if he wants 10 boys in the class and there are 3 being left out - i try to include these boys so they don't feel left out. The girls seem absolutely ok with this.

"logical oh just actual experience of HE. In our local group children invite all the kids in a specific family regardless of gender or age, or more usually invite the whole group.

IF you can't afford to put on an activity for all the kids in the group then you just go to the beach or a (free) museum for the day and add cake.

It isn't hard to be inclusive if you aren't lazy."

Or as you sound - a bit controlling. So you invite or tell your child who they have at their party? All your group who you chose, all the siblings of different ages and sex - so what you have decided. And you think everyone else is lazy?

Nothing wrong with museums if that is what your child really, really wants. My sons prefer lazerquest or paintballing.

Throwing some wood into the fire. And btw, I think this is a stealth thread by the op. Very little to do with parties.

It feels (but could be very wrong) like a biological need that boys and girls tend to segregate themselves at certain ages. There's some evidence that incest is overall prevented by establishing brain barriers in the first few years in relation to people we grow up with. Perhaps boys and girls need some segregation in the process of developing their own sexuality. And certainly gender, which I think it's a biproduct.(disclaimer: I'm just a biologist and tend to start from there)

"I would be frankly ashamed if my child only had friends of one gender"

This is rather funny. Kids choose who their friends are. My dd is the only one in our family of six who only has friends her own sex. I'm not ashamed, all credit to her.

If I wanted to take my DDs entire class to a free museum or a park or the beach for a free day out I'd have to hire a bus to transport them all (because I wouldn't want to be the subject of an AIBU about how a cheeky mother has invited everyone to the museum but it's 30 miles away). Which would cost hundreds of pounds.

This is why most of DDs class do parties for four close friends - the number that one parent can safely fit in a car. But since each of the children is only choosing really close friends rather than 'people I like to run round the playground with' they are nearly always single sex gatherings. Have we failed our children by living somewhere that it is impossible to do a free day out for 30 kids?

IceBeing, are you seriously suggesting that the natural preference of children in the latent phase of development for same sex friendships should be fought against so that boys can get some of whatever it is that girls have that enables them to do better in school, or learn some social graces?

Girls and boys alike who are from well off homes do better than all children from poorer homes, with girls edging boys in all categories. This still doesn't make life a bed of daisies for girls from poorer homes. Perhaps we should cast our party invitations wider therefore.

And it's sex segregation, not gender segregation. Gender is the harmful notion that makes teachers biased against girls in Stem subjects and makes boys think they are inadequate if they like English Lit. Biology is what gives us all brains with the same potential, and our genitalia.

Surely no parent is actually too busy to find out who their child's friends actually are?

Oh how sanctimonious. Birthday parties as far as I was concerned were big fuss events, special friends came round to play ,go to the cinema, sleep overs without the need for it to be a big event.

And if you are going to lecture please get your terminology correct- the distinction was being made on sex, not gender. Your child might have friends of both sexes or one sex.

Turns out my girls were friends with girls and my son was friends with boys beginning about age 5 or 6

As was my son; as was I. Children do (or did when I was a lass ) segregate themselves anyway in the playground. Girls played skipping games (ropes and "Chinese" skipping) and hopscotch boys kicked balls around.

I did all class parties as that was the school norm and it wasn't a big deal for us to do it, but several posters have made valid cases for single sex parties.

Quite amazing (and not in a good way) how many people are backing the idea of one gender only parties. Would you similarly back, say, white only parties? Able bodied people only parties? No? Then ffs stop discriminating on the basis of gender*

Well firstly the division is by sex, not gender.

Secondly this is not a fair comparison. I always did whole class parties at primary, as did, as far as I am aware, the other parents. These were usually activity parties in leisure centres. Involved a smallish class at a private school, costs weren't an issue for me , nor I imagine for other parents.

However, if cost and numbers had been an issue dividing by sex, is far less objectionable than excluding children on any other basis.

It will even out over the year- in your examples if exclusion were by race it would be the same children being excluded from every party. If divided by sex all children go to 50% of the parties.

math are you saying it is okay that girls do better than boys at school? Is it okay that teachers systematically underestimate girls abilities at maths and underestimate boys abilities at English?

Unnecessary gender segregation promotes sexism and helps maintain the status quo.

Are you actually for or against the patriarchy?

Once again I am so happy that we are not doing UK schools. DD is in a class of 15, fairly evenly mixed. The town doesn't charge to use the park for a party if you child attends the local public school.

This means that every single child can have a party at minimal cost of a cake. You can get a cake for $30 and the charity DH and I support will cover the cost of party supplies for parents who can't afford to have a party for their child. Our only stipulation is that the whole class is invited.

I always had single sex parties. I didn't have a great many parties.

We had a 'make your own pizza' party at home and several bowling parties at a local small bowling alley, plus one at a bead place. The pizza and beads were girls only and the bowling parties were for some of the DDs and DS.

Turns out my girls were friends with girls and my son was friends with boys beginning about age 5 or 6.

And it's sex, not gender. They are not fungible terms. Gender is a key part of an artificial hierarchical structuring of society designed to keep the patriarchy in power. Sex relates to genitals/biology.

'What a horrible sexist situation. No wonder school produce such gender biased results.'
Yes, girls tend to do better than boys.

'Mums and dads aren't really helping their boys by narrowing their friendship circles.'
Tough. And also ridiculous.
Why should boys be foisted on girls at an age when girls prefer the company of other girls? Should girls have to put their own fun second because some socially awkward boys need to learn the social graces?
In my own experience, boys do perfectly fine playing with and socialising with other boys. When the time comes, assuming their parents haven't been gormless twits, they do just fine in mixed company.

bare given you have just stated you promote mixing and invite the actual friends of your DS's rather than specifically the half of the class with testicles, I am at a total loss to imagine why you think the attributes lazy or casually sexist are being directed at you?

There are many people on the thread who have said 'It is the easy way to cut down numbers'. These are the people these accusations are directed at.

HTH

I am glad you are comfortable bare

spot on. I would be frankly ashamed if my child only had friends of one gender. I would feel I had fucked up in a big way. I am not saying it won't happen to me as DD gets older..but I WILL be ashamed..and I WILL have fucked up.

The idea I would actively push them in that direction to what...save time on working out who their actual friends are?

Surely no parent is actually too busy to find out who their child's friends actually are?

Hence lazy.

Charming, Ice.

I hold the parties my DSes want and always remind them to ask girls. If numbers are more than about 10, they might. Their closest friends are boys, though.

I'm pretty comfortable that I'm not casually sexist, thanks.

Quite amazing (and not in a good way) how many people are backing the idea of one gender only parties. Would you similarly back, say, white only parties? Able bodied people only parties? No? Then ffs stop discriminating on the basis of gender.
If your child genuinely only plays with children of the same gender, ok (though one might argue that you have some searching questions to ask yourself. But maybe it's society, not you. And you've done what you can to challenge it, in which case, fair play).
But if you are using this gender discrimination as an easy way to manage numbers, just cut out an entire group, then ffs! Catch yourself on! Do you do the same with regards to class, race, etc? This nonsense that boys like sport, girls like craft... Are there no male craftsmen? Are there no female sportswomen? Can't everyone see how patently absurd this argument is?
Fwiw, dd (4) is having a predominantly craft-based birthday party, with predominantly male attendance. I imagine there will be some crafting, some crying, some hitting each other with balloons, and much consumption of cake! Dd is mainly bothered about the fact that I MUST NOT award her best friend a prize in pin the tail on the donkey this year if she cheats again, as she did last year. But as they are both girls, and competitiveness is not a stereotypical female trait, obviously my brain cannot compute what she is saying, so I just tell her to go off and look at pink stuff, and know her place.

Parks, beaches, museums all free at weekends too.

You can invite the children your child is actually good friends with and leave the others...you can invite them all somewhere free.

If you honestly don't have the mental headspace to do anything other than casual sexism - maybe you should not have a party at all, or just invite family or something.

It genuinely isn't rocket science.

Ice, by definition, HE children have a parent around all week who spends a lot of time planning children's activities. It's not lazy of other parents not to have this time.

As you can arrange meet ups in the week, assume you could eg all go to soft play without a booking - a weekend party package tends to cost more.

gerbo and seafood well as long as you aren't bothered by casual sexism I guess it must be fine.

I doubt 99% of parents are actually perfectly happy to have their children excluded from any given activity purely on the basis of gender though - I am pretty sure that more than 1% of parents have fucks to give about that.

logical oh just actual experience of HE. In our local group children invite all the kids in a specific family regardless of gender or age, or more usually invite the whole group.

IF you can't afford to put on an activity for all the kids in the group then you just go to the beach or a (free) museum for the day and add cake.

It isn't hard to be inclusive if you aren't lazy.