Why do women "stand by their man"?

I'm glad. She won't regret it. He is amoral.

They have broken up.

Yes, the unmarried thing is potentially very relevant here. But remember OP we don't know the ins and outs of their finances. It's true this is likely to significantly impact any future football earnings. Good chance he'll never play professionally again. But you never know what his business interests are. Perhaps he's invested very well and is likely to continue making a lot from that. Plenty of footballers do.

His partner clearly isn't in the same position as some of the women we read on the Relationships board who haven't a pot to piss in, most likely she has luxury goods of her own that she could flog to set her and the child up if necessary. She could probably also get five figures flogging her story, once he's banged up. However there still seems a pretty good chance that even with a prison sentence behind him, he represents a better bet financially than going it alone.

I think she's his girlfriend not his wife. If she walked she'd get child support but nothing for herself.

In the current trial it is my understanding that she attends court but doesn't turn up with the defendant ?
Please correct me if wrong. I think if I were in her shoes I would want to hear it all and not be spun a version by him or his lawyers.

In reference to the girlfriend she must be going through hell with all the consequences - which I won't go into whilst it is ongoing.

Thank you for the user name comment - its a poem I always return to, in its various translations.

This is interesting: 'They're married, they have a child, she'd be entitled to a share of his finances on that basis alone. So why stand by him? She's got nothing to gain from doing so that she isn't already entitled to.'

I have reflected on that, and I do think their can be an element of conditioned paralysis & fear of standing on their own two feet - hence why people often use an affair to leave a marriage, or why women can seem to boomerang between hopeless losers, rather than go it alone. She is quite young, so she has possibly never lived alone and the thought of doing that with a baby is too daunting?

So as well as retaining financial independence throughout life, we should encourage our daughters to have a few years living & supporting themselves before they throw in their lot with a man, just so they know they can. It is a good feeling in any relationship to know you are there because you want to be, not because you need to be.

I think a lot of women don't want to lose the money & lifestyle. Adam Johnston lives in a 6 bedroom house - no way could his fiance live like that off her own earnings.

You do see on Mumsnet lots of women who want to leave their husbands, but finances prevent it - basically, I think he is a sack of shit now, but he supports us all financially, so what can I do?

Women must cling on to their financial independence for all they are worth & resist the golden handcuffs of relying on a high earning man if they want to ensure they are never trapped in a financial prison that makes standing by a vile creep seem like a reasonable life choice.

Aleah, how awful

Makes me think of women and children who are raped in certain countries and then stoned to death for bringing shame on the family. All part of the same continuum.

I think so too. Females being seen as having little, if any, worth in their own right. Just a function of men. They can't really be victims if they're not real people.

Sometimes I wonder if I'm really sane at all, surviving all this?

Cross-posted with you, ALeafFalls.

Your experience has been horrific. You've done so well to get out of it and protect your children. You write so eloquently about it.

Lots of people have their own self-interest at heart. If you are not around to contain your ex-husband it means that his family might have to step outside their comfort zone and face reality. And that is abhorrent to them - more abhorrent than protecting a paedophile. Makes me think of women and children who are raped in certain countries and then stoned to death for bringing shame on the family. All part of the same continuum.

ALeafFalls, I'm really sorry that happened to you.

And yes, societal pressures are huge - lots of people really don't want to face up to horrible things that are close to them. Much easier to pretend it never happened. Condemning a family member as a child sex offender is a lot harder than deflecting that disbelief and hurt onto someone else.

The media reflects this:

Huge scrutiny of the innocent woman who was associated with the offender. "If he was that bad, she wouldn't have stayed with him. Why didn't she stop him?". A normalisation of women being expected to police men's behaviour which is very damaging to women.

Very little scrutiny of the behaviour of the offender himself. There seems to be an unspoken attitude of "he's a bloke, that's just what blokes do". A normalisation of sexual offences against children that is very offensive to the majority of men.

it'llallbefine, most did believe it but would say things like "It was a long time ago, you're being unreasonable".

Some of it was a long time ago, but that didn't mean it all was. A long time was 20 years or less. Would you want a man who had repeatedly raped very, very young girls around your daughters? Or around you at all?

His large family were some of the worst persecutors as they wanted me to continue to contain him. Of course I hadn't know I was containing him. They also all knew the risk to our little girls, but kept that from me. A very real risk, incest was no barrier to him.

One of his victims spoke up, eventually, then much more was uncovered. It was a terrible shock, followed by years of harassment and fear.

I protected my children, but no fucker else thought it was necessary including my own parents! I was definitely the villain. Thank god the police protected us or I doubt I'd still be here.

(Sadly I remarried, another bastard but this one was disguised as a handsome, charming man who fooled many. I'm now out of that - recently- and will never get in a relationship again. I don't trust myself, I can't choose well.)

But....back to the role of women in this. It was a rock solid expectation that my ex came first and my role was to contain and support and my female children were collateral damage. Step away from that and you risked your life.

But then I hjad a discussion with some VI formers about this, they were saying, "but what if she wanted to..." and "well she must want money"

So sad that this bullshit has become so mainstream. Almost as if the people who spout it don't think men can help themselves when a child offers herself to him.

And men think feminists hate them. Hah!

aLeafFalls I can hardly believe your story, how terrible. I've always felt paedos were regarded as the lowest of the low. I am lucky to only have come across one, didn't really know him but he lost everything when convicted and was roundly reviled. I can't believe that anyone would defend him ? Did they not believe he did it ?

sashh - when i was 15 i would have happily had sex with my older music star crushes, i actually think she did consent in as much as a 15 year old is able to, she clearly idolised him. I have always felt uneasy about the idea that having sex with her if she had just turned 16 would somehow be OK. The problem here is his total irresponsibility and failure to live up to any sort of standard society might expect - typical it seems sadly, of footballers.

In a wider context I've always despised and been confused by girls/women desire to idolise successful men, why is this behaviour so gendered ? I'm sorry i keep going on about it, but this is another case in point, it breeds entitled men like adam johnson who thinks he can take what he wants, sees female adulation as something he has earned by being good at football, it also seems to lead to other men resenting women are "cheap sluts" who throw themselves at men who are successful or rich or talented. e.g. that you tube clip someone posted about the men who pretended to have an expensive car.

IShouldBeSoLurky

Just look at your post - do you know the names of these women? They see their only value as being connected to a man.

But then I hjad a discussion with some VI formers about this, they were saying, "but what if she wanted to..." and "well she must want money"

My response was 'It's simple, you don't put your penis in someone we doesn't want it or can't consent'

The expectation was that I should supervise my ex, stop him offending, look after him and keep the wider community safe.

The anger was because I didn't do that. I doubt anyone articulated it, but the expectation was embedded in people's minds. Somehow, I had become the offender for not fulfilling that and had to be punished. By being expelled from society, even death.

Sounds so extreme, but this was an ordinary little town, in England, 20 years ago. I can hardly believe I lived through it.

Thank you PalmerViolet. Fortunately I have had nothing to do with him for years. I still get evil looks from his old friends, but water off a ducks back.

It seemed that family, his and mine, and lots of the local community stood by him and condemned me. Baffling. I had a direct lint to police HQ in my home to keep me and my children safe.

No idea why anyone would stay with their hebephile predator husband, but I suspect aLeaf gives us a good idea.

I'm so sorry that happened to you aLeaf, hope you're safe and happy now

I am amazed she is still attending court - he has presumably told her he had pleaded guilty "on advice" even though he isn't

Agreed, Grimarse.

I didn't stand by my man, 1st husband, who I discovered was a predatory, violent paedophile.

My god the condemnation and threats I got from his family and the community because I didn't. It was hugely traumatising and frightening. I was threatened with a shotgun by one of his "friends".

I think societal beliefs strongly support standing by your man, although until I experienced it I wouldn't have believed it.

Much better. That is all I ask. You don't lose any impact by being accurate.