When does complimenting become harassment?

If someone makes a comment about what I'm wearing it's a statement about my choices. It's a comment about something I have deliberately chosen or done.

If I get comments about things I cannot change (boobs, arse, face) then it's creepy as it positions me as a sexual object

E.g. "Fantastic shoes" = good as I chose them deliberately
"fantastic arse" = not so good as, with the best will in the world there's nothing I can do about it and I'm reminded that I exist as a sexual,object in the eyes of the commenter.

Best advice if you are a heterosexual bloke is - don't say anything to a woman that you wouldn't say to another bloke.

Its invading someone's space otherwise and bound to make them uncomfortable.

I guess my rule of thumb is that if I perceive it to be (unwanted) sexual attention, it is harassment.

Rule of thumb - would the stranger say or do similar to another guy? If not, there's probably some sexism going on

I suppose so, but I've had some "random bloke in the street" complimenting me on my clothes. A couple of jackets and one coat in particular got lots of comments from people I didn't know. I took the remarks as they were intended. There was nothing sexual or offensive.

I suppose there was sexism there as the men might not have ever said similar to a man, but I don't see why that means I should be offended.

But Chloe, the "line" depends on context! Just as a guy walking his dog down a road in the day as you walk up it saying "hello" as you pass is different to a guy deliberately crossing the road in the dark to "meet" you and say "hello" is different.

Rule of thumb - would the stranger say or do similar to another guy? If not, there's probably some sexism going on.

I've had a few people compliment me on my hair recently.

I've dyed it a really unusual colour, and it's usually people who also have unusually coloured hair who do it, and that's ok, depending on other factors like body language and how appropriate the setting is.

Random bloke in the street, nope. Don't give a shit what he's got to say, he can keep it to themselves.

I don't think it's wholly about intent, no, Valerie

Someone could say the same thing to two different people in similar situations - co-workers, say - and one could be fine with it and other could feel harassed. And it's not OK to minimize the second's feelings because the speaker didn't intend any harm and the first recipient didn't mind.

Know your audience. Hearing, for example, "you look hot" from a best friend/partner who knows you've put effort into your figure/outfit/make up and knows you will appreciate it as a compliment is great.
Hearing "you look hot" from a total stranger... Odd. Weird. Could be upsetting, could just be annoying, doesn't really matter as the stranger shouldn't have said it, being a stranger and not knowing how you would respond/react.

Strangers aren't likely to say "hey! You look great today, I love your new haircut!", which you would probably take as a compliment from a friend or colleague. They genuinely mean well, as opposed to just saying "nice tits" for their own purposes.. So is it about intent?

But it's disingenuous to suggest that the receiver's perception of the "compliment" has nothing to do with the giver's intent.

A guy on the street saying "wow your top is great" especially if his eyes are on your breasts and a guy on the street saying "where did you get your top, it's great and my sister would love one" have different intentz

*subjective

The only answer to your question that makes sense to me, OP (and I've read at least one other similar on this thread), is this:

A compliment becomes harassment when it feels like harassment to the receiver.

It is entirely objective.

"I don't welcome "compliments" that are all about the person bestowing them feeling entitled to judge and express whether or not I'd be an acceptable fuck. "

Yup.

I don't welcome "compliments" that are all about the person bestowing them feeling entitled to judge and express whether or not I'd be an acceptable fuck. Someone saying something designed to genuinely express admiration, or a social pleasantry to make me feel good- fine.

I think it's context and intent.

So the other day I saw a women wearing the most amazing trousers. I told her they were fabulous because I hoped it would make her feel good.

I think harassment is about the harasser seeking to gain something

they comment on something I choose to put a lot of effort into - I wasn't born in this suit, I wear it because I want to look nice - so it's the effort they're complimenting really

Absolutely. It's nice when it happens.

"Tits" is an ugly word. My dislike of it isn't based on whether or not it's objectifying. It's in the same league as, for example , that awful expression "boils my piss". It's a word I would never use.

"Breast" is no more medical than "foot".

It appears in various forms in this poem. I don't think anyone could think it was being used as a medical term.

nale.pwp.blueyonder.co.uk/Literature/blackmarigolds.html

Interesting question, OP. I've never really had to consider it because, being conventionally ugly, I never get compliments from men. Women do compliment me, however. I've had strange women smile at me on the street, praise my choice in waistcoats, say I look nice. And I think those are definitely compliments because a) they come from people who don't pose an obvious physical threat to me b) they comment on something I choose to put a lot of effort into - I wasn't born in this suit, I wear it because I want to look nice - so it's the effort they're complimenting really and c) I always take it as a confirmation that I appear so non-threatening that a woman can say something nice to me without being afraid I'll get the wrong idea and try and hit on her or something. And I'm always touched by that, it feels very accepting, it's like the opposite of homophobia - whatever that is.

And I think that might be a part of it. When you pay someone a compliment, there's an element of risk on your part. You're taking the risk that the other person might misconstrue or resent what you've said to them. And if some man on the street shouts "you're beautiful" at a woman, it doesn't really seem as if he's taking much of a risk - but he may well be posing one.

Men just shout abuse at me for not being "feminine" enough, so that's quite clear cut...

Um, no?

I think the word tits is objectifying. My assumption would be that it isn't a word most women would be comfortable using about their breasts. But as I've said, I could be wrong.

I don't think breasts sounds particularly medical, and there are lots of non medical terms for body parts that are not objectifying!

So adult couples in mutually satisfying sexual relationships only use non-medical terminology for their partner's anatomy because of the culture we live in...? Right...

I would say that some women were happy with objectifying language because of the culture we live in, and the rest of us are under pressure to agree to it.

I was once complimented by an old lady who said I was so beautiful I looked like a china doll. Now, apart from it clearly being nonsense (I had my moments in my youth, but have never been beautiful), it was also clearly not harassment, but a comment meant in an entirely complimentary sense. I would have been rude - and possible bonkers - to tell her that she was out of order and I considered it harassment.

I can't think of many other examples where a stranger has commented on my appearance (rather than my clothes, bag etc) and it has been non-sexual, but these things do happen.

almond and Lass - fair enough, and in my example above I could have added that both parties were happy with using that language. Some people are fine with it, maybe even find it a turn on; some people find it the complete opposite. Ditto whispering rude stuff into someone's ear in public.

Yes almond I hate that word. I'd be seriously unimpressed at anyone using it about me.