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Original poster

Fathers of daughters

31 replies

StealthPolarBear · 10/01/2016 09:04

Please don't jump on me, this is just something I'm thinking about. I'm very happy to conclude I'm wrong, and I realise the generalisations I'm making do not apply to all.
I have realised that my dad is one of the least patriarchal men I know. To me anyway. When I was growing up as an only child there was an assumption I would go to university, get a good job. Any relationships, children etc were completely up to me. I'm not saying this is the right approach. I was taught how to change a car tyre, sort out oil, was generally trusted to be independent and look after myself (less so by my mum :))
Dhs dad is absolutely lovely but grew up in a predominantly male household and had boys himself. His views on women's roles seem a little more old fashioned. That could just be the way it is. I'd like to also say he's not rude about it, if he comes across something new he's quite accepting.
We have a boy and a girl. When dd was born I could see dh challenging some of his inner views about parenting girls, and making a conscious effort to not treat her as a delicate little flower.
I don't know...am I on to anything here? I suppose what I'm saying is dads of gis have more reason to challenge patriarchal attitudes and opinions they may have entrenched.

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Thefitfatty · 10/01/2016 12:31

In my family it's myself and my two brothers. If anything my father pushed me far harder then my brothers, and had far higher expectations of me. He certainly never treated me like a "girl." I was also the only girl on his side of the family and even my grandfather had a complete 180 when it came to how he treated women, so did my grandmother actually. The idea of just being a wife and/or mother is not something that was ever mentioned to me or that I ever considered.

DH often discusses feminist issues with me, especially with how we will raise our DD and DS to believe in equality. However, he was an only child and his fathers a bit of a patriarchal douche, so not sure where that came from....

TeiTetua · 10/01/2016 12:19

What I've heard, totally anecdotally, is that fathers who only have daughters are the ones who are most likely to encourage the girl(s) in non-traditional directions. Whereas a man who has sons will share all the male stuff with the boys, and leave the girls to learn from their mother. Maybe it would be most extreme if a girl is an only child--making one little girl into a tomboy might work, but two or more might fight back.

DontCallMeBaby · 10/01/2016 09:47

I agree with Palmer Violet to a considerable extent, but I do think sometimes the epiphany is a bit more nuanced. For instance I recently read a piece by a senior manager who concluded he would not be able to recommend working for his organisation as wholeheartedly to his daughter as he would to his son. A few people I know said this was the attitude Palmer describes - I think it's more that gut feel you can only get when something is very, very close to home.

I also think for some men having a daughter makes them realise more what society does to women, because it's the first time they've met something other than a fully formed woman. DH for instance is the younger of two boys, went to a boys grammar school and a male dominated university. Before we had DD the last time he had much to do with little girls he was just a little boy himself. In that circumstance it may come as a surprise that baby girls don't come into the world self-deprecating, anxious to please, and so on (tbf, I don't think it did to DH).

Also - I have a degree of 'take your conversions where you find them' in my mindset, rather than criticising how people come to their realisations, and how long it took to get there.

Original poster
StealthPolarBear · 10/01/2016 09:36

And that's exactly mu point about my own dad. Maybe if he'd had a boy his views would be more like fils...maybe not though.

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Original poster
StealthPolarBear · 10/01/2016 09:35

Oh definitely! I did see a phase of dh thinking "so that's why she rants about this crap" when coming across situations with dd

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PalmerViolet · 10/01/2016 09:30

Given the number of oped pieces by male journalists waxing lyrical about their daughters and how they can be anything they want, I'd agree you're on to something.

Not sure what you're onto.. and please don't think I'm jumping on you... but doesn't it seem sad to you that these men only wake up to the possibilities that half the species have when they manage to produce one of them? Why does this need to be personalised for them?

It's like the memes that ask men to imagine that it is their wife or daughter experiencing something that all women with obvious exceptions experience, almost like the other men making those memes don't think men are capable of seeing an inherently bad thing as bad, unless it's personalised for them.