Mothers identities

newlife maybe it's insecurity then. I generally feel inadequate, and constantly trying to validate myself, especially through ways that are visible to other people. Like having a stylish/immaculate house, or constantly trying too hard to look good.

I think being seen as "something" is part of that for me, and maybe I'm feeling that "just" being a mother isn't enough to validate me in other people's eyes, particularly if those people are career-driven mothers at the school gate.

Although in reality these people probably couldn't give a stuff....

purple

I think this is true of people who need to identify themselves somehow.
Having not gone back to work has had no effect on my identity as I don't identify myself by a label.
I see my life as being made up of different roles that change throughout life, some are added and some taken away.
I often wonder how I would feel if I needed an identity and what mine would be
I'm certainly not suggesting I have it right btw, just how I see it for me.
Maybe tbh it's a bit weird as I know others don't feel like this.

I really don't understand this at all, but certainly don't judge people for how they think.

For me I was/still am the exact same person as I always was with a few kids thrown in over the years.
I don't see the need to label or have a label to identify myself, I'm just me.
I haven't worked outside the home since having children, so about 24 years now.
I come and go as I please, don't have to answer to anybody and like it like this.
Obviously some of my time is dictated, such as friday and Sunday with the school run, maybe other things I will do for family, but generally I set my own goals, and deadlines.

I think I identify primarily with GreenTomatoJam.
I haven't stopped working for ds. And although he is somewhat always on my mind, he's definitely not the only or not all the time.
No OH now, but a demanding job and other interests. But then so most of my friends, and people I meet daily.
I have always felt like me, with mother added at some point. The only exception was perhaps when I got pregnant where the baby sort of took over my mind for a couple of months. But then work forced the door back in.

Hi Leedy,
I don't think about my three little ones either when I am at work. Definitely am not a man though!
I think it is part habit and discipline, but it helps that I find my work interesting and totally absorbing, and that we are able to afford very reliable flexible childcare that I have full confidence in. I don't have to clock watch for pickup times (not possible in my job anyway).
I would find the loss of identity associated with my career very difficult if I became a SAHM.

thatstoast I'm finding this with friends who are grannies, too. I'm 56, and I really like connecting with old friends and colleagues both online and irl. Some I haven't seen for 40 years, but all they seem to want to talk about is kids' weddings and grandkids.

Something that annoys me is other people assume you want to talk about your children. Or even worse, assume you want to hear about theirs. It may be because I have a toddler so he's not that interesting (in so far as he's probably the same as 99% as other 1 yr olds).

I just know that DH doesn't get bombarded with questions about walking and talking and potty training and have you put his name down for school? Which school? And so on.

leedy if you have a minder, fine. Someone else is caring for them. Many of us can't justify a minder because we can't earn enough; and we can't earn enough because we have kids. It's a vicious circle. If you're the only person who's there for them on a regular basis it quickly becomes self-fulfilling: you may only need a tiny bit of help but any help you have has to be reliable, available and affordable.

So many of us are on our own. And likely to stay that way, because other sources of support are stretched to the limit, not suitable or too expensive. It's a rut that's difficult to get out of.

"How do you put thinking about them to one side "

I dunno, I just do. PERHAPS I AM A MAN.

Sorry about the flippancy, but I've never really had the "the children are entirely my responsibility because I am a mother, not a father" thing, so while I do think about them from time to time when I'm in work, I don't really worry about them, at least not at the moment. I mean, they're in school. Or with their minder. They're (generally) fine.

I have more thoughts about this but I need to go to a meeting...

Agree with passive and purple. I'm amazed any one can hold down a,demanding job with kids. How do you put thinking about them to one side (apart from the practicalities of juggling childcare)?.

Another thing that I was unprepared for was the sheer amount of headspace a child takes up.

I sometimes wonder if this is actually the main reason for the pay gap for working mothers, i can't remember so much about work, as my head if full of kids stuff, whereas my husbands just isn't, his mind is full of work but can remember fuck all about the kids day to day stuff.

I had my children a little later (not very late, early 30s) having done a lot of work and travelling and being dumped and having flings so my sense of self was pretty well developed, and I don't think I've lost any of it having my kids.

What I've gained is a continuous little 'lump' in my brain (for want of a better way to describe it) that even when they're not around, is thinking about them. If I'm out and about without them, I'll still have a running commentary in my head that I should tell DS1 about that, DS2 would love one of those etc. I really feel like they're always with me. Someone described it as having your heart get out of your body and wander around, and that's kinda how I feel. I never knew I could feel such a deep connection to someone (and I do love DP, we do click in a way I'd never clicked with anyone else)

The only changes are practically. If DP is at work and I'm with the kids, then once they're in bed, that's it - if something's not in the house, then I can't have it, where previously I could have just popped out to get whatever. And the drag effect of getting two little ones dressed and out the door makes any trip rather more involved.

In summary, I'm still me, it's just there's more of me, and they can wander off on their own now :)

I was hoping to get a job too, purple, as soon as dd started school. It just didn't happen. It was a shock to realise that school days are inflexible in terms of working, and that you need reliable support before you can consider looking for work. It also didn't occur to me that I would very quickly become unemployable. So far, I've done some casual work unrelated to my ex-career and the usual volunteering in schools, but that's it, really.

Another thing that I was unprepared for was the sheer amount of headspace a child takes up. Prioritising another vulnerable and dependent individual over myself for years on end has sucked the life out of me. I feel drained and used up; not at all prepared for re-entering a competitive work arena. My age doesn't help! And that's just one child.

I feel lazy and underachieving; not myself at all. I'm sure there are those for whom raising children is an achievement in itself. I'm not one of them. I've always felt guilty about not "working", even though I'm financially independent. To assuage the guilt, I've gone somewhat overboard in helping others deal with their own childcare problems, whilst at the same time resenting the fact that they still have careers, and I haven't. No doubt they are envious of my own position. Bitter, moi?!

However I'm proud of my "choice". I believed that parents should take full responsibility for their children, and I have. I made sure I was financially well-established before having dd, even if I underestimated the effort and cost of bringing her up and the long term financial impact it would have. Tbh, I don't think I was cut out for kids at all. Obviously I love dd to bits, but it's been harder than I thought and left a bitter taste.

I think you are doing the right thing in taking a degree and preparing for work as soon as you can. I wish I'd had the foresight...

My identity is great It's the feeling that I could be doing everything better. My job would be better if I could travel more and didn't have to arrange childcare all the time. I could be a better parent. Just generally. I do community stuff and feel I never have enough time or patience for that. But I can't give anything up for fear of not having the things that make me, me.

The house is a tip but thank goodness my feminist mother made me believe it isn't my image, it's just the house. DH cares more what people think and he cleans more than I do.

I always think, if I had more time...

I became a SAHM at the grand old age of 42 after a full-on career. I can honestly say I did not miss work. I was fine if isolated and lonely until. dd started school and I discovered that most mothers were not, in fact, Sahms. I felt idiotic and, yes, inferior (although I had a weekend job). At work, I felt I could change the world. As a sahm, I was restless and frustrated, compounded by an unhelpful neanderthal dp.

For me, it's not a question of "just being me": I want to be the "me" that I used to be, and it's not gonna happen. I also want the other schoolgate parents to see the old me, instead of the ageing, fattening, menopausal shadow of myself that I have become.

I've lost any feeling of self-worth I had, and gained a grungy teen.

So yes, complete identity change here, and not in a good way.