Career and children and husband

I know my approach looks drastic, and isn't great for your relationship. But it frankly doesn't sound as though the current situation is doing much for your relationship either: the resentment you're feeling wil really affect it, however much you try not to let it.

My DH also expected me to take a back seat career wise. I said in that case I wanted a divorce. He changed his mind.

Am I right in thinking you wouldn't actually feel that more time in childcare would be problematic for the children? If so, I think you need to take back control here. You need, for your career and your mental health, to work more and be at home less. You can, as a couple, fund the childcare necessary to do that. Therefore if rational argument isn't working and he can't see how unfair the current situation is on you, just do it - book the childcare and up your hours. And if he really feels it's not fair on the children, he needs to negotiate the issues at work so that he can be around more (by doing a compressed week or going part-time). It's his call if he wants to lose his hobby time rather than dropping hours at work. Because fundamentally, he's assuming it's your job to look after the children, and that isn't on.

As an aside, have you thought about a nanny? It sounds as though you could afford it, and it would give you one consistent carer plus more flexibility than a nursery. And it would make it much, much easier when school holidays come round.

I am in a similar situation, although I work full-time. But it's me that leaves works flexible hours so I can leave at 4pm three days per week, it's me that misses team lunches to cram in my hours, it's me that doesn't stay late/go for drinks because I am the default parent for the children.

My DH and I both have demanding jobs, where you are never going to get the best projects and promotions by working just enough hours with half your brain planning a village hall birthday party. I have made my peace (mostly) with the fact that it'll be my career that takes the hit, because If we both went part-time, or we both tried to plan parties from our desks, both our careers would flat line. So it makes sense for it to be just one person that takes the hit, for the greater financial good of the family. I wouldn't ask DH to be the one to ease off at work because he doesn't care about the same things for the kids as I do, so I'd be constantly frustrated that he is earning less yet the kids still don't have their party/swimming lessons/make moon sand after school.

Good luck finding your balance. It's not easy, and I'm not sure there is a way to really have it all :(

I've written 2 different responses and deleted them - this is really raw for me too, as at the beginning of the year I had to turn down a really good job offer when it DP said that he couldn't/wouldn't accommodate any changes to allow him to take some responsibility for the kids dropoffs/pickups.

Luckily I found something freelance, for more money, that's letting me work full time and still drop the kids off at school/get them from (awesome) childminder, but the respect for DP is leaking away, and I don't want that - but when I'm holding down a job earning as much as him, and looking after the kids, and keeping the house and garden tidy, doing DIY, and sorting out all the paperwork while he does a couple of token bits poorly then I start to wonder if the occasional pleasure of having him around balances out the extra demands on my time having him around makes.

It's not fair. DP should do more. Your DP could do more. You are not being selfish, you are the only one seeing that there's even something selfish going on - you care about the kids, you care about yourself, you want the same from everyone else in the family, you're not being unreasonable, you're asking for adequate support.

Weve got possibly what you might prefer. We also preferred the child not to be in ft childcare, and both went to four days a week. Although there is possibly more pressure on DH to go full time (different employers) I'm the one more likely to want to go to ft (I'm certainly the one has worked more of my days off in the three years we've been doing this). The pros are enormous - we had similar home and work experiences. However, we are now both stuck in the career rut and are both 'trapped' in our current employers as realistically no jobs are ever advertised four days a week, and certainly not ones which would justify the move.

To answer your question, no. Nothing will make you feel better about that fact that the person who is supposed to be your partner isn't supporting you. It's a bit fucking rich for him to say he doesn't want the children to be in more childcare when he refuses to be the one to take up the slack.