Could we have a talk about perceptions of SAHP?

Do the people on this thread who are saying "I supported my husband's career " realise that you are making it harder for all other working women to work their way up the chain? Because by letting a parent of a child off all aspects of parenting, you make it harder for other working parents because it's even less of a level playing field.

Badds i did too, I was diagnosed at 8 months. I was lucky that by then I had got into a bit of a routine with classes and made a couple of friends - and DH had already found a new job and was getting paid considerably more which eased the money stresses. Tbh it was partly why I decided not to go back to work - depression and working for nothing was not an appealing combination!

Glad things have worked out for you Ali :)

Ali...there were times I hated it :(
I had late inset pnd after ds1 which didn't help.
I wish there was more support for all women...those who stay at home whether from choice or not, and those who work, from choice or not.
Because I think both groups feel judged.

I've seen SAHM-ing from two ends of the scale.

When I first went on mat leave with DS1, and then decided not to return to work it was largely because the childcare and costs for working - 2nd car etc - were going to leave us out of pocket. DH really wasn't earning a huge amount at that point, and things were tight.
Fast forward just over 7 years, and we are pretty well off. Both the children are at school, and I have a lot of time to myself. I pursue my own interests, go for a facial and a haircut when I want to. We have a cleaner.

I am enjoying myself hugely But, I'm planning to go back to work within the year. I am retraining in the spring and then going to look for work.

Being at home with the children when they were small was hugely challenging for me - like badders said upthread, it is the hardest thing I've ever done. I am very glad I did it, they have benefitted massively from having me around and I wouldn't change anything. Now they are both at school though, I need a new challenge.

People...it's interesting you say that....my ds1 is 12.5 and I'm finding that he needs me more ATM than he has in a long time.
Long chats about puberty, and girls, and the future and exams....obv all stuff he worries about and needs to talk through.

I have to say that if my dh was one of those men who didn't view all money as ours then I would never have stayed a sahm and we would have parted company very quickly. It does worry me though that wider society doesn't consider all money as ours.

As an aside, I don't think sahm should feel bad about not stretching themselves intellectually 24/7 and sometimes watching homes under the hammer, in their pants I am a secret teen mom watcher . My teens are as demanding as my 8 year old, just in different ways. They are keeping me very busy when they are not at school. There are other things going on in my life which are making me feel stressed. When my dc are at school I sometimes want to do something which requires no thought at all. It's no different to someone coming home from work and wanting to watch the football or Eastenders, which I would never judge someone for doing.

Hakas, I don't believe that caring is disrespected because women do it.

You see, I do believe that - women's work is traditionally undervalued and underpaid. I think if more men were carers, then it may indeed become possible that 'individuals who have spent long periods caring are well represented in influential roles either after caring responsibilities or combined with them'.

Because women are currently not well represented in influential roles, let alone women with caring responsibilities.

True.

I'm trying to think how many male carers I know....
In my village I guess it's 2. Only children and care for their elderly parents.
My Dh worked with a few guys who retired to care for their elderly parents - don't know if they were onlys.

They are just things people do- that's why sahm or wohm don't bother mentioning it.

I don't think sahms sit watching homes under the hammer either. But, if they run a business from home I wouldn't say they were SAHMs. I'd just say they work from home. There is a lot of other stuff which sahms can do but it's not specific to their status as SAHm is it? I have a friend who woth FT who is a school governer, I'm a volunteer, and lots of people study around work and family. I think they're just things people "do"- not specific to being a sahm

Hakas, I don't believe that caring is disrespected because women do it.

The important thing is that individuals who have spent long periods caring are well represented in influential roles either after caring responsibilities or combined with them.

That is the feminist issue.

I think There is a difference between a SAHP and a domestic slave. I've been a SAHP for a year now, lucky my DH did 6 months paternity leave before I was forced into this role and he gets it. I absolutely pity any poor person who has to ask for housekeeping or even just a £10 to spend on themselves, does all housework and childcare because their partner sees them as a scrounger.

Instead of judging women all the time why not judge the dads? I don't mind having a little dig at a father who thinks its a badge of honour to have never changed a nappy.

I've trained to be a BF supporter and volunteer locally it's keeping my CV active, I think you got to think of the worst case scenarios.

I don't mind voicing my mind when anyone dares to criticise either SAHP or WOHP. Funnily enough usually middle aged or older people, seems you can never bloody win.

And don't get me started on my next door neighbour who asked if I was on the 'social' because I am pregnant with my third. Because obviously unless you are filthy rich any other SAHM is automatically claiming benefits, and therefore a drain on society.

Baby...whilst I have been a sahm I have;

Completed ou courses (3) and would have continued had the fees not gone up.
Been a school governor
Been a school EAL reading helper
Been secretary to the local parochial church council - 2 years
Ran holiday clubs

Not all sahms sit and watch homes under the hammer in their pants yes I may have done this too

God, I would have loved to hand over my 2 sometimes! :)
Looking after kids full time (I will not use the term full time mum, I find that offensive to wohm) is fucking hard.
Hardest thing I've never done.
I'm glad I have been able to do it and I do think that sometimes the nasty comments about sahms come from women who wish they could be.
And sometimes the nasty comments about wohms come from women who wish they could be.
But until women actually support each other in their choices - or especially if it isn't a choice - then we are fucked and the patriarchy wins yet again.

I don't think cookie is unusual at all (apologies cookie)
Many sahm I know have loads of interests/roles that they would love to make more money from.

I think you are quite unusual cookie. Quite a lot of the SAHMs I know didn't like working and were positively overjoyed to give it up. Others don't earn enough for childcare.
I feel like I'm the only person who works FT sometimes. I don't mind handing her over to someone else. Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I'm
Relieved to be away. Men can say that but women can't.

The difficult thing about being a WOTH parent is the dreary admin of running a house has to happen at the weekends, and that should be quality time.

To be prefectly honest I think when you earn a good salary it's hard to consider giving it up. Earning a grand or two a month just wouldn't cut it. Also my main experience of SAHm was maternity which I Loved, but it wasn't fulfilling. It was baby classes, talking to people you don't have much in common with, driving go family all the time. Waiting for partner to come home. I'm
Sure it's different if you have close family and friends

Oh yeah...I was called a prostitute once on the feminism board :)
Which - I have to tell you - was annoying on 2 levels...

1. Dh didn't earn much at the time
2. We didn't have much sex

Cookie I would describe you as working from home rather than a SAHM. I freelanced when mine were little & considered myself a freelancer, not a SAHM, though I worked around their schedule. I have a friend with a successful social media business and she certainly wouldn't describe herself as a SAHM.

For me, a SAHM has no income but that which her man provides - which is problematical for feminism.

I couldn't care less on a personal level about negative perceptions of sahm. I just think: you don't know..

I also dislike the 'I admire sahm'. It's patronising rubbish- and again- what do you know?

I have lots of interests, yes.
Just lack the time and money to indulge in them :)

Perception not notion sorry!

You know you can make something of yourself being a SAHM. My target is to make £250 this week. So far I made £45 in an hour with a few clicks on the computer sat on sofa trading on the Exchange.OK, I'm not a breadwinner at the moment but my earnings are not to be sniffed at. I'm studying the piano and music theory and currently reading a book by Stephen Hawkins. I'm not boasting, just saying this is a typical day being a SAHM whilst my kids are at school. The world is at your fingertips especially the Internet on tap. I'm far more intellectual now than working in my city job helping others make money.

I challenge the notion of SAHM when there is so much I want to achieve and do in my life. I contribute a lot to a dinner discussion. Am I the only SAHM like this? Most of SAHM are pretty super in that they have loads of interests

There are so many women juggling their own families, a job and caring responsibilities.
It's something that many many 40/50 something's are dealing with.
Yet it's just not talked about, is it?
Many women are dealing with their DC leaving home, the menopause and elderly frail relatives.
You just don't see articles about this stuff in Cosmo etc.
It's so hard at times. My mum is like a 70 year old toddler :(