Wifework and men being ill.

But - to restate again - you're not being unsympathetic. you've said - repeatedly - that you are being empathetic to his face, and that you're coming on here to have a bit of a moan because you are also stressed by this. That's completely reasonable! I think sometimes people don't understand that self-control exists and one can be really quite stressed inside yet smile and do the whole Florence Nightingale bit on the outside.

What I hear in your posts is someone who is themselves trying to control their anxiety, and to get everything done, working in a context where someone else is making demand after demand - like you driving 30 minutes to the hospital just so he can have two extra hours on his laptop! It is not in any way 'mean' or 'wrong' of you to think that he can get a magazine or a book and amuse himself for a couple of hours until you bring the laptop later on. Nor does it mean that you're not a loving wife that you're thinking about your kids and their schedules alongside his.

Yes, back pain is debilitating. Yes, he deserves the sympathy he is getting. But no, that does not mean that you are suddenly obligated to do every little thing that he demands!

If he's unwell enough to be in hospital he shouldn't be working anyway.

I'm often the first to call "wife work" and be hard on men! But think you're being unreasonable here. what he has sounds very painful and frightening. Back and neck problems can be really debilitating and hugely affect quality of life. Nerve damage can be permanent. It's not certain whether he will be OK and pain free in the future - hopefully he will be but you don't know that. Not surprising that he's scared and wants you there. Understandable that its difficult to leave work/the DC but it sounds like he's in a bad way physically and emotionally.

They are in France, though, Shutthatdoor - I can't imagine anyone being hospitalised here because of 'mere' backpain (and I have had one bout of true sciatica and it was agonising). It was also done at the DH's request - again, no-one gets admitted to hospital here just because they ask to be.

I have a different perspective in that I am a dreadful patient, I hate being ill, whilst my DH is stoic despite living in chronic pain. In fairness he is not really expected to do anything, but will try to step up as best he can when I am ill. Except for when I am physically unable to get down the stairs to the kitchen I never get anything made or brought up for me, though (because unless physically immobilised it is still easier for me to get there rather than him).

That said I wouldn't tolerate any 'I'm all alone and you don't care" bullshit - nor would I inflict that on my DH. For one thing, the reason he is all alone is because you are looking after his child, does he have a solution to that? And the other reason is because there is nothing you can do for him.

So I would say to some extent it is a personality issue, about being a crap patient. But nevertheless it isn't for you to make endless allowances for this.

It is unusual to be hospitalised for back pain to be fair. Usually it is medicated at home.

I think people are missing the point. You ARE being caring - you are going above and beyond to look after him. You're just not dropping everything to be at his bedside day and night because there is absolutely no real need. There is not really any question of a serious diagnosis by the sounds of things - as far as you know, he has sciatica. While it is painful and debilitating it is by no means life-threatening and does not demand that you hover constantly at his bedside or that you are available 100% of the time on the phone.

Yes, I get that he is anxious about illness. But you're not being unsympathetic. You're offering very decent amounts of empathy, but you're trying to balance his needs with childcare (which no-one else can do now he is unwell) and keeping your family show on the road, both of which place you under strain. Breaking off a conversation to ensure that your childrens' routines are disturbed as little as possible by his illness is completely reasonable. The PA texts are not OK, nor is his guilt-tripping about being 'alone'.

Stick to your guns - be firm and fair and don't rise to the PA stuff. Set expectations at the start of the conversation, e.g. 'I've got 30 minutes before I have to put DD to bed and I thought it would be lovely to hear your voice. How are you doing?' Listen for a reasonable time, and then keep on keeping on. It's tough work looking after everyone - good luck.

I realise this is the feminist board, but I was like your Dh when I was ill with a bad back. I expected Dh to look after me and be nice even if I snapped at him. And I probably moaned a lot. Some people are bad patients I am sorry to say. The answer is to give him lots of strong drugs.

^Agree.

I have constant back pain for which I have had and awaiting further surgery as well as being very strongly medicated.

He must be pretty bad tbh to be in hospital. They usually don't admit for back pain or trapped nerves unless bad.

The above has got my back up though because it feels like I'm expected to do more than act like a supportive kind partner. I feel like I'm expected to act like a wife IYSWIM?

What does that mean?

If he is anxious, he's anxious and you can't really do anything about it. Because it's a perfectly reasonable short term response to medical uncertainty.

Yes, it would be nice if his manner was as you think yours would be in the circs, but I think that during a short period of known stress you do have to aim off for it, unless it becomes really outrageous (and I didn't get the feeling from your post that it had).

If you don't want to hear the details, you don't have to. But I don't think that's terribly good communication. Because when something is vitally important to someone, it's again perfectly reasonable that they want to talk it out and it's their timetable that matters. You may also be storing up future 'see-saw' type problems if he concludes that the listening end of communication isn't valued within the partnership and therefore makes no effort, or cuts you short, should you ever be deeply concerned for your health (or anything else) and want to talk it through.

It is unreasonable of him however to expect you to rearrange your work (at this stage, if a serious diagnosis is confirmed. Then compassionate leave may be in order) or to expect you to be more available to take calls during your working hours than you normally are.

I've got an agonising trapped nerve in my back atm. I still get up, help dd get dressed, put washing on etc. Dont expect anyone to look after me, just totally out of it on painkillers.

I realise this is the feminist board, but I was like your Dh when I was ill with a bad back. I expected Dh to look after me and be nice even if I snapped at him. And I probably moaned a lot. Some people are bad patients I am sorry to say. The answer is to give him lots of strong drugs.

If he is normally an okay sort of bloke then I would cut him a little slack.

If he has been admitted to hospital (?) then there is obviously something seriously wrong with him.

Might it help to think of the shoe being on the other foot?

What would your DH do if it were you that were in his position?

Would he put up with you speaking to him and the children as he is?

Change work hours? Be available to listen to you kvetch?

I have no doubt he's in pain, and I know from experience that pain can and will do funny things to people's personalities, but if you're feeling put upon and he wouldn't service your needs in this way, then just stop.

Poor him though, he must be feeling bloody awful. Still no excuse to be a twatbadger!

I read an interesting distinction recently between "caring" and "servicing". The author was suggesting that "care" is something that absolutely has to be done, and that the person can't do for themselves - and everything else is 'servicing'. The point being to distinguish between, say, caring for a sick three year old who cannot look after themselves and making a dinner for your husband, who can do it himself (in spite of protestations of convenient incompetence by some men).

While I think it's a bit simplistic, practically speaking, it's quite a good rule of thumb. By the sounds of things, your DH does have some places right now where he needs "care" but they aren't as all-encompassing as he suggests, and some of it is an (unfair and unreasonable) demand for attention and 'service'.

Just putting that out there in case it helps. Poor you, though. You must be run off your feet, and it isn't easy looking after an entire household singlehandedly.

It does sound as though his pain isn't being managed and that he needs something a bit stronger. I would encourage him to pester the GP. Has he had proper X-rays etc done?