Wifework and men being ill.

My dad has just had an operation to remove a bulging disc. He has been in awful pain, waiting for this op for months. At no point has he been shirty to my mum or expected her to wait on him hand and foot. If anything, he does too much.
So I think no excuses for the PA comments.

He has to understand that the world hasn't stopped - you still have kids whose needs have to be met and work and your own stuff to do. The laptop thing would have pissed me off and I wouldn't have done it.

And I do hope the scan comes back with good news too.

I don't think you are being unreasonable at all. I think he is acting petulantly and has a level of expectation of 'service' from you (well described by shovetheholly). Would he really offer the same to you?

Hope your DH gets his scan soon. That way they will be able to tell if surgery is needed or not, depending on how slipped it is.

for you.

I find this interesting as I have never had a boyfriend or partner who behaved like this.

Clearly reading MN and this thread it is a thing that happens often. Plus all the "man flu" jokes at work - including from the men! What's that all about? It seems to be generally accepted that men get iller than women and/or make a bigger fuss about it.

TBF I'm not a very caring person and I have a family who take the "you don't take time off unless you're actually dead" variety so maybe I weeded them out early on or something. I might ask DH.

OP it sounds to me, from the texts and stuff, that he is being a bit off really. Yes he's in pain and scared but the stuff about "you don't care" when you are doing loads of stuff is just not on.

I've had conversations with DP about this (he also has these over-dramatic tendencies). Sometimes he forgets that people exist outside of his sphere - we've spoken about this, it's I suppose a bit narcissistic - but he forgets that we have lives and things to be doing, even when he's not there - almost as if we just put ourselves in the cupboard for the day and switch back on when we get home or he needs some task performed.

He knows he does this though, so it just takes a reminder and he pulls himself up on it.

I've seen it in my dad too. If he's doing something, then mum/I are expected to 'attend' to him - we can't get on with stuff ourselves - eg. if he's doing some DIY, then he'll assume we're available to get tea, bring dustbin sacks etc. and will be annoyed if you're not, even if it's because you're busy doing something similar yourself (so obviously, you don't - even though that then means that he can justify it because it looks like you're just hanging around drinking tea - because if you start anything you get interrupted).

It is a fundamentally different experience having a visit from a male family member to a female one - a male one will expect me to be a satellite to his needs, a female one will dig in and help me with what I'm doing.

I do think men tend to fall into the role of injured soldier patient, rather than ill husband/father. Women get ill, but remain in their roles. Men seem to sever all ties with duty, family, and become this whole new entity lying on the couch radiating 'the pain' from every pore.

Oh I meant if a woman chooses to act like she's at the beck and call of the 'man of the house', but yes your point is certainly valid too.

I don't think so worra. I read it as the theoretical 'wife' in wifework.

I agree that if a man choses to act like that, it's not going to make any difference if he is legally married to the woman or not.

I think you are right about illness in patriarchal society, people's expectations and your DH getting this attitude from somewhere.

As he is a decent bloke, in normal conditions he would probably realise he was being dickish and moderate his behaviour accordingly. Pain takes the veneer off people, though. I find myself being really babyish sometimes when I am in pain. I want my (imaginary) mummy to come and make it all better.

Thanks aging but I'm puzzled as to whether the OP thinks that this is how wives act?

In other words, if someone chooses to act like that, it's not going to matter whether they're a wife or a partner.

Worra the term wifework comes from this book by Susan Maushart where she puts forward a theory about the unequal distribution of emotional labour in most marriages.

Or it could be that he wants to 'punish' the OP by inconveniencing her all afternoon, as he is inconvenienced by being in hospital. I'm not saying he's sitting there plotting how best to piss her off (although is doing a fine job of it anyway) but couldn't this be more of this petulance that is expressing itself in endless moaning and talking unpleasantly to his wife and kids.

I say stand firm and say no laptop til later. Given he checked himself into hospital, if he that's bothered he can check himself back out again.

Yes, he's being unreasonable about the laptop. Could be out of fear about consequences at work of being off sick. Employers can be rubbish and people put expectations on themselves too.

Agree to an extent

I 'caught' my DH on his phone looking at work emails less than 48hrs after being in surgery for 8 hours! He could hardly hold the phone let alone focus, but felt he 'had to'

"I think people are missing the point. You ARE being caring - you are going above and beyond to look after him. You're just not dropping everything to be at his bedside day and night because there is absolutely no real need. There is not really any question of a serious diagnosis by the sounds of things - as far as you know, he has sciatica. While it is painful and debilitating it is by no means life-threatening and does not demand that you hover constantly at his bedside or that you are available 100% of the time on the phone.

Yes, I get that he is anxious about illness. But you're not being unsympathetic. You're offering very decent amounts of empathy, but you're trying to balance his needs with childcare (which no-one else can do now he is unwell) and keeping your family show on the road, both of which place you under strain. Breaking off a conversation to ensure that your childrens' routines are disturbed as little as possible by his illness is completely reasonable. The PA texts are not OK, nor is his guilt-tripping about being 'alone'.

Stick to your guns - be firm and fair and don't rise to the PA stuff. Set expectations at the start of the conversation, e.g. 'I've got 30 minutes before I have to put DD to bed and I thought it would be lovely to hear your voice. How are you doing?' Listen for a reasonable time, and then keep on keeping on. It's tough work looking after everyone - good luck"

^^

Holly for president

Yes, he's being unreasonable about the laptop. Could be out of fear about consequences at work of being off sick. Employers can be rubbish and people put expectations on themselves too.

DH works too hard and tried to work when in hospital a few years ago for appendicitis (he lugged the laptop to hospital with him despite being doubled over in pain when the GP told him to head there asap). He got short shrift from the nurses when he tried to connect it!

When I say I feel like I'm being expected to act like a wife I mean I should be at the beck and call of the man of the house and doing it with the patience of a saint.

Is that how you see wives?

Sorry if I'm being dense (I promise it's not on purpose!)

But it sounds as though you're saying you think married women are at the beck and call of the 'man of the house'?

I think the laptop thing is unreasonable. If he's ill enough to be in hospital he's too ill to be working. So expecting you to take a huge chunk out of your afternoon, when you're already planning to visit him later, is being entitled.

This is a sad reflection and admission from me here but I am s terrible patient. If I was really in a bad way my dh would be caring for me in the manner you describe. The shoe on the other foot I would really try to do the same except dh is not the worst patient. It took actual pneumonia for me to stop calling what I presumed was a cold 'man flu' because until he keeled over he just kept cracking on. I think you are being a bit harsh.

Bear in mind also that you are probably the only person he feels able to express his fears and worries to - in patriachal systems men are supposed to be physically uncomplaining, stoic and unemotional (this may also make you uncomfortable when he isn't).

As for the laptop thing, I think that's an excellent example of illness in patriarchal society - he feels unable not to work (that would be showing weakness) and you are expected to on hand to facilitate this.

for both of you. Illness is shit for everyone involved.

I'm often the first to call "wife work" and be hard on men! But think you're being unreasonable here. what he has sounds very painful and frightening. Back and neck problems can be really debilitating and hugely affect quality of life. Nerve damage can be permanent. It's not certain whether he will be OK and pain free in the future - hopefully he will be but you don't know that.

I think the crux of it is it could be scared and very frightened. The fear of the unknown.

My sciatica, nerve damage and slight slipped disc has lead to me now being in a wheelchair.

for you though OP as I know I'm not the best of people to be around when my pain is at its worse.

In your shoes wouldn't rush to take the laptop, just take it later once youve done the other things. But I would try to sort out some childcare (paid or friends) and go and spend time with him and see what's going on.

It's hard not having local family support when stuff like this happens, I and DH are often tempted to bury head in sand and try to carry on as normal, not take time off work, do school runs etc. but sometimes partners do need the other more than the DC needs them at that point. Several couples we know have called on friends to help with childcare when one has had an illness or injury, for short times, it has been OK but people are glad to help when they can. BIL was injured and in hospital for a couple of weeks last summer and SIL phoned round, DH and other family members travelled and took time off work to look after their three DC.

"Just because you're paranoid doesn't mean they're not out to get you" also comes to mind with respect to his health anxiety. Hopefully he'll be fine but until you know for sure might be good to make time for him.