Single mothers using sperm banks

I'm not sure that the woman central to that Telegraph article is the type of child of sperm donation that most single women will be producing. Her mother chose to have a child, from a sperm donation from a friend, there has been a bit of a conspiracy to keep salient facts from her. It's not really comparable to getting a sperm sample from a sperm bank.

Apples and oranges, imo.

Agreed Disco I do think anyone deciding to go it alone needs to aware it's going to be more difficult on your own unless you have sufficient financial resources and/or a support network of friends and family.

"Not saying that being the child of anonymous sperm donation is on the same league"

Good. Then don't compare them.

I think if the woman is financially OK and has given it lots of proper thought, then why not really.

It's not "brilliant" and it's not "awful", it's just some women having babies. Which isn't anything new really.

Thanks TJ.

This is an excellent (imo) article on the complexities of being a child of a sperm donor. www.telegraph.co.uk/lifestyle/wellbeing/11607985/Is-it-time-to-question-the-ethics-of-donor-conception.html
I accept that some people are fine with not knowing, but soem aren't.

Is there a link to the research Andre?

I'm surprised there are a lot of children of sperm donors in the UK.

"Would you rather not have been born at all?" is a very low bar when it comes to parenthood. "Sure I'm an alcoholic with mental health issue and no money and married to a man who beats me up, but I'm coming off the pill, because my mate comes from a similarly fucked family and she says she wouldn't rather have been aborted."

Not saying that being the child of anonymous sperm donation is on the same league, just that "rather not have been born" is a test so low as to be meaningless.

The HFEA did a lot of research and talked to a lot of children of sperm donation before they decided on barring anonymity, so I'm inclined to think they knew what they were doing. (I know the question wasn't specifically about anonymity).

One other thing - Scandinavia is famously supportive of childcare and work-life balance. I bet single parenthood is an easier choice there than here.

than not be born at all.

There are many children that "are not born at all" - I've "not had" 3 whilst typing this...

It's a bit of a weird statement if you don't mind me saying as it doesn't seem to make sense.....

Sperm donors presumably are happy to donate and for children to be produced.

All 9 of them in the UK National Sperm Bank......

Fear of unwanted children making claims upon them seems to have put most British men off....

doh - right, sorry - you said sperm banks not donor eggs.

doh!

Still hope it would be regulated and not dictated y money.

I would disagree that it is entirely positive.

It would depend on what the guidelines are in scandinavia for those making the donations.
It needs to be a regulated process and it certainly isn't in many countries which means that women are exploited for their eggs.

I had IVF so I am not against anyone using this kind of fertility treatment but too many people try to get around the properly regulated clinics by going abroad to countries where there are no regulations RE the amount of times a woman can go through the potentially harmful egg collection process or the incentives for donors.

My 9 month old was conceived using donor sperm. I am trying for another baby with the same donor (in fact I just miscarried so trying again in November). It wasn't through a sperm bank though it was through a website called coparents.com

I met him in my home, he did the business in my bathroom and I paid him £70 plus petrol then performed self insemination. The baby is perfect, born 9lb 8oz in December.

I'm a single mum with an 12 year old daughter as well through a previous relationship. I'm 35 and single and wanted to expand my family on my own.

I have no idea whether what I'm doing is right or wrong, I will have to find out when the baby and the soon to be baby are older and can tell me! They're really the only people it concerns.

I have never felt so happy in my entire life.

Well if you read my post you will see that I mentioned that is not always how it turns out but what about when it is and no matter how wonderful your upbringing can be that still might be the case

It can be very very difficult not knowing anything or very little about a biological parent the desire that feels like a need is incredibly strong can be overwhelming hence why so many children look for a their biological parent/s

Or on the other hand it can matter not all. I know my biological father's name and that my mother met him in France. And that's it. He never came to the UK and my family (which as far as I'm concerned means my maternal grandfather's and my maternal grandmother's respective families) never met him. This does not bother me in the slightest.

"Of course I wouldn't have rather not been born cote. "

Similarly, I suppose you would agree that any child would rather have been born and not know his father than not be born at all.

So, why are you telling people they shouldn't have children if said children will not know their fathers?

It can be very very difficult not knowing anything or very little about a biological parent the desire that feels like a need is incredibly strong can be overwhelming hence why so many children look for a their biological parent/s

Not knowing where you get hair colour, eyes, or certain traits (and it's incredible what is passed through genes) can though not always be a very painful experience and impact how you identify yourself

Like I said before love and secure upbringing of course is the most important thing but we are more complex than that it is not so simple that the child is very much wanted

I don't think sperm donation is like adoption.

Adoption generally means that the mother had an unwanted pregnancy, or there was neglect or some other very difficult situation.

That is obviously a lot of distress around someone's birth and early childhood.

Sperm donors presumably are happy to donate and for children to be produced.

I have two DCs by donor and I am single. I had the option of using a male friend but actually I rejected that option in favour of using an unknown donor with ID release for the children when they are 18.

My reasoning was that I actually think it is very difficult for children to know that they have a father and to see him and know who he is but to accept that he won't be their every day daddy who does all the other things that daddies do. My possible donor is still my best friend and my children adore him but if he was their father, they wouldn't understand why he doesn't want to be with them all the time. They would experience that loss every day. Daddy comes round but Daddy doesn't want to be here all the time . Yes they'd have access to their genetic heritage from day 1 but I can't really deal with the concept of being a father but not really.

Now perhaps I'm as influenced by my childhood experiences as you are TJ. I know my father but he left when I was 6 and the loss of the person who is supposed to love you most in the world is still the biggest loss I've ever had to deal with. It's a hurt I still carry around with me. I'm sure that influenced my decision. I don't want my children to feel the loss that I did. Of course they will lose out on the genetic inheritance knowledge but that's why I've chosen an ID release donor.

So far (at age 9 and 6) my children are very happy, loving and loved. I'm sure we will have our travails but my job will be to help them as much as I can with the journey they will have to go through.

Of course I wouldn't have rather not been born cote. But making the best out of a situation that arises (as many many people do, wonderfully well) is not the same as deliberately causing that situation to arise.

My kids both have learning disabilities. It doesn't make me love them any the less, or value them any the less. And we have put in place all sorts of strategies to counter them and stop them from hindering their lives. I wouldn't change anything about them (well, actually if I could stop my dyspraxic son from losing everything I would definitely change that). And if I had been told when pregnant of their diagnoses I would of course have still continued with the pregnancy. But if someone had offered me a drug whilst pregnant that would cause my embryo's to become dyslexic children I wouldn't have taken it.

I don't need or expect my life to be problem free, but I wouldn't plan to take actions that would definitely cause problems. And if you've grown up with knowledge of both of your biological parents you really can't understand how difficult some people can find it to not have that knowledge

I think it depends how things are discussed with the child as they grow up too. I always answered my daughter's questions as honestly as was age - appropriate, with lots of reassurance. If it's badly handled, I can see that it might make a child feel insecure/unwanted. Children with absent fathers (like my DS) can also grow up happy/secure. My DS had more difficulties dealing with his erratic/irrational absent father than my DD did with not knowing hers. I've remarried to a wonderful man and am now living a 'traditional' family life, but I don't feel our life before was 'less', it was different.

I agree with adoption as a solution to a problem of a child whose biological parents can't look after it. And yes, I'm aware that many children have biological parents who bugger off and the remaining parent does a fantastic job of raising them. My stepmother raised me perfectly well, but she couldn't have filled the gaping hole in my life of not knowing what my biological parent looked like, or whether I'd inherited character traits from them.
I have no problem at all with same sex parents. My cousin is raising the biological child of her female partner as an equal "mother", but crucially, their sperm donor was a male friend of theirs who agreed to have input into their child's life. Minimal input, as he doesn't want the lifestyle that goes along with raising children, but their idea is that their son, and any potential future children they have, will be able to meet him when they want to and so not have that hole in their lives.

I simply think that a child's right to know their genetic origins is more important than an adult's right to have a child. Of course it's not always possible and not knowing your biological parent is a situation that can be mitigated by excellent parenting by the people bringing you up. But I don't think anyone should choose to create that less than optimal situation in the first place.

"Why is a parenst wish to have a child more important than a child's need to know their parents? I grew up not knowing anything about my biological mother or her family due to complicated circumstances. It is not something I would wish on any child. "

Would you rather not be born at all?

X-posted with Keep - and obviously children with absent fathers have every chance of happiness as well, if they have a loving Mum in their lives.

I don't disagree with you necessarily TJ, but following that argument to its extreme, all unwanted pregnancies would have to be aborted and as someone whose vehemently pro-choice, I find that hard to reconcile.

As scallops says, what about same sex parenting, and the myriad men who walk out on their DC never to see them again?

In an ideal world, all childre would have ongoing relationships with their parents, but that doesn't happen. I reckon a child who's been conceived via sperm donation has a better chance of happiness that a child whose parent has met it, spent time with it, and then exited its life.