Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

GiveMeStrength! Why is your name your 'father's name' or your 'husband's name', but not ever actually yours...?

A man's name is his name. He gets to keep it, and go through life unfettered by this concern, nor with having to change his title on marriage.

A woman's name is her name, just as much as a man's name is his name. Men's names were (inevitably) passed down by their father, but nobody discredits their ownership of their name because of that; they only discredit women's right to own - and keep - their name.

I have no axe to grind - I took DH's name after a few years but I defend to the death any woman's wish to keep her own name, and really reject the idea that it's was only ever her father. No more or less than her brother's name was 'just' his fathers...

I haven't had the same surname as my mum since I was 7, Barbara (she remarried). I haven't had a lifetime of explaining things Actually what I have to spend more time correcting is people saying 'your dad's just called'. Really? After closer examination it turns out it was my step-dad, which at least saves me the cost of a phone call to mainland Europe to find out my dad hasn't called!

Your mileage may vary of course!

Change your name to your husband's - I'd really like a rational explanation as to how this may diminish your feminist status.(It doesn't. It just saves your kids a lifetime of not having to explain things and you the same length of time of not having to describe your relationships to children and husband.) Or his to yours, just all have the same name. Double-barrelled names = TACKY....

Following your logic, 5by5, your name is still your name, not your family's. So even though you are NC with them you're still you.

I would agree as well that changing name whilst changing country is just asking for some kind of bureaucracy hell resulting in you being renditioned to Guantanamo or similar.

Personally I would stick with your name for now. You may find moving a long distance from your estranged family gives you more closure than changing your name would anyway.

The "but it was my dad's name not mine" is bonkers. It was your name all your life - everything you did and achieved was in that name- you made it yours.

OP- ask your husband to change his name - make a new family name for all of you. Starting a new life is a fantastic time to do this.but I bet he won't

I signed with my maiden name but have taken my husband's name.

By the sounds of it you can call yourself what you like just use the rest of the family surname when you move but tbh it doesnt matter i dont think

I name changed after 8 years. I wanted the same name as my DC (was 7 months pg at the time). I also wanted ds to have dh's name (only grandchild or cousin on dh's side, one on many on mine; mine is complicated Gaelic name, dh's is standard English "occupation" name.) I am Mrs MarriedName at home, driving licence etc and Dr NameIWasBornWith ptofessionally. Not sure I would have changed at all if I didn't have a PhD to legitimately continue with Name IWasBornWith.

Yes, but then I've moved around a lot, and things like getting criminal records checks when you've moved country almost every year (become a computer programmer, see the world!) get... challenging....

I'm sure for most people it's a bit more straightforward :) and actually, Singapore is definitely one of the best places for this - all procedures are clear, generally on the internet (or solved by waiting in a couple of queues at MoM) - I wish all tax returns were as straight forward as they are there (not much more than 'how much did you earn? Give us 15%') - I turned up on the last day it was due, without a SingPass (id-card-like thing), with queues around the building, and I was in and out with a Singpass and tax return filed via one of their many provided computers, in under an hour! So efficient - I'd move back in a second.

Names there really don't matter - half the ethnic Chinese I worked with had both Chinese and English names, and I can't think any of the married women I knew who'd changed their names unless they were Westerners.

The feminist thing: when I got married I changed my name from 'my dad's surname' to 'my husband's dad's surname' so didn't really see it as having any feminist point either way. (Although I suppose I changed something and DH didn't.)

The surnames I like best in my life are my grandmother's... which they got from their fathers. And I have never been known as anyway but they are v much part of my identity.

So I don't know. Just pick whichever name sounds nicest. That's what I did.

Oh really i thought i signed his name tbh ive been married that long im sure its written on parchment

If it's Switzerland you may have problems if you haven't changed your name!

I see your point re belonging to a family, although it's the other way round for me. I don't think of any of my husband's family as my family and don't want to be, nor am I, a part of their family.

I thought you had to sign with your name.

Yes "your name" there is nothing in UK law which magically changes "your name" when you get married.

Not all countries do name changes as routine and there is nothing in UK law which requires a name change.

I do get where you're coming from OP, I didn't change my name (Sorry Cath, I didn't know giving up my identity was part of the whole commitment thang) but it is a little irksome to have a different name from my DS. I wish we'd both picked one and gone for that, and that's the advice I give anyone getting married now.

(We would have had a weird double-barrel, and I always wonder where it stops with double barrels if DCs want to get married and keep their own names...)

Oh, well, if it's a place like (casts mind around places I've lived which sound similar)... Singapore, then really, don't bother unless your name is worrying you.

In fact, on the con side of changing your name, it can be a pain in the bum if you forget some piece of paperwork in the old country, but now everything's in a different name, and no-one will let you change the old stuff because you're somewhere else, and the new place won't accept the old paperwork because it's in the old name, and you find yourself hunting through boxes of stuff looking for anything with the old name (in my case address) on it so you can dig yourself out of the paperwork hole you've managed to get yourself in....

Are you sure mrsjayy? I thought you had to sign with your name. The registrar told me this when I got married. I went double barrelled afterwards. I wish I'd kept my name as I'm finding the two names a massive administration faff. Don't want to change back as it would be another massive administration faff.

Depending on which country you'reoving to, but not all countries see women adopting husband's surnames.

I see your reasons, but would still find it hard to give up the feminist reasoning...

See i just signed jay husband i thought that was what you were meant to do

Oh is that how it works honestly didn't know. Dd is getting married and wants to keep her name for work i think

It's entirely up to you - I can see why you're mulling it over - I think that if you're NC with your parents that's a particularly good reason (although if your children still have your name as their middle name, perhaps not so much).

If you're going to a religious country then perhaps it will be smoother, if you're going to a bureaucracy-heavy country then it might be easier. I'm considering marrying DP (lucky him :P) if we decide to follow through on the move to a very catholic country (I wouldn't change my name though - DS2 has my surname, and I like my name, and am known by it professionally) for convenience (and clarity/security if either of us should have any medical issues/whatever).

Honestly? Just change it, it's actually much easier than you'd think and much less reaction. It's nice to be "family name" family.

If you don't like it it's not hard to just change it back again! Or you can come up with something completely new, I quite like the idea of just having a whole new name you decided you liked more than what you were lumped with without choice at birth.