Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

Its not convention these days its tradition imo

But its a given name its your fathers or mothers name it was given to you, and married women can chose to take their husbands name, a womans identity isnt stolen from her because she is mrshusband. What would you think of future daughter in laws if they changed their name to your sons ? Would you think they were not truly feminist

So you didn't think about it deeply- you just went along with convention. Now that really is an anti feminist thing to do!

And before you say anything- please notice that I am not saying you're not a feminist. I'm just saying that on this occasion, as we all do sometimes, you made an anti feminist choice.

I did it because I wanted to, and these days I can thankfully choose to keep my name or take my husbands. Thankfully we can do that now. Your opinion may differ or you may not understand, but that doesn't mean I am wrong. You may believe it's surrender or ownership or whatever you think. I don't think about it that deeply, I just think it's a choice situation and these days we can choose. Which is great. There isn't one size fits all when it comes to feminism, for me. Then again, I don't see it as a negative thing to want to have my husbands name. It was one of the things I was really looking forward to when I got married. I still like seeing Mrs Husbandsname now.

I understand that. But how does a feminist explain why she gives up her name and takes a man's name on marriage?

Because for me the point of feminism is being able to choose what you want to do with your name.

How can it possibly be a feminist choice to give up your own name and take a man's? Could you explain to me?

Among other things, yes. But my question was, why would a feminist choose to do something that was anti feminist? I'm not disputing that she could make that choice. It's the "why" we're talking about.

It may be anti feminist for you but it isn't for me and others. I'm glad I can call myself whatever I want.

No. It's her name. Just as it was his name. This argument has already been addressed upthread.

I Took dh name , am married 18 yrs & have 4 kids .

I've never liked my new name & am going to change it back on my passport & drivers licence this
yr (I turn 40) .I kept my own name on social media & bank.
People know me as both so It won't be a big deal.

My commitment to my family isn't less because I don't use their name.
My Dh likes my name & has no problem with it.

I'm also non contact with my dad but that doesn't stop me feeling more like me using his name.
I like the idea of using my mothers or grandmothers names but that's very complicated.....

Good luck with your choice ....

Under the current system in the UK everybody's name is their father's. It only seems to be significant when we're talking about women............

I could take my mother's name but that's still her father's

bertrandrussell I can think of a reason. It's not always a theoretical ideology. My father is a much better man than my children's father and I have his name. But if it were the other way around, I could allow personal reasons to trump an ideology that I otherwise supported. Surely?

I'd a friend years ago who was very close to her mother but her father was a weak flawed man who'd let her down repeatedly. her husband was a totally different kind of character. She didn't get married until her late thirties and she took her husband's name. She would probably be a feminist, but given that the system is stick with your father's name or take your husband's name (and they're both male) I think in your circumstances it makes sense.

But whatever you decide, it'll be fine. I have a different sur name from my children and it's never been a problem. It was the weirdest in the very early years when I was still with their father. Now I'm used to it.

Couldn't you use both names? A friend of mine uses her own surname in her profession (more practical than feminist as she was establishing herself)and socially she uses husbands surname as that's the surname her children are known by

"Because that is what a feminist is all about, being able to have the freedom of choice to call yourself whatever you want."

Among other things, yes. But my question was, why would a feminist choose to do something that was anti feminist? I'm not disputing that she could make that choice. It's the "why" we're talking about.

Exactly HeadDreamer - if you've already got all this stuff trailing behind you, then changing names is a huge sacrifice.

"Which I am sure I will be as always according to you."

Sorry- I have no idea what you mean.

*"You can still be a feminist and be mrshusband

You can. But if you are a feminist, why would you want to be?*

Because that is what a feminist is all about, being able to have the freedom of choice to call yourself whatever you want. Correct me if I'm wrong? Which I am sure I will be as always according to you.

I do not see how surrendering your name to your husband's can ever be a feminist choice.

Actually I don't mind to be collectively called the DHsurname. But it's still my name. It's not about whether children have my name at all. I have a PhD and published papers in my name. Another poster has already mentioned the digital trail (LinkedIn, email address etc). I don't want to put that in the past. Is it really that hard to see how a name is associated with an identity and achievement. I think that's the feminist issue of not changing. Because I'm still who I am after I married. It's not about passing on the surname. The children has to have a name and I don't really care they are mine or their daddies.

However since mine is a foreign name, it might be better for them to have their dad's common English name.

My kids both started out with DP's name (DS1 because it alliterated, DS2 because I thought DS1 would feel left out if I gave DS2 my name). A year later I was having such regret that I spoke to DS1, who didn't care, and changed DS2's name to match mine (and now he alliterates too - if you mis-pronounce my name a bit)

We are the Chunky-Pickles if we need a family descriptor, most people are interested that we did it, and think it's cute (except for the immigration desk at Heathrow who clearly felt we were trouble-makers ;) )

We both double barrelled as we knew we both wanted to have the same name as our children when we had them (we do now).

It's a shame it is viewed as tacky but it was a feminist issue for me. My husband is the only man I actually know who has added his wife's name though- in our social circles the woman seems to always drop her surname

Soo women who have their husbands surname are not really feminist are you only hardcore if you are ms surname, thats a bit silly