Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

Wow. So if you made a choice, for example, to pay a woman employee less than a man that would be a feminist choice? To help your son go to university but not your daughter because "she'll only get married- no point educating girls"? To insist that your dds do housework but not your dss? All feminist choices?

You can't blanket tar people's choices about this as "anti feminist". There are myriad motivations behind what people choose to do. What about if I chose to take my husband's name as I wanted our family to have the same surname and I didn't particularly like my name or feel attached to it?

Many people attach as much importance to a family sharing a surname as you do about NOT sharing one!

Hmm see I don't think there is anything anti-feminist with wanting a family unit to have the same name, for unity and purely for practical reasons!

So is any choice you make a feminist one? Whatever it is?

Yes, because these days I can choose. Years and years ago you had to do this or that.

"No, I didnt go along with convention, I made a choice. I still made a feminist choice. That's the point. We are able to choose these days and that's what I chose."

So is any choice you make a feminist one? Whatever it is?

"So I guess the feminist way of doing things would be to keep your name AND give your children your surname also?"

No- that would be very unfair. it seems to me that the feminist way would be for either both parents to keep their names and either hyphenate or create a new name for the children, or to create a new name for the whole family. I also know people who have one name for the girls and the other for the boys.

*So you didn't think about it deeply- you just went along with convention. Now that really is an anti feminist thing to do!

And before you say anything- please notice that I am not saying you're not a feminist. I'm just saying that on this occasion, as we all do sometimes, you made an anti feminist choice.*

No, I didnt go along with convention, I made a choice. I still made a feminist choice. That's the point. We are able to choose these days and that's what I chose. This isn't about who is the most feminist, that's a bit cringey.

So I guess the feminist way of doing things would be to keep your name AND give your children your surname also?

"But if you are a feminist, why would you want to be?
By that logic, if you are a feminist you HAVE to keep your own name so it removes a woman's choice."

That's why it's too simplistic to say that feminism is just about choice. There are lots of choices a woman could make that would be profoundly anti feminist.

I just think they sound pretentious, and what happens to the next generation? Triple barrelled names?

Why are hyphenated names "naff"?

Children have to have someone's surname- I suppose it would be nicer if it was more socially acceptable for that name to be the mother's but essentially it has to be one or the other, (double barrelled surnames are naff imo).
I want the same name as my children, I wasn't that bothered about keeping my surname so I took my husband's for an easy life, but I can't deny that the act of taking his name is steeped in patriarchy and I really couldn't be arsed with all the raised eyebrows if I insisted on the kids taking mine.

There is nothing to stop you using both names at the same time. You can be both MsHusband and MsMaiden perfectly legally. You do need to decide which one you want to use for passport & driving license but you can have bank accounts and household bills in both. So you can switch back and forth very easily. As long as you don't use different names to attempt to defraud or mislead then there is no problem.

But if you are a feminist, why would you want to be?
By that logic, if you are a feminist you HAVE to keep your own name so it removes a woman's choice.
What surname should children be given then?
I don't think I am anti-feminist to want me, my DH and kids to all have the same surname - we are a family unit.

I didn't change my name when I married and the dc are hisname-myname. We're often, as a family, known by a portmanteau by friends, the first letter of his name and the last three of mine.

However, one thing I don't think anyone has asked, is how the OP's DH feels about the possibility of her changing her name? I know my DH would be worried that I was sickening for something if I wanted to drop my name and change to his. He'd wonder if the principles that in part loves me for were changing. Obviously it isn't his decision, but he is affected by it. OP: might be something to discuss with your DH?

I kept my name when I got married; DH wasn't happy at first, said he wanted us all to have the same name, but when I asked him how he would feel about changing his he went a bit pale and said, "But it's my NAME!" to which I responded, "Well, there you go then! This is MY name." (And it's not my Dad's either...it's mine)

He's now fairly vocal about name changing and whenever his freinds are getting married he advises the female half to keep her own name (I try telling him to shut up and mind his own business, but he means well.)

I know quite a few women who regret changing. I know a few who change when they didn't want to because their new husbands got arsey about it. I tihnk people should do what they want, but because they really want to and it's shouldn't be an unexamined choice.

I've never had the same name as my Mum; she never married my Dad and took my step-dad's later on. I don't have the same name as two of my siblings. It's never been an issue, I am utterly unbothered by it. DS know I have a different name and doesn't seem to to care much.

Why did I give DS his father's name and not mine? Well partly because I didn't really think about it at the time and partly because his is genuinely nicer. His first name is a traditional family name from my side, so I feel like I got my stake in there somewhere. I don't regret doing that, but I do regret not thinking about it properly first.

I can't easily explain but fwiw here are some ramblings...

it wasn't anti-feminist because

I helped myself to a new name. My choice. I wasn't told/made to do it, I wasn't doing what a man said I should.

And maybe, although I have't thought this through:

Getting married gave us both equal legal/financial status. Having matching names indicates we are married and therefore indicates we are of equal status.

But also there is the fact that I did what I wanted to do and don't care what others do, or what they think about it.

"I'm a feminist. DH is a feminist. We got married and I chose to change my name. Because I can. I don't think that's anti-feminist"

Can you explain how it isn't an anti feminist act to give you your own name and take the name of the man you marry? I really don't understand.

Oh, yes, what 5by5 said, but more succintly than me!

I'm a feminist. DH is a feminist. We got married and I chose to change my name. Because I can. I don't think that's anti-feminist.

Funnily enough my married name is v similar to my grandmothers name so I'd always been a 1/4 'Newname' anyway. I do think that prob contributed to me changing to it, because it reminds me of her.

But I'm really not wrapped up in people knowing my achievements etc. I don't have a phd and really my surname is nothing more than a postcode type of function. I still smell as sweet

I sort of see what Bertrand is saying - I don't think it's a feminist act to take your husband's name on marriage. The fact that we can choose whether or not to do so is indeed a triumph of feminism, and I don't think taking the man's name makes you a bad or lesser feminist, but I see it as a bit like shaving my legs (which I do, regularly) or spending more than my husband on clothes and grooming. These things don't make me not a feminist, but they are not feminist acts, despite the fact that I, a feminist, am doing them.

FWIW I kept my name primarily because I'm a lazy sod and couldn't be faffed with changing it on things. Also because I'm the last of my line, so it dies with me and I got a bit romancey about that, despite it being my asshole dad's name anyway. Basically DGAF what anyone does, though I do draw the line at 'Mr and Mrs Husbands-first-name Husbands-second-name' and think less of anyone who pulls that crap on me.

"Wow really thats harsh poor non existing yet dil."

Harsh? To be disappointed?

Wow really thats harsh poor non existing yet dil.

" What would you think of future daughter in laws if they changed their name to your sons ? Would you think they were not truly feminist"

I would think that they were making a non feminist choice and I would be disappointed.