Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

Sorry, that was a bit epic

Everyone I know has changed their name on marriage. I did when I got married in my early twenties. I was so keen to do the whole thing 'properly'. This meant doing everything the way my large extended family would expect including big church wedding and becoming Mrs DHSurname. I was depressingly proud that someone wanted to marry me.

A (ahem) few years later I'm now divorced with one DC and an established career. I've become a feminist and when I started dating again took the revolutionary (to me!) step of thinking about what I would like in a partner rather than being grateful for any attention.

I'm getting married again next year and will not be changing my name. This is definitely causing some raised eyebrows from every single person I know. DP would like me to take his name. He hates that I'm keeping XH's name. Don't think he would object so much if it was my maiden name. But he knows it's not his decision and that his feelings on this are completely rooted in what other people would think and are therefore unreasonable.

I wish I never changed it in the first place (aside from anything else the hassle was unbelievable - never realised how many things had my name on until I wanted to change them).

Since DS was left a baby with no father, no siblings, no cousins no pets I was pleased that he had a mother with the same name- and I got a dog. Luckily he acquired the rest eventually.

It is just the way things are with the bride's mother . I am secure enough to not begrudge that and happy to take second place. You seem to have quoted me very selectively!

I double barrelled my name on getting married. We are in a country where either each keeps their name or we have to pick a marriage/family name and then the other partner, but not both and not the children, gets to double barrel if they want. I did this because I also had a difficult/negative relationship with my parents, but didn't want to be swallowed up completely by dh's family. Also, neither of our names are that attractive on their own but they come together nicely.

I do like my name a lot, but looking back over 15y of marriage so far, I have found it surprisingly hard to be subsumed into dh's identity and family even to this degree. A lot of people tend to leave the second part of the double barrel (mine) off and refer to us as 'the dhsnames'. It bothers me; I feel sort of reduced. Dh did offer to take my name before we were married and tbh I wish I'd taken him up on it.

Of course father's can 'give away' - that was my whole point - there is nothing to read into it. You don't have to do it if you don't like the idea.

Having just had my DS get married I would say the mother of the bride is far more important- not something that worried me- it is just the way things are.

The woman changing their name is the tradition- much easier to manage when researching family history.
Anyway DH was an only child and I have brothers who have children.
DH 1 died in his 20s and so he didn't leave much except a child and his name-I was very pleased that I had taken the name and was a unit with DS.

If you are an independent woman you don't have to concern yourself with trivialities. The most ardent feminists I know are 2 women I know who haven't got their own lives sorted- they need to assert themselves with their own DHs rather than get militant about women in general.

Gosh, Mehitabel, it isn't about begrudging. Each father could walk his child down the aisle if you so wishes.

When you say "everyone knows" the mother of the bride has the important role - I don't believe there's any official role for MOB, is there? If we dig into the routes if why the wedding is thought to be a bigger deal for the bride and her mother than the groom and his, what would you expect to find?

I am sorry your father died before your wedding.

Of course there are alternatives- if you don't have a father you have to think of them!

There are very few father/daughter moments so I can't see why it is begrudged when everyone knows the mother of the bride already has the most important position after the couple.

Sorry for your loss, Mehitabel.

It's not about 'reading too much into things'.

Some people like to question things, and that's a good thing. If we didn't, we'd still be living biblical stylee, and I'm sure none of us want that.

Mehitabel

My father walked me down the aisle in church. It isn't something I gave any thought. TBH it didn't occur to me that there was an alternative.

None of that stops me from observing now that the origin of that tradition was the passing of possession/responsibility from one man to another and that I wouldn't do the same again for that reason. One could still have that lovely moment by both sets of parents walking their children down the aisle.

And wanting the same name as your children / family unit (the reason I eventually changed my name) is absolutely fine. It's just that it's worthy scrutiny as to why it's inevitably the woman who changes their name...

I've taken my husband's name, and I fully accept that it's an anti-feminist choice. I also shave my legs, wear make-up, etc. All things that I engage in, that I can objectively see are undoubtedly anti-feminist.

Trying to ague that 'choosing' to take your husband's name is anything other than anti-feminist is just silly.

People really, really refuse to see the wood for trees over this.

Just because you're making a 'choice', does not mean you're engaging in a feminist act.

People read far too much into things. I would loved to have had my father 'give me away' , sadly he had died. It would have been nothing more than a lovely father/daughter moment. I had left home and been independent for 8 years.

" And I still resent being called "anti feminist" for choosing to take my husband's name for all the reasons I've stated on this thread."

If you're referring to me, I made it very clear on several occasions that I am not saying you are an "anti feminist" I am saying that I think that this particular choice you have made is an anti feminist one. There is a significant difference.

I am not perpetuating being a chattle. I am being a strong woman making my own decision to have the same name as the rest of my family, rather than making a unit with my brother's families.
I am equally able to keep my own- had I wanted to.
I also don't see why I should tell others what to do- it is entirely up to the individual.
Far too many people are ready to make what is the right decision for themselves and then think it is right for all women!
What I do with a name has no bearing on what others do. I changed my name - no big deal- you don't have to change yours and I don't expect you to.

For those of you unhappy with the description of it as an anti feminist choice (and Lemon, you were never described as an anti feminist, BR made that very clear), do you accept that sometimes, between two choices, one is more feminist than the other.

We all prop up the patriarchy to some extent.

Very true, I just made my husband get rid of a massive spider. I am happy with my anti-feminist choice.

I make loads of choices that are either anti-feminist or un-feminist, usually out of either fear or laziness. I wouldn't resent someone calling that what it was when the topic arose. The name thing has always struck me as a bit different though since doing nothing (i.e. not changing your name) is the resistant act. Although perhaps it doesn't feel like nothing if you're surrounded by people who would question that choice.

But, you know. Feminism doesn't live or die on individual women's choices. We all prop up the patriarchy to some extent. Etc.

You only know two women who identify as feminists ??

I only know 2 women who identify as feminists. I don't. I kept my own name.