Taking DH's surname after 8 years of marriage

I know plenty who haven't changed, some who have kept exDH name when married to new DH, some who insist on Ms, some who go back to first name after divorce, even some who just go back to first name after some years and a rethink, those who double barrel it, and even a couple who invented a new one.Also several who completely changed their first name because they hated their parent's choice. I just 'go with the flow' - it is completely up to them- a personal decision.

No - I expect they think, like me, that it is personal choice and none of their business.
I would think it very rude to comment either way.

( However I accept, having read MN, that some people come across rude people all the time who ask why they have no children, why they don't send their children to school etc etc- maybe I am just lucky).

It is only online that people go around telling you what you should do. No one has ever broached it in RL.

Do you mean nobody in real life has said you should have kept your name? Quite a few people have commented that I should have changed mine to my husband's. Quite a few people call me by my husband's name anyway. I haven't been invited to a wedding since I got married but I like to gatecrash and take up Mrs DHname's spot.

I agree that it is a very strange way to think about DDs Mrsjayy - it would never have occurred to me - it is where MN educated me to what so many women actually think. Threads every few months about gender disappointment where someone wanted a girl and didn't get one- joined by many who think the same and just a few posters who refuse to stereotype.

I didn't think BR said anything unpleasant- it is no different to what she a,ways posts.
I can't see that mentioning my experience of militant feminists not sorting their own DHs out is unpleasant. I just resent being told what to do by a woman who can't buy a cheap dress in a sale without asking her DHs permission- or being surprised that I should tell a man he is being silly! She needs to get her own life sorted first.

I haven't a girl but certainly I wouldn't expect a 'best friend for life' or be thinking of her wedding day! I was merely pointing out that that is what happens on MN when women are deeply disappointed not to have a girl.
Since it is going to be 50/50 I think it is mad to even assume a preference.

However I am not going to be mean and difficult 5by5 - if the bride's mother wants 'her' day I am quite happy to say 'that's the way things are'- it doesn't bother me.

I really don't get the calling Amy, Clara post.
People decide on their name and you call them by it. You don't argue about it or get them to justify it.

If I kept my first surname I expect people to use it, if I changed it I expect people to use it.
It is only online that people go around telling you what you should do. No one has ever broached it in RL.

Amelia, how do you know you're not doing it because that's the way things are? That's a genuine question.

If there weren't a long-standing tradition of women changing their names, would it occur to anyone to do so? Why would it?

Is it possible to make a wholly independent choice on this issue and others like it? I'm not sure it is.

I'm getting married soon and I'm changing my name. I'm well aware it's not a feminist choice, but I'm certainly not doing it "because that's the way things are".

And our wedding is definitely about me and DP - my mum hasn't even hinted that it's her 'big day'. She's already had her wedding and this one is all about me and DP.

Then again, this idea that women want daughters because of dresses etc seems nonsense to me. My mum never particularly wanted me (or my sisters) to be in dresses and is at least as close to my brother as she is to me and my sisters. What an odd idea that only daughters would be 'friends for life' with their mums.

I have girls i didnt want pretty dresses and shopping days and a friend for life they are my daughters not my friends and when dd1 gets married its her and her fiances day not mine what a strange way to think about mums and daughters.

Has anyone had any thoughts about the personal/political thing?

Yes- I didn't mention it as it's so obvious! It's a text book example if you wanted to explain the concept.

If you say so, BR.

I agree that the personal is political. Why is it a bigger deal to be the MOB than the MOG? For both mothers, the day symbolises their offspring committing to someone they love, someone that will help make then happy, maybe co parent with them if kids are on the cards etc. Both probably pick an outfit with care. Ultimately the day is about their children, not them. So why a perceived difference?

Well I think in the personal/political things have gone backward since the 1970s. In the 70s women were legally allowed to be paid less, but no-one commented when my boy cousins had "dolls" and pushed them in prams.
In the 90s I got a lot of comments when my DS had a doll in a buggy, but equal pay was supposed to be legislated for.

Lots of women when my DC went to school said how their DH would find it "difficult to have a female boss". Fortunately my DH had no such issue, and has had several despite working in a male dominated area.

I was shocked that of my nieces, who would all describe themselves as "feminist" only one kept her name on marriage, and at least one was urged to by her husband.

Oh, one of those "I don't agree with you" = "you are being unpleasant" situations. Fair enough.

Has anyone had any thoughts about the personal/political thing? It does seem to me to be increasingly important as the legislative bars to women's progress come down.

BR, as I explained above, I think calling this decision anti feminist is too "extreme" and is therefore a little unpleasant. Your mileage varies, obviously.

However, those taking umbrage with you on that should also do so to a greater extent with Mehitabel's language.

"This from you, Mehitabel, is considerably more unpleasant than anything BR has posted"

Excuse me? Can you direct me to my "unpleasant" posts, please?

'It's just the way it is' and 'you're overthinking' and phrases like it are usually shorthand for 'thinking about this makes me uncomfortable and I don't like being uncomfortable.'

And names aren't trivial. If I started deliberately calling you Amy when your real name is Clara, Mehitabel, that would be pretty aggressive of me.

And I did of course mean "root of" not "route if" above. Must not post before coffee!

"If you are an independent woman you don't have to concern yourself with trivialities. The most ardent feminists I know are 2 women I know who haven't got their own lives sorted- they need to assert themselves with their own DHs rather than get militant about women in general."

This from you, Mehitabel, is considerably more unpleasant than anything BR has posted.

I think with DP it stems from insecurity as well. He knows he has a big issue with this (mainly from upbringing) but his first instinct is to think I'm not taking his name because he's not good enough.

He's had counselling for this insecurity before we got together and does realise it's his problem and not something I should be expected to pander to.

Surprising how many share this view though. I get a lot of "well I was PROUD to be married to my husband and wanted to change my name". It's as though I'm basically telling him 'fuck you' because I don't want to change mine.

Try to point out that I think DP and I are both pretty great people and what I'm proud of is that we're committing to marry EACH OTHER. All of which is not improved or diminished by what names we have.

People in my life get very confrontational about this. I am called upon to defend it quite a bit by friends, family and colleagues.

Maybe the question we ought to be asking is whether we think that the personal is political.

It seems to me that one of the reasons that "the patriarchy" still seems to be going strong, despite legislative change is that our society still runs on convention and tradition. So yes, women can technically do or be anything they want to be- but there is the unspoken understanding that they will maintain their traditional role as well. As my brother put it, no woman in the history of the world has ever called dowwnstairs from the bedroom "Darling, have I got any clean pants?" (Extreme, I know- don't all pile in saying well my man doesn't do that. It's the principle).

And all the little things that maintain the status quo. Little "it's just the way it is" things. Like women's names being less important than men's. Like telling boys not to "run like a girl". Like "unisex" usually meaning "like a boy". And so on. Insert triviality of choice. You can find hundreds in AIBU- women tentatively questioning things Nd being told not to "overthink"

I'll back overthinking against underthinking any day!

An individual's decision has nothing to do with anyone, but that shouldn't - and won't - stop people questioning the practice as a whole.

All the women on here who want girls generally want pretty dresses, someone to go shopping with, a best friend for life and a lovely mother of the bride day!
I always point out that having a girl doesn't guarantee any of that! However there will be another thread soon about 'gender disappointment' and you can be sure the disappointment was the boy!

But why can't the bride's mother have her 'big' day? Why change it?
It is a bit mean of me to change things because I am the groom's mother!
If I want to change them, I change them.
DIL has changed her name and she is in her 20s. It was a considered decision. She comes from a long line of strong women- as I do - so had nothing to prove. I really don't see that it has anything to do with me or anyone else what she decides, it was up to her.