Demanding job

My DH isn't perfect by any stretch and does a fair bit less than me, especially things like school and health admin, but he does more than the other men we know, so people sometimes say things like "you're really lucky".

Being blind is a genuine excuse to some degree I guess!

I am fed up with regular conversations in RL with both SAHMs and WOHM friends who do either pretty much everything or much, much more than their partners. I think they really think that if they tried to address it this it would risk the end of the relationship and this would be their fault for"expecting too much". I generally say nothing because there's no point but it's so depressing.

I think socialisation is a massive part of it. My partner knows it's his job to unload the dishwasher every morning. He knows - but he still frequently forgets. Which is fine when he's home, but when he isn't and u have to do it before I can start cooking it gives me the absolute rage. Women don't just forget about domestic stuff - we've been socialised to believe it's not only important but also interesting, so we automatically devote mental energy to it in a way men don't.

He doesn't see mess as his responsibilty is what I always hear that phrase as!

I totally agree with this.

'He doesn't see mess' is possibly the most irritating of all the irritating excuses/justifications I see from posters on here.

"Men are much better at getting their down-time. I think it's just how they are wired."

I don't think they are wired to the sofa. I think many men are socialised to think that looking after themselves is their job, and looking after everything else is a woman's job. So if they themselves are clothed and contented, they are then free to sit on the sofa and gawp at the paper or out the window.

Chunkypickle, it is hard with kids that age. mine are 8 and 10, and I enjoy them so much more now.

Don't wait untill your house is finished, get a cleaner now. The house might never get finished. The cleaner will not mind, we are all human. I was a cleaner when I was a student, and people get a cleaner because they need one, not because their house is finished or they have no dirt/mess.

I just mean the 30 min as a principle. If you don't take your down-time, you will end up as stressed as I did - I wish I had started taking my down-time earlier, rather than grinding myself into a deep stress-hole. This is not how I want my kids to remember me, stressed and shouty. They will not remember how clean/dirty it was, they will remember what mood I was in -good or bad.

It's hard to have 30 mins of real downtime when in charge of a 4 and a 2 year old. There's not even a nap time there anymore.....

It's all very well saying that I got to go out for coffee, or make cakes, or sit in the garden, but I got to do all of those things whilst wrangling 2 kids - it's the opposite of relaxing (or my nanny wouldn't get 12 quid an hour for it).

Yes, a 14 hour shift is exhausting, so is 14 hours of kids, you both need a rest. I bet that you don't object to taking your own cup to the kitchen and putting it in the dishwasher Grays, even if you wouldn't want to cook dinner.

All I ask is that both grown adults look after their own stuff enough that neither feels like they're doing everything - is that really too much?

I'm just holding out for finishing the house enough that I can get a cleaner, and the kids getting just that little bit older so they don't want to spend all their time playing with me/needing supervision.

Baring in mind with my shifts I'll only work 3-4 days a week. So on my off days I'm willing to do everything as he does when I'm at work.

So if I'm working a long day, I'll only be home around 9. Bedtime is done so I can't do that. He'll either have something made for me (in which case I'll wash up) or I'll do something quick., I have a shower and we both relax. There's nothing for me to do.

It's a good job really because sometimes when I come in I can barely walk.

Agree entirely.

As soon as I see it written I disregard "demanding" and just think "job", and carry on.

I don't think there is a solution to this. My DH is blind, so he does have an excuse, but if he could see, he wouldn't have an excuse. I know it sounds harsh, but I am so overwhelmed and overburdened all the time. Obviously I don't tell him off for being blind ;)

Anyway, I feel your pain, OP and other posters! I look at my DS, and he's so lazy, but he so young that he doesn't really understand that daddy doesn't do much around the house because he can't see. He still copies him! It does make me wonder how anything is going to change unless our sons have role models ie. dads who share the housework.

Men are much better at getting their down-time. I think it's just how they are wired. Women have to work at it. They say that marriage is better for men than for women.

Women, you need take your down-time! No one is going to give it to you. Allocate your time. After 30 min of housework, have 30 min of down-time. You need to be good role models for your daughters. Think of the really big picture!

I'm the one with 'Demanding Job' and my DP is excellent and knows that after a 14 hour shift running around the hospital I need more rest and haven't got the energy to cook clean and do bedtime.

FFS, not Feds. It's not so bad I'll get the law on him. Yet.

Oh God I hate this. My relationship with DP is great, we have no children and both work from home about 50% of the time. He GENUINELY means and wants to do his share, but he still expects/needs me to manage him. Asking me what he should cook when it's his turn - Feds, I don't just want to not have to cook, I want to not have to think about it. And the other day he did an online shopping order with all sorts of random shit on it that we never buy and didn't need - I was like, "but you live here, how can you not know this?" And then felt guilty for being a shrew. And as I say, this is a man who isn't being passive aggressive about it, who genuinely believes it's not my job etc. So many men don't give a shit if the situation is unfair and their wife is a drudge.

I've gone a bit OT, sorry

My DH works rather long hours but I would never dream of excusing him from contributing to household chores because I find that my well-being is just as important as his

Just because you may be the one with the higher paid demanding job shouldn't mean that this automatically trumps or makes the other person's needs lesser. I think there is still a mind-set and conditioning for woman to expect housework to be mostly their responsibility because of a partner's 'demanding' job.

It's on my MN Bingo card that one. Along with the following:

Demanding job
High Stress
Long hours
Let's me stay at home
He'd only do it wrong any way
Just ask him
Can be lovely
Everybody thinks he's great
He's just not very good at
He doesn't see mess

Oh God 'just write him a list'

I HATE that one. Who bloody writes my list!

Yes Basil - they are being idle by consent (I'm guilty of this too).

I have a job which earns as much as DPs, yet I do the vast majority of everything else, including all paperwork and DIY. We've had talks and he is fully aware that we are together by consent only, just because I rather like him, and that he has no hold on me to stay with him, and that love can be worn down by disrespect.

I'm in this position both by luck, and by dint of sheer obstinacy and hard work. I kept up my skills by working on free projects and freelancing when home looking after the kids, and as a result am actually in a stronger position job-wise than before them - but so many people aren't in this position - both my sisters for one (two).

Women who give up their job entirely to be SAHMs are very brave - it's a lot to gamble.

It's depressing how much apologism for these men there is from women posters, lots of moaning about "what're men like eh?" and antagonism towards posters challenging it. In RL too. urgh.

I had a meeting recently with a man had never met before with a baby of a few months. Desk job. He mentioned he was tired but that his wife was now doing all the nights because of his "demanding job". My boss and I couldn't help scoffing! And then He looked quite hurt, poor flower.

Wholeheartedly agree. I eye roll every time I read it on here. I believe my job is more demanding than dh's but I still make the dinner. Dh probably does a smidge more than 50% of all that running a house entails but only a smidge.