Just a bit of a question not a judgement about the boards

Well, clearly it's pointless me replying here, fallen. Or I'm invisible.

Enjoy the bunfighting.

I don't understand what you are actually complaining about

I worry about the LTB comments sometimes actually, if someone's in an abusive relationship they're at their most vulnerable when they leave so it's really not that simple. There are generally lots of comments directing the poster to appropriate support services though so hopefully those posters do go on to get helpful advice.
One comment that crops up repeatedly and annoys me from a feminist POV is that it's only on MN that boys play with dolls and wear princess dresses - that in RL they're all far too macho. IME most (young) boys do both given half a chance!

They are almost always blunt about their partner or the relationship, rather than the woman requiring help. There is some victim blaming but it doesn't often come from the regulars.

Women are allowed to get it wrong in their support of women. They are also allowed to be blunt and insistence. We just aren't used to it.

And the posters who do say LTB and pretty much leave it at that (and I can't think of any - almost all at least get the OP to question their partner and their relationship) are not actually wrong. It is a damn sight better advice than what most of them get in RL.

On another Feminism Chat thread, I wrote this: Supporting one another is in itself a revolt against patriarchy.

Likewise, attacking other women, especially women who are desperate for help, really is siding with the patriarchy. It is also misogyny.

I get that, from this thread, posters think "bluntness" is a heavenly virtue. Not everyone would agree with that, although it is true that some women possess bluntness in abundance and see nothing whatsoever wrong with it, regardless of the circumstances - eg a woman in distress.

No Fallen, you are misrepresenting overall what happens and picking on a few unnamed posters for your own agenda. Which is a bit shitty.

I absolutely agree with Basil and Jeanne too. It is much needed. Too often women are encouraged to stay in bad relationships. It is countering the misogyny.

Simply inserting the word "feminist" into repeated sentences that are simply slagging off the relationships board in general and relationships posters specifically doesn't make this thread any better than all the other "MN'ers, you are doing this wrong and here I am to tell you how to do it right" goady threads

YY ... because in RL, you are likely to hear 'oh ... it's such a shame you and he are going through a bad patch!' or 'I'm so sorry you're thinking about leaving, really?!'

And then, later, 'well, I always thought he was bad for you'.

I agree with Jeanne

I think there is such a strong taboo about criticising other people's marriages or even offering advice - even when it's asked for - in RL that to have a space here where people say what they honestly think, is incredibly valuable and useful tbh.

No one thinks "LTB" means the poster is going to pack her bag as soon as she closes the laptop.

But a long line of women pointing out that actually, realistically, this relationship is highly unlikely ever to be decent, reasonable and good and therefore in the end is going to have to end, is something many people will never hear from their RL friends and they need to hear it here - almost as a first step to giving them permission to even imagine that it might be possible.

fallen - yeah, but it's swings and roundabouts, I think.

One poster will rail against the people who say 'LTB', but another needs to hear it.

Personally, I didn't find gentle, considered 'hmm, have you considered couples' counselling, and then, the paperwork, and also, perhaps, a week with a friend before you come to a decision ...' kind of advice worked for me. I don't know why. Because, obviously, you have to do at least some of those things. And when I did 'leave', it took me a good few weeks to move out.

But it was people being quite blunt and common-sense about it that actually made me think, ok, I can do this and it will work out.

People are different in how they need to hear the same messages.

But people don't just say LTB. They give reasons why he isn't going to change; name the problem; move the OPs Overton window; advise on what to do next; agencies to contact; emotional support and lots and lots of empathy.

You are reducing and dismissing what happens on the Relationship board down to LTB. That's pretty misogynistic right there.

You're going to have to give several specific examples.

*best

its the clique mentality, you get it in the playground, work place, internet...the less high traffic forums ive noticed are less,..pitbull with a shoe, like b&d , etc .. I think relationships is probably support wise the bed board there is.

Cross posts. That makes more sense. Yes, I think that advice given here too often is in the realm of saying, rather than doing. In real life things are difficult, complex, nuanced, and slow transformation plays more of a role than people can acknowledge in this type of forum, where threads typically blow up and die in a few days.

I still don't detect the misogynistic quality - unless you are arguing (and it would be fair) that women arguably have less freedom to enact the type of advice given here than men do?

fallen - I dunno, do you think LTB is that bad?

I think it has to do with personality. I did LTB (though he wasn't a bastard, just not right for me), and it was good to have someone who wasn't emotionally invested to tell me it looked simple from where they were.

I feel the same on here often. It's not that I think it's easy to get rid of my own ingrained misogyny, but we can all call each other out, and discuss it, and gradually it becomes easier.

Your post is so jumbled it belies any sensible response.

But if you want to make a judgement, please feel free to just do it. Noone is fooled by needs the prancing around it.

Can you distinguish women being extremely blunt, and even very rude to each other, from misogyny? There are various tropes here, real or imagined - LTB is one - but I don't detect misogyny.

If you think that posters are giving wrong advice, then you need to take it up in the specific threads where it's happening.

I've posted that, pretty much word for word, on a number of recent threads in which there is general slagging off of MNetters (and relationship advice in particular).

No amount of TAATs will ever be an adequate substitute for posting what you think is better advice on the actual threads themselves.