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Original poster

"If I could I would slap her"

136 replies

FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 18:44

Title says it all really, comment said by a young guy to me (relayed by my sister).

For context, I made an ill-advised trip to visit my sister recently who's in her final year at a very academic uni. They start final exams late next week and everyone is naturally very stressed. I came over to deliver a food/treats parcel to her and then was going to head home straightaway (only 40 min train journey). Unfortunately she flipped when she saw me and got very angry that I was distracting her (can see how it came across that way but not my intention).

Anyway, to cut a long story short I went back to her room in college accommodation (walls paper thin) and we had a small argument about this. It was late at night (think 12-1) and she was a bit physically aggressive and I shouted at her and called her names. Unfortuantely, people heard me shout which I truly regret and someone knocked on her door to complain. Again I really regret this.

She has forgiven me, and I ended up moving to a hotel for the night. Unfortunately the male "friend" of hers who knocked on the door (also a finalist) told her this morning that he was very angry about the incident. He would have heard some shouting and me howling (awkward) which I am really sorry for. I did leave before 2 in the morn though so it would have been a few mins of disruption between say 1-2am. He told her that if he could meet me/see me now (i.e. Sat morning) he would slap me!

This is a pretty misogynistic insult no?? He had time to cool off about things this morn and to threaten physical violence (slapping) anyone is pretty disgusting. I find it intersting that his specific choice of dealing with the incident would be "slapping" too... Ironically, he is in his final year doing Law...

OP posts:
Momagain1 · 16/05/2015 19:18

He was NOT saying this about you as a woman, but as a random and major annoyance at a stressful time.

Momagain1 · 16/05/2015 19:17

Well I guess I just feel that if I were a man he would not threaten to slap me. Perhaps not misogynistic per se but still pretty focused on the "hysterical woman who needs a good slap to calm down" stereotype. What am I, an errant child who needs to be disciplined?! Just feel like it's not on!

You have no idea whether he would have said he wanted to slap you if you were a guy though. He might well have. Or maybe a slightly different threat, like a punch or something. So, we cant really say it is mysogynistic. He was saying this about you as a woman, but as ra random and major annoyance at a stressful time.

I think he was just plain irritated, and no wonder. Who shows up at that time of night, unexpectedly, with or without presents, especially during a stressful time? And evidently, with hopes of a place to sleep, even though you could afford a hotel when you had to. Please make a note reminding yourself about what a stupid idea this was, so you dont end up featuring in a 'bizarre things my MIL does' thread 30 years from now.

popalot · 16/05/2015 19:16

Sisters have a special knack of winding each other up the wrong way, it's just this time it happened in her halls and would have disturbed some stressed out people's sleep. I would take it on the chin. He doesn't know you and you are not likely to meet him again. Your sister probably told you to help prevent it happening again. Next time don't stay over....forgive and forget x

youarekiddingme · 16/05/2015 19:15

what? You made a 1.5 hr round trip to deliver your sister a food parcel during a stressful time, she flipped at you, argued with you (so equally as culpable) and everyone thinks your in the wrong?

Either I'm reading a completely different OP or stepped into a parallel universe?

Personally I wouldn't be doing your sister any more favours. It really wouldn't have destroyed her exam results by saying a quick thanks, saying she's too busy to chat and could you leave parcel there or in her room and she'll call you.

YonicScrewdriver · 16/05/2015 19:14

"ok fair enough i deserved a slap or punch. i do admit i was in the wrong."

You were both in the wrong for shouting in the middle of the night. Neither of you deserved a slap or punch and if said guy had walked in on the row and slapped you, that would have been unacceptable.

Baddz · 16/05/2015 19:13

Jesus.
Not one person in this scenario comes out well.
You sound rude, aggressive and inconsiderate.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:13

thetruth, thanks for your input but thats a very personal comment. i can appreciate that perhaps i came across like that but im not at all. can i ask why you believe that i do lead my life in a way that " makes everything all about me "? :s

OP posts:
YonicScrewdriver · 16/05/2015 19:12

"I would (n)ever say this to someone but admittedly he is under pressure."

He didn't say it to you though - he said it to a third party after the event.

Agree with the others, I don't see this as sexist.

Hope you and your sister make up soon.

Thetruthshallmakeyefret · 16/05/2015 19:11

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

BuggersMuddle · 16/05/2015 19:11

You all sound wired to the bloody moon tbh. Highly academic / competitive types shouting and getting physical in the middle of the night Confused

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:10

thank you fenella, yes i do feel bad and ashamed that i put her in what was obviously a difficult position. also feel bad towards other people on the corridor. i honestly do, the last thing i want to do is make their lives harder

im just speaking as someone who is not very plain speaking myself and really objected to his choice of phrasing especially when he has never met me. im not a horrible person at all, but i made a mistake. think i need to get over it dont i, and learn a lesson from this.

on reflection i can see how this isnt really a feminist issue, sorry all.

a bit upset if im honest at some of the personal comments (eg " you sound awful ") on this thread but maybe I need to grow a pair!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/05/2015 19:10

Just to clarify I wasn't suggesting he was right to threaten you. That's not nice at all.

What I meant was threatening to slap you didn't make him a misogynist.

PannaDoll · 16/05/2015 19:09

I think you are skipping a lot of what happened between 'I arrived late and unannounced with a parcel knowing it was a stressful time' to 'she gripped my arm'. It read to me like you planned to stay there as you had to get a hotel room after arguing and disturbing a whole slew of other people into the small hours. Was alcohol involved in the decision making process?

FenellaFellorick · 16/05/2015 19:07

XPost.
That was out of order of her.
Next time just turn round and walk away.

gamerchick · 16/05/2015 19:07

It's one of those rare occasions I want to read your sisters side. my guts seem to be saying there's a big chunk missing.

Just store it away that evenings are too late to turn up unannounced and you're sorted.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:07

lettuce, no of course not < head tilt >

ok fair enough i deserved a slap or punch. i do admit i was in the wrong.

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/05/2015 19:06

We are clearly on the same wavelength lettuce

FenellaFellorick · 16/05/2015 19:05

It was a lovely idea. It was. Your heart was in the right place but clearly your timing was off.
I bet when shes less stressed she will likely feel awful about how she treated You.
You should have just left, not stayed arguing with her into the early hours of the morning. What was the point of that? At a time when you can clearly see how stressed she is?
It'll blow over no doubt. I imagine she will feel awful about flipping. It'll be the pressure and you just copped it.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:05

i really was trying to help her out. absolutely understand that it was stupid on my part though. just dont feel deserving of that choice of wording though! fair enough, happy to be told im wrong though.

sorry if my first post was too blunt.

can i add that argument came about due to her physically gripping my arm hard enough to cause bruising and make me cry out in pain. again i do admit that i was in the wrong for visiting in first place

OP posts:
LettuceLaughton · 16/05/2015 19:04

Well, I suppose it is typically "I'm going to slap her" / "I'm going to punch him".

Would you feel Better if he'd threatened to punch you?

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:02

really panna? :s

OP posts:
Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:02

sorry that should read " I would never say this to someone "

OP posts:
PannaDoll · 16/05/2015 19:02

I'm pissed off and want to slap you just reading this.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:01

Koala, yes I can see that now. Sorry I was just reeling a bit but clearly i was in the wrong anyway! Happy to be corrected. I would ever say this to someone but admittedly he is under pressure. I was under the same pressure a couple of years back so I can absolutely empathise. Honestly thought i was doing her a good turn. It spectacularly backfied and thats my fault!

OP posts:
PurpleDaisies · 16/05/2015 19:00

Well I guess I just feel that if I were a man he would not threaten to slap me.

He would most likely threatened to have punched you. Would that have been better? It is a bit of a stretch to turn that into a misogynist insult.