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Original poster

"If I could I would slap her"

136 replies

FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 18:44

Title says it all really, comment said by a young guy to me (relayed by my sister).

For context, I made an ill-advised trip to visit my sister recently who's in her final year at a very academic uni. They start final exams late next week and everyone is naturally very stressed. I came over to deliver a food/treats parcel to her and then was going to head home straightaway (only 40 min train journey). Unfortunately she flipped when she saw me and got very angry that I was distracting her (can see how it came across that way but not my intention).

Anyway, to cut a long story short I went back to her room in college accommodation (walls paper thin) and we had a small argument about this. It was late at night (think 12-1) and she was a bit physically aggressive and I shouted at her and called her names. Unfortuantely, people heard me shout which I truly regret and someone knocked on her door to complain. Again I really regret this.

She has forgiven me, and I ended up moving to a hotel for the night. Unfortunately the male "friend" of hers who knocked on the door (also a finalist) told her this morning that he was very angry about the incident. He would have heard some shouting and me howling (awkward) which I am really sorry for. I did leave before 2 in the morn though so it would have been a few mins of disruption between say 1-2am. He told her that if he could meet me/see me now (i.e. Sat morning) he would slap me!

This is a pretty misogynistic insult no?? He had time to cool off about things this morn and to threaten physical violence (slapping) anyone is pretty disgusting. I find it intersting that his specific choice of dealing with the incident would be "slapping" too... Ironically, he is in his final year doing Law...

OP posts:
AskBasil · 16/05/2015 20:06

I don't think men threaten to punch other men FWIW

They're all too aware of how violent other men are and how that could turn out bad for them. Unless you lot know really violent men who are always doing that, it sounds unlikely to me so actually it could be misogynistic, but without knowing the bloke it's not automatically so, maybe he threatens to slap everyone when he's pissed off and stressed. If so, he'd better hope he doesn't threaten someone willing to take it up with him, there are lots of violent men around who would get on a train in order to demand satisfaction for that sort of remark.

I think you fucked up and your sister was awful. She should have let you go and get the last train as you were planning instead of insisting on you staying and then festering about how annoyed she was.

No-one comes out of it well, but I just wanted to say that I believe you as like you, I don't know why someone anonymous would have a motive to lie to randoms on the internet. Oh sorry, I'm forgetting, women just lie about everything don't they, even when they're anonymous and no-one knows them and there's no particular benefit to them lying. We just can't help it can we. Hmm

youarekiddingme · 16/05/2015 19:52

Exactly Baddz I'm glad you share the same opinion as me.

The responses here have baffled me somewhat.

Baddz · 16/05/2015 19:46

It's odd.
Why is this all your fault?
As I said in my first post....your sister does not come out of this well either!
Perhaps learn and take note from this.
Don't surprise her again.
Don't let her physically hurt you.
Don't get into heated arguments which disturb others.
Sometimes with family, you just cannot win I'm afraid.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:43

queen - yeah youre absolutely right! thanks :)

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Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:42

Youare - thanks again for this, kind of you to say that. in fairness to her, she has just sent me a long explanation (unasked for) saying how sorry she is and we did have a 5 min chat about things this morn to clear the air. ive told her the key thing now is exams (well obviously she knows) but that she shouldnt worry about me, and obviously will ever be pulling a stunt like this again ! thanks though Flowers

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QueenBean · 16/05/2015 19:41

Frustrated I just mean that if you've worded your op a bit more evenly, with less chat about the level of drama, then other posters wouldn't get bogged down in offering personal opinions about you and the situation that you haven't asked for advice for

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:40

Baddz, just seen last post, yes I think I have finally grasped that now. Many thanks though...

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NeedAScarfForMyGiraffe · 16/05/2015 19:40

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:39

Gosh baddz, care to say it one more time !! Yes I understand completely how my actions came across like that ! But it wasnt my intention, can you appreciate that ? We didnt have a drunken hysterical argument as some seem to think, it was a few hissed words and sounds as she hurt my arm ! How am I aggressive? And rude ?? Inconsiderate yes I can understand in light of the incident but I think you are being a little unfair

I do absolutely shoulder the blame for what happened and am keen to make amends ! That was why I instantly left the building, I didnt want to make it any worse for anyone there ! Can you see that ???? As soon as her door was knocked on, I left.

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youarekiddingme · 16/05/2015 19:36

No it's not fair that you are totally blaming yourself. You arranged a nice treat for your sister at your own expense and your letting her and a bunch of strangers beat you up over it.

If she's highly stressed then I'd accept a "now is really not a great time. Please dont just turn up." Etc then an apology text/ call when she's less stress apologising for allowing her stress to treat you badly.

What you did you did out of love - I really wouldn't bother in future.

Baddz · 16/05/2015 19:36

to answer your question....
No it's not a feminist issue!

Baddz · 16/05/2015 19:34

Your sister is stressed and busy. You know this. You still go and see her unannounced.
You then proceed to loudly fight with her and wake her neighbours at 1-2 am.
I repeat...you are rude, aggressive and inconsiderate.
I assume her neighbours have exams to revise for too?

YonicScrewdriver · 16/05/2015 19:34

Glad you have made up. I'd give it some time after the exams and have a chat about what happened as it sounds like it's worth talking through properly.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:34

oh right queen, can I ask (not being disingenuous) what would have best way of approaching it ? I guess not making it a feminist issue Blush sorry i am still reeling a bit because no-ones ever said taht to me before! but yes i probs should have said things differently. at the very least i can now appreciate why it wasn't gender-based, sorry all!

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Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:32

Panna, yeah fair enough. She was obviously wound up by the fact i was using my phone when she was trying to sleep (i was as quiet as poss) but i didnt appreciate the physical force ! i was in the wrong anyway, perhaps her side of the story would read differently, i guess there are 2 sides to everything :)

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QueenBean · 16/05/2015 19:32

You've done the wrong thing in posting all that history and then asking if the context of the quote was sexist / misogynistic. That's why you've got everyone piling in now and judging you based on the story.

Fwiw, the comment he made is in no way misogynistic.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:30

Youare - thanks for support, its reassuring that someone doesnt think im a complete bitch!!! I honestly feel bad about it today and you lot have made me see things in that light so thanks, i obviously did do more harm than good.

We do have a relationship which goes up and down, but admittedly shes under huge huge stress right now and cant think straight. I wish i hadnt done this really! She does have an element of that to her personality (ie being close to me on her terms) but in this situation i guess i should give her the benefit of the doubt! its only fair

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PannaDoll · 16/05/2015 19:29

It's an odd one for sure. Would love to hear her side of the story :-)

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:27

Panna, sorry but why would I lie on a thread of anonymous strangers ! I have already come out badly as it is ! Shes a decent person and obviously felt worried about me wandering the streets late at night to get back to train station. This is clearly where my plan was poorly thought out. Booze didn't come into at all, sorry to disappoint, I was stone cold sober - perhaps that makes it worse?

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youarekiddingme · 16/05/2015 19:27

So you did what your sister asked - sent parcel.
She refused to let you get train and invited/ told you to stay.
She assaulted you over a phone light.

And you are still thinking its your fault.

Sounds me to me like your only close to your sister on her terms.

I have a sister like this. It's not worth the stress - believe me.

PannaDoll · 16/05/2015 19:24

Sorry but I don't believe she asked or begged you to stay if she was annoyed by your presence there and if you had of turned the phone off, handed it over, she wouldn't have exploded and tried to snatch it. Still sounds like you needed s crash pad after a booze up to me. Colour me cynical.

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:24

Thanks youarekiddingme, yes im happy to see why other people think Im in the wrong and will learn from this but you have summed up my original POV perfectly. That was my intention. Im very very happy to give my sis the benefit of the doubt here though so admit guilt. I feel terrible today. We have a tumultuous relationship at the best of times so Im not sure why I thought something like this would go down well.

I am hurt and shocked (but perhaps deserving?) of comments like that from Baddz. I sound " rude, aggressive and inconsiderate ", really? :s

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Duckdeamon · 16/05/2015 19:23

Don't think his comment or the possible sexism of it is the main issue (although unpleasant and embarrassing) sounds like things went badly awry with your kindly-intended plan and your sister and that it'd be good to try to sort things with her once the dust has settled!

I can imagine how, if in a state, she might have felt pressured to spend unexpected time with you when she had study/stressing to do and/or guilty about not feeling able to, but it came out as anger.

Baddz · 16/05/2015 19:21

Your sister behaved badly too.
I hope you got an apology too?

Original poster
FrustratedFeminist · 16/05/2015 19:20

Yonic, fine yes I am able to see that now.

For those requiring more context, Im happy to give it but wanted to keep first post succint. I am very close to my sister who is going through a very difficult time at uni with exams. She has requested a parcel of her fave things for a while now. I packed these up together (expensive chocs, really nice ready meals, cards, little notes to brighten her day) and decided to courier them over personally because they wouldn't travel well. Intention was to have 5 mins with her as it was a fri night and then head back home.

She got very very angry when she saw me and refused to let me take the last train home as it would be too dangerous. I agree to stay on her floor quietly and not disturb. She was fine with his.

all well until about 1 in morn (4 hours after i got there, things had calmed down) and argument started over fact my phone light was on (yes boring but here is context!). She confiscated my phone and gripped my arm tightly using physical force until I gave it to her. What people on corridor would have heard was me whimpering and getting angry at her.

I did realise I was being incredibly unfair and at this point left to go to hotel. I am sorry for anyone who thinks I dont realise injustice my behaviour! I really truly am sorry. We met up this morn for five mins and made up.

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