"If I could I would slap her"

What I find a bit on all of this is that your sister would tell you that this man had said he wanted to slap you.

i think lass is fantastic personally

You are trying to conflate an everyday off the cuff used by men and women in a hyperbolic sense with no intent to carry it through as victimisation. You weren't even there.

It has nothing to do with everyday sexism. Ive said it about people who annoy me, other posters have too.

Saying that you can't care about low level everyday sexism when there are bigger issues is a common argument used by mysoginists

And I note that despite having the word "feminist " in your name you haven't commented on the thread about the Paraguayan rape victim. The idea that you have been a victim of sexism/misogyny is laughable.

You turned a situation where you were in the wrong into one where using a spurious claim that his actions were misogynistic and threatening to you (when you weren't even present).You were hoping to engineer a sympathy vote and didn't get it.

You are still trying to minimise your behaviour because it really wasn't that bad due to it being the week-end.

Yes I'm sure the other students whose sleep was interrupted just didn't understand how kind and generous OP was.

It is a massive over-exaggeration to turn a flippant remark not even said in OP's presence into a threat of violence

I agree Blistory.

Sorry you've had such a hard time on here OP. A lot of these responses seem to be a massive over-reaction to your act of kindness gone wrong.

I do feel that we're only getting one side of the story here.

Sister's side: I'm flat out revising for my final exams. I'm really, really stressed about the amount of work I've got to do and how little time I've got to do it. Everyone around me is pretty stressed and revising hard too. We're all getting on each other's nerves a bit but trying to keep calm and just get through it.

I was just getting some essential work done, and had then had an early night planned when suddenly my sister, who lives several miles away, turns up at 9pm unannounced and uninvited. I just don't understand why she couldn't call first to check whether it was a good time as it really, really wasn't. She brought me some gifts, which was lovely of her, but I don't understand why she couldn't have posted these or called to find out when I was free to see her.

I was so frustrated because I am very fond of her, and she was trying to be kind, but I really couldn't afford to spend time entertaining her. I felt guilty because she'd come all that way on the train and I didn't like the idea of her travelling back late at night so I gave up on revision for the night and suggested she stayed, asking her to be quiet both for my sake and the sake of the other students. The walls are very thin in my halls.

She was such a pain. Despite me really needing an early night she was still on her phone at 1am keeping me awake. I'm afraid at that point I just snapped and tried to grab the phone and we started arguing. We woke up all the people in the corridor and the guy next door is furious because he was woken up and has a really important exam today.

My sister eventually stormed off to sleep in an hotel leaving me to deal with a corridor full of angry students who now won't speak to me. I'm even more behind with my work, twice as stressed and non of my friends are speaking to me. AIBU to be cross with my sister?

As a woman, you shouldn't be put in a position where you have to consider whether it was a real threat or not.

she wasn't. He didn't say it to her directly, or even in her presence, or even on the same evening by the sounds of it, but in a post-motem conversation of it with her sister after she had already left. I was nothing more than a flippant irritated rant. Any fool can see that.

I agree that the sister stuff is fairly irrelevant in the context of your question.

Essentially you did something that irritated a young man and he choose to use this to refer to violence to women. It doesn't matter whether he meant it or not. As a woman, you shouldn't be put in a position where you have to consider whether it was a real threat or not. Men need to be more careful and understand the impact of casual language and how it continues to perpetuate myths and stereotypes and contributes to a culture of fear.

Threatening violence against women whether intended for their ears or otherwise, whether jokingly or otherwise is not acceptable.

oh ok sorry should have read further down the thread, see the OP has accepted that she was being a bit precious!

Gawd, what a load of stupid fuss over nothing - are you and your sister always this difficult to get along with? Why did she flip when you turned up at 9pm? Was she not expecting you? Had she specifically requested that you didn't come at that time, or on that night, or at all? I'm sure there is more to this than meets the eye…

You do sound as though you behaved like an hysterical woman (not that only women behave in a hysterical manner of course, but in this case you are indeed a woman) or like an errant child to be honest - it sounds like you both behaved appallingly and someone somewhere needed a slap….

Look, it was just a figure of speech spoken in frustration because you behaved badly and he was disturbed by it, and by seeing your sister upset. If someone was shouting and arguing outside my bedroom door in the early hours of the morning during one of the most stressful weeks of my life I might rant about wanting to slap them too. Doesn't mean I'd have any real intention of doing it. Get over yourself.

It is a turn of phrase exactly as paxtecum said

OP behaved very badly, caused inconvenience and disturbance to several people (and I doubt we got the full story) but somehow managed to twist it into a "feminist" issue and feel hard done by.

It was a nasty thing for that man to have so said. A man should not contemplate violence towards a woman (or another man come to think of it) . I think it is a feminist issue as it is a man contemplating violence towards a woman. Can understand you sister's frustration as she did not want the distraction of your visit. Also you should have switched the phone off when she asked. However I appreciate you were trying to support her and you had made a lot of effort. Shame things went badly.

This is the first thread on Mumsnet I've seen where the OP holds their hands up and says that they were in the wrong, responds politely to personal comments and still gets slated.

Good intentions gone awry OP. No it wasn't misogyny, yes you and your sister were out of order and it might be an idea to phone ahead next time. But you've figured that out already so all's well that ends well.

My first impression is that there is a lot more back story.

But regarding the retro-conditional threat I don't think it's sexist in that he might have said it about a man but it is in the way a woman would be less likely to say it about a man, because she doesn't have the comfort of knowing that she wouldn't get a flooring back...but I'm being picky there.

...on a slight tangent I've often heard the "if she weren't a woman I'd punch her" which is all kinds of sexism rolled into one: benevolent, protective yet incredibly hostile with a good dose of putting the woman in her place by pointing out that men give us our freedom..

But seeing as that isn't what was said here, I think you're best to focus on why your relationship with your sister is so volatile.

Good luck

At work I have to talk to several difficult clients on the phone. I'm very polite to them, but sometimes when the phone is safely on it's base I have been known to say that I want to punch them.
It is a turn of phrase.
I don't even imagine punching them.
I have never punched anyone.
I am very anti violence.
But sometimes I say ' I want to punch them'.
Stop thinking about what the he said.
Do you honestly think that if he had seen you 12 hours later he would have slapped you?