Being told to smile more at work

Thank you beaky. You've expressed exactly what i've been struggling to!

In the same feedback, I was told to start thinking and behaving more like other leaders in our company in order to succeed. All the examples given were men. I was essentially told to abandon any "feminine" traits for "male" ones.

I'm paraphrasing but as you've said on one hand, I'm too sweet and need to give up any sense of decency and being too kind (!) but on the other don't become a cold hearted bitch and smile more.

0x530 my comment came across badly. What I meant was that the immediate responses were assumptions that this was about a customer facing role. Yes in some customer facing role not smiling wouldn't be appropriate and I would expect a manager to discuss this with a member of staff.

However, this isn't my situation. I should have clarified and given more information.

Several of us at the same level have received feedback over the last week or so. From various conversations with my peers, I'm the only one who has been told that I'm doing an excellent job, exceeding expectations, no immediate development needs etc.

But I'm also the only one where the smile more comment was made. And the only woman.

It does smack of sexism to me.

Of course it's sexist - it's the classic double bind for women, if we are competent then we're not nice enough (cold calculating bitch ...) but if we're nice then we must be incompetent (she's very sweet, but ... ) There is a ridiculously narrow window to get it 'right' and men never have to walk this tightrope.

I'm not sure of the best response though. As in keeping with the above shitty rules, you're going to have to find a way to challenge the unconscious bias behind this feedback without simply confirming their idiotic perception that you are unfriendly. Could you ask for more information, in a friendly but curious and persistent way: ie 'could you explain the reasoning behind this?' 'are there any particular negative consequences to my not smiling that I need to be aware of?' 'How do I compare to other team members, eg Richard doesn't smile much either does he? Did he get the same feedback?'

Ironically, these sorts of bastard loaded questions tend to be all the more powerful when accompanied by a really sweet smile. Which of course proves your point ...

Just mentioned this to my husband and he said he has been asked to smile more at work, as in his management role it was seen as nice for the managers to look like they are enjoying themselves as the happy atmosphere trickles down.

"Your immediate responses are part of the problem"

No we just wanted to know the parameters, people have said they have said this to both male and female staff members, pointing out it IS said to male members of staff, so in some cases NOT sexist at all.

Customer facing roles can be incredibly high level, top sales staff for example.

If this is how you react to people questioning you, maybe that is the problem.

I get this.

I just don't do big wide smiles (comes from a history of bad teeth/braces I tried to hide which just formed into a lifelong habit).

Not customer facing. A senior managerial role in a large, complex company.

Perhaps your immediate responses are part of the problem. I'm not viewed as the same level as my male counterparts. I couldn't imagine a scenario when the person who gave the feedback would say the same about my male colleagues. Or would think that it's appropriate feedback for a senior manager to give or receive.

I think that if it was about being polite or friendly then I wouldn't have a problem about it. Much of the rest of the review was actually about how approachable people find me. Its not an attitude problem.

Maybe this was the wrong place to post this - I just wanted to get it off my chest.

I am a manager and I would not hesitate to ask my male and female staff to greet customers in a warm and amiable fashion. Non customer facing staff may do as they please.

If it's a customer facing role or you are representative of the company (reception or pa type of work) then I think it's important. I've worked in places where it's been said to male and female colleagues for this reason.

I also think even if it isn't a public facing role, there's nothing wrong with being considered polite and friendly by your colleagues.

Smiling can make a huge difference in some jobs - male and female.
It really depends on what the job is.

Are you customer facing? As that makes a difference really.