Being told to smile more at work

Oops... only just realised what a gendered concept that is!

Yes absolutely.

There is no male equivalent of "resting bitch-face".

Even if miles was in a customer facing role, the level of expectation for smiling would be greater with her than her male colleagues.

FFS RTFT people before you queue up to reassure the OP that it might not be sexist because she might work in a customer-facing role.

She clarified in her second post that she doesn't, so that's cleared that up.

No need to give examples of where such feedback definitely wasn't sexist because those examples aren't relevant to the OP's situation.

Although of course, it's always useful to have reminders that sometimes things which can be sexist in some situations, are not in others, because otherwise we crazy feminists are in danger of seeing sexism where it doesn't exist. What with it being so rare and all.

I get it OP.

What's your job?

Customer service, client facing or community centred - everyone could get this. I've given this feedback to someone working with SN teenagers - some jobs you need to smile and ooze enthusiasm.
Professions with a more technical, data driven nature YY I would find it sexist. For example in the technical part of my job I need to be serious and people need to follow my instructions carefully, as what I do is take government policy/best practice/new methods, apply them to my place of work and train/brief staff accordingly; I shouldn't need to butter up or cajole because I'm a woman.

Yes to women smiling more than men - plenty of research has shown it, and I have read transwomen saying it was one of the things they had to learn to do to pass as female. People in groups lower down the hierarchy smile more than those above them.
In that context there is an undertone of 'you need to display more submissive bbehaviour' to it.

Depends what you do for a living really, and whether it's likely that a man would be expected to be smiley and approachable too, in a similar role - nursing for example, or anything customer facing really. It might be sexism, might not be.

You got it Yonic

I agree with Whirlpoolgalaxy - I bet men don't very often get told to smile more

And YY to beaky approach.

"How do I compare to other team members, eg Richard doesn't smile much either does he? Did he get the same feedback?" made me lol. be prepared to utterly bamboozle your manager

Females are socialised to smile much more than men.

There have been things I've seen, I'm sure, showing that women smile much more than men due to socialisation. Looking friendly, approachable, unthreatening and so forth.

Certainly men don't tell strange men they see on the street to "smile love".

A women working in a "senior managerial role in a large, complex company" getting told her performance is great but she needs to "smile more" is taking the fucking piss IMVHO.

I bet it's swearing, scallops!

What do you work as? If you're a PR person or a diplomatic or someone who deals with the public a lot then appropriate use of smiling would make sense.

If you work in front of a computer and don't interact with the public then it wouldn't make much sense.

And I don't think it's a gender issue.

Agree with Puffins - it does seem like the month for ridiculous and sexist feedback. Thankfully mine wasn't off my boss so I can basically ignore it. And it wasn't about smiling but it was about something that happens a lot in my male dominated office and I am the only one who has had it picked up on in feedback.

I agree that it sounds pretty weird. I like Beaky's approach.

Must be the month for ridiculous feedback.

Beaky has given a really good strategy for dealing with it. I might do the same with my manager, when they get back from their hols...

Several pp have now proffered legitimate reasons why the OP might be told to smile more. But unless I've missed something, OP, your manager - whose job it presumably is - hasn't. Wouldn't that be part of ordinary feedback? If the only advice you were given was something not directly related to your actual performance, wouldn't you expect an explanation? Because as it stands, it does sound a hell of a lot like "You are very competent and I find that unattractive. Please go back to being a woman."

I don't like the sound of that.
Beaky has the right approach I feel. Question it. While smiling.

Not that related but the thread made me think of this:

Depends on the situation as to whether telling a woman to smile is being a dick or not. The 100% dick version is 'modify your appearance just for me for no other reason than I want you too', which is a control/diminishment mechanism. But there are legitimate times to tell anyone to smile, customer facing as was said, even issues to improve interactions and mood in the workplace. I think in the workplace, based on what I have observed, men are more instructed to change there demeanor while women are instructed to change appearance. I suppose smiles are part way between the two but I think they lie more on the appearance side of the scale.

It's weird feedback for sure!

It sounds like you work in a pretty male dominated field then? I think this is a difficult when it comes to performance/development. Advice given by male managers might work well for men but could backfire for women.

In my experience, even really supportive male managers can screw up women's prospects - eg by being too scared to give genuine, challenging feedback.

What's your manager like?

Thank you beaky. You've expressed exactly what i've been struggling to!

In the same feedback, I was told to start thinking and behaving more like other leaders in our company in order to succeed. All the examples given were men. I was essentially told to abandon any "feminine" traits for "male" ones.

I'm paraphrasing but as you've said on one hand, I'm too sweet and need to give up any sense of decency and being too kind (!) but on the other don't become a cold hearted bitch and smile more.