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Original poster

Help! Mean mummies!

36 replies

IAmBumblebee · 10/04/2015 00:36

Not sure where to post this - it definitely feels like a 'feminist' issue...

Just got back from my friend's house having a long (very teary) chat with her. Apparently she's been having ongoing problems with some 'mean mummies' at her dd's (primary) school.

Another 'Playground Politics' thing.

This is the first I've really seen how much it's affected her - she said she didn't want to mention it because it seems like such a trivial thing - "what's five minutes at the school gate?" - but it's five minutes, five days a week, every school week for almost a year... and it's torn a little piece of her away every time. Angry

The 'clique' mommies huddle together, leave my friend out, snub her when she approaches them, make her feel inadequate etc. My friend is such a wonderful, kind, loving person. I can't imagine why anyone would treat anyone like this, let alone a woman who is as amazing as my friend.

I didn't know what advice to give her, other than that she always had my shoulder to cry on.... I just feel so helpless!! Sad

Has anyone else had any experience of this? And if so, what did you do about it??

Please help!

OP posts:
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Jinglebells99 · 21/04/2015 09:45

The thing is in any playground, there will be groups of parents who have known each other for years, and are generally friends and just want to have a chat and just won't see themselves as excluding anyone?! I did school pick up for about nine years in a large primary in a small town. I always had someone to chat to, and wouldn't particularly notice anyone new. I always stood in the same place and chatted to the same parents of the kids in my children's classes. I wouldn't delibrately ignore anyone but wouldn't need to seek someone to talk to, it just happened naturally. My dd had a best friend and wanted to invite her out for the day. Her mum always stood alone and seemed aloof so I was initially a bit wary of asking her, but when I approached her, she was actually really nice. And after that, I started chatting to her too, but previously I had no reason to approach her.

Jackieharris · 21/04/2015 07:21

The bitchy/cliqueness between some women is a feminist issue.

Some schools of though say that we are socialised by patriarchy to compete against each other rather than co operate with each other.

Original poster
IAmBumblebee · 20/04/2015 16:52

That's an interesting point Spell... there might be an issue that my friend isn't even be aware of. Her child is very well behaved, but that doesn't mean there might not be some sort of friendship/ social issue. Hmm. Good insight.

OP posts:
Spell99 · 16/04/2015 13:49

I saw something similar on my school run but it was because the child was causing problems, so they were projecting onto the parent. You have said nothing that would indicate this but ill pose it as a question.

Original poster
IAmBumblebee · 11/04/2015 23:52

Empress - Daily Fail. Love it.

Maybe I should advise my friend to wear a t-shirt with a slogan printed on like: 'What the EFF are you looking at??!! I'm here to pick up my child, not join in with your childish games. Get. A. Life.' Hmm. The Head might not appreciate it though - don't want to get her kid in trouble!!

I suppose there really isn't anything she can do to stop it. I always thought the 'ignore the bully' advice was a bit empty but it's the only thing you do can do... rise above it. Let it go (a la Elsa).

Thanks all. x

OP posts:
AskBasil · 11/04/2015 22:21

Tell her to take a book or mobile phone with her and busy herself with that.

If these ppl are targeting her deliberately, it'll piss them off that she's not bothered by it.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 11/04/2015 17:56

I generally just keep to myself, that's not very helpful I realise. I don't try anymore, just pick up and leave

EmpressOfJurisfiction · 11/04/2015 16:58

Bumblebee, probably because they agree with the comments section on the Daily Fail website.

Original poster
IAmBumblebee · 11/04/2015 16:53

No backstory as far as I'm aware. I would totally understand if there had been some sort of argument (even a tiny one - I've seen some ridiculous disagreements escalate) but I don't think that's the case. My friend would know to rise above it/ try and make amends if there had been a specific altercation.

I guess the best advice I can give my friend is just to keep being polite (as SethRogenMovie suggested) ignore them, get on with it and then blow of some steam when we have our get togethers. I can be a shoulder to cry on but I can't stop random, unwarranted nastiness!

Puffins - Confused I know 'trolls' exist but I just don't understand why they would target a site like this one... Why not just wind people up in the comments section on The Daily Mail website?! Wink

Thanks for the advice. x

OP posts:
Crossfitmyarse · 11/04/2015 05:25

Kerala I agree that no-one should be obliged to be friends with anyone, and if you happen to be the person feeling left out then that's sad but it's not necessarily the fault of anyone else.

But in this case it sounds as if there is some sort of orchestrated campaign of nastiness which I must say is very unusual in grown adults, unless there is some sort of backstory….

PuffinsAreFictitious · 11/04/2015 05:15

Bumblebee... Sadly, the feminism forum attracts a certain type of idiot. I'm really sorry this one came and dribbled all over your thread. I have no clue why they do it, probably because they are deeply inadequate in real life and choose to troll here as an outlet for all the spite and bile they have no outlet for elsewhere. But mostly because they are knobheads.

Crossfitmyarse · 11/04/2015 05:00

I really feel for your friend and unless he has said or done something specific, like argued with one of the women, I can't imagine why on earth they would do this - it's extremely unusual to be treated this badly, as opposed to just coming up against a clique who are not very inclusive or welcoming.

I have no problem with you asking how to help her boost her self esteem over this, but it is absolutely NOT a feminist issue as far as I am concerned.

LikeABadSethRogenMovie · 11/04/2015 01:45

In that case, why would she ever want to be friends with them?!

I no longer need to do the school run as I live in an area that provides busses but, when I did, I found the easiest thing to do was just say hello to everybody as I went in and out. If they ignored me, it hadn't cost me anything and I really didn't care. I would still say hello the next day as it's just polite to acknowledge people you see every day.

Original poster
IAmBumblebee · 11/04/2015 01:13

Kerala - I agree, people aren't obliged to be friends with anyone, that isn't the issue. My friend specified that these women are deliberately 'targetting' her - they snub her if she tries to talk to them, they whisper, they turn their back etc. Just very childish behaviour. My friend doesn't expect friendship, but she certainly doesn't deserve outright hostility!

Puffins - I thought it was a bit vicious! May I ask why somebody would troll a mumsnet thread?

WindMeUp - I'm sorry to hear that you too are suffering. Do you have any advice for my friend, being in a similar position?

OP posts:
KERALA1 · 10/04/2015 23:21

But why are they obliged to be friends with your friend and criticised if they don't? Why is it "mean"? What obligations do we as individuals have to include strangers into friendship groups?

PuffinsAreFictitious · 10/04/2015 23:09

Bumblebee.... meddaio was a troll, one of the more virulent kinds we get on here all the time. Best ignored, certainly not someone to take any notice of.

WindMeUpAndLetMeGo · 10/04/2015 23:07

I know how she feels, I don't live in the immediate vicinity of DSs school and people rarely talk as they are all in their cliques. It's hard,and often lonely

Original poster
IAmBumblebee · 10/04/2015 23:03

Thank you for all your responses.

I agree with all of your who suggested that she is better off not socialising with these types of people. She has lots of friends (like me!) but she lives in a different area and just hasn't 'gelled' with the locals.

'Not a fair thing to say unless they've actually done anything to the poor fragile woman who cries whenever someone doesn't want to be her friend' - This is definitely not the situation. My friend really isn't one to bemoan petty behaviour and she isn't upset because they 'don't want to be friends'. I think it's just that being alienated like this every single day would get anybody down. It's easy to say how petty and childish it all is (which, she and I would agree, that is IS just petty and silly) but that it's just tiring and repetitive.

On my school run there are of course lots of parents hovering alone, but there doesn't seem to be this 'clique' thing which my friend is describing.

She's not making a drama, really, I wish she HAD made a bigger issue and told me sooner that it's getting her down. She doesn't expect everyone to be her friend, make contact, talk to her, approach her etc. She's a very strong, independent lady - maybe that's why I'm so shocked to she her upset about this. Maybe she's just feeling a bit isolated, because, as I mentioned, she lives further away from her friends.

Again, thank you all for you responses.

OP posts:
rosy71 · 10/04/2015 11:31

Why doesn't she just ignore them? When I pick my boys up from school, I do just that. I don't feel any need to try and chat to anyone.

Having said that, they're usually at afterschool club so I'm not there at 3.15, but I genuinely wouldn't be bothered by what other parents are doing.

YonicScrewdriver · 10/04/2015 09:19

OP, I don't think this is a feminist issue.

Meddaio, I think you might be new? It's frowned on to post "get a fucking life" at another poster. Just a wee heads up.

cailindana · 10/04/2015 09:10

I think the issue lies with your friend to be honest. She seems to be making a huge drama out of total non-issue. As others have said, it's not possible that every single parent in the playground is crowding together and ignoring her, so clearly there's just one bunch that she's decided should be friendly to her, for whatever reason, but aren't for whatever reason. She needs to just ignore them, find someone else to chat to and perhaps work a bit on her self esteem so that something like this doesn't hit her so hard.

ChunkyPickle · 10/04/2015 08:41

I agree with everyone here - at our school there are people who I'll wander up to and talk to - some most days, some occasionally, there are people who I'll just nod hello to, and there are some who's eye I've probably never even caught - and this is at a tiny village school, where there are probably only 100 parents in total (both mothers and fathers).

I didn't expect to make lifelong friendships among my kids classmate's parents, we just need to be civil enough to each other to arrange playdates/the school fair!

meddaio · 10/04/2015 08:21

"they sound like a shower of arseholes."

Not a fair thing to say unless they've actually done anything to the poor fragile woman who cries whenever someone doesn't want to be her friend

pinkyredrose · 10/04/2015 08:19

How do they are her feel inadequate? She'd be better off just never approaching them at all, they sound like a shower of arseholes.

meddaio · 10/04/2015 08:03

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