Dropping the wifework

I can't see that in any posts

For me wife work is not cleaning or cooking. It's the constant thinking ahead and planning. It's very wearing.

I can't see anything in Pootle's post that fits your description, OP.

i would say that DH does mosto of the traditional WifeWork roles, but only the big things.

so he cooks, and he hoovers, and he does half of the laundry (maybe more, actually, because i hate putting away)

but i tend to do the little things that matter but aren't obvious - like reminding him to do stuff (which is not the best thing ,becuase i'm VERY forgetful!)- i had to ask him to get DD's prescription today, and when the pharmacy "didn't have it" i was the one who rang the doctor's to find out why. I'm sure that's because i was the one who requested it in teh first place, and also because i've had to do it before, the last time they lost it, rather than that it's wifework. (i'm pretty sure it was default wifework though)

also, he gets DD ready when he's home, but i seem to tell him every time she needs a nappy change, or to ask her what food she wants, or to offer her food. or to get her pyjamas and get her ready for bed etc
on sunday, we went to church without her lunchbox because i'd not thought about it and neither had he, even tough i always abdicate parenting on sunday morning. i have never, ever taen charge of sunday morning parenting, and yet it always seems to be me that makes sure she's got everything, a spare nappy, a cup of water and the lunchbox.
funny, because when he lived here without me, he was able to sort out everything to do with the cats and never needed any prompting...

so i wonder whether it's actually wifework or just what roles are naturally assigned to people through habit.
i started off being the chicken keepr, but i gave that up when i was pregnant and couldn't be arsed to get out of bed, and he's done it ever since.
apart from the anti-biotic, he won't do that because he's scared that he'll accidentally break the chicken's neck to get the medicine in, and i've done it before so i know what to do

so, yeah, mainly habit, but some wifework as predefined by tradition and society

Pootle's post was agreeing and sympathising with the op wasn't it?

I think asking why you are doing something is an essential question.

Sigh.

Which posts didn't you like, OP?

Op

FWR is a good place for your post. I suspect that any part of MN would've got various responses. You can judge if you think they are more or less robust here!

So what could you share with your partner, blonde?
Look at all the shit you're doing, make a list and sit down and sort it out between you. Unless he is one of the

' men who want to beat their partners, emotionally and financially abuse them are likely to begin such a course of action. It can be no surprise that the milder form of that - making someone work on required tasks each week by refusing to contribute to them also begins. '

almondcakes - I see what you mean! I may have skim read and taken that slightly personally, I shall attempt to calm down too.

I usually regret posting on the feminist boards too, especially when the dialogue goes from not Christmas shopping to wifebeating and abuse faster than a Formula 1.
No middle ground for someone to stop and think 'Why am I doing this?'

Actually I like doing the meal planning, the cooking and general cleaning so I do them.
I don't like organising, shopping , laundry and sorting the kids homework out so DH does that. That said there's not a strict boundary sign between tasks. If something needs doing some one does it.
If I was to call it anything I call it team work. We didn't need any declarations of who does what.

Yep I do all that - I clean and do the laundry though my husband does cook (usually at weekends and Christmas dinner). But the thing I find really wears me out is all the organisation - everything to do with the kids and childcare/school/extra-curricular stuff like paying for football and cleaning football boots. Everything to do with the house - phoning people to mend things for example. Anything to do with money and paperwork like bank accounts/insurance/passport applications etc. All presents for our children and families. He looks after our cable TV and takes the car for its MOT once a year. It's exhausting and I have no idea how it got this way because it wasn't always like this. We both work.

Gilbert, I think there is an undercurrent of that in some posts, but I did not mean yours just because of calendars. Sorry, this topic annoys me, because every time it seems to lead to people going, 'but why don't women just tell men to do their share, like my DH who looks after 27 kids and makes a baked alaska like I expect.'

I will try to be calmer.

Thanks for sharing your experience Monkey. I have recently been moaning about the number of "solo portfolios" I have in our family. Your post has made me think of things I can stop doing rather than doing and complaining.

Well done to PPs who already have it sorted.... It must be nice!

I recognise gilbertblythe's list (what a fab fictional man he is btw!). It eats up a lot of time and mental energy! I feel doing wifework is bad for my performance at work!

Also agree that when not doing it impacts on DC it's harder to stop. I am sometimes met with denial that stuff needs doing at all or the accusation that my standards are too high (they're not IMO!).

Would add: supervising homework and school-related admin!

almondcakes - I don't see where anyone has said it's women's fault?

Plenty of feminists on this board do Wifework and even more recognise it.

I do think it is important to play to your strengths I direct dh in the sense that I hold a planner in my phone, and text him instructions. I don't do that much of the actual tasks though as I am work. I don't see anything wrong with that way of doing things tbh as that is his job. Same as I have mine.

He doesn't do all that though. He wouldn't pack my suitcase or buy presents for my family as I think that is a bit of a strange one.

I think the mistake you may be making here, monkeysaymoo, is posting on the feminism board….where more people are more committed feminists and thus don't do 'wifework' in the same way.

I think CMOT's list is a good one. I would include:

• Planning holidays…including working out where to go, booking it, packing for it, etc
• What happens at weekends. Clubs? Parties? Presents for parties? Kit for clubs?
• Washing, ironing, crap related jobs that need to be done - cleaning out dishwasher, emptying filters in washer and dryer, cleaning out washing machine etc

FWIW I pack holiday stuff for my DH since I left him to do it and he took no shorts, no shoes apart from walking boots, no swimming gear - leaving me supervising children in the sea endlessly whilst he pissed about on his phone on the beach.

But I am not a shining example. I very much regret the SAHM path I chose. I now run my own business, but since it is still very part-time and low income, I am the default childcarer and everything-organiser and I hate the example I have set to my children.

Well there is no 'somehow' about it, is there?

When women have children, their ability to leave their partner hugely decreases, due to the additional costs, housing needs, childcare needs etc.

At that point men who want to beat their partners, emotionally and financially abuse them are likely to begin such a course of action. It can be no surprise that the milder form of that - making someone work on required tasks each week by refusing to contribute to them also begins.

But no. It's not that. It's the fault of mums for buying shitty twee calendars to help them organise all the extra work that has been dumped on them. If they didn't buy these calendars of course men would do their share of the childcare, housework and organisation. I'm sure if women just say no firmly men will stop beating them too.