Dropping the wifework

High handedness and smuggery never "encouraged" debate in my experience.

Ah Pootle, that would explain it. Up til your post, only 2 FWR regulars had responded, neither of them in the style you suggest. Really sorry you're not happy with your set up. Anything we could do to help?

Monkey, you seem to be articulating your difficulties really well as far as I can see. AnyFucker is always really good on stuff like this.

If you find the subject matter of a thread "irritating and martyred" then why not look or don't look, it's your choice

Well that should encourage debate - we can all nod in agreement or say nothing .

I think it's a silly expression.

The reason for my first comment was that the majority of responses that the op had received at that point were of the 'i don't understand what on earth you mean as my partner and I split things equally' variety. Good for you, respondents, but some of us have foolishly ended up in 1950s type set ups that we regret.

these "realisations" can be fucking painful

like being punched right in the belly

Oh it's very easy to get defensive about a subject like this. This type of work creeps up on you and suddenly you find yourself doing it. And some of it is important and needs to get done, like almondcakes was saying. So if you don't do it who will? Other stuff maybe just the icing on the cake but the societal pressure is still there for it to be done. By the woman!

but some things aren't important.
we only make them so

like, for example - i learned that before we lived together (and after DH's mum became infirm), a woman in our choir took DH's surplice to wash and iron at christmas and easter (when she did her own).
she stopped doing it when I moved in - i assume i was expected to do it.
I never did.
The first time it needed to be done after i moved in, he washed both of ours, and i stood there with my ironing board opposite his ironing board, showing him how to do it, because he'd never done it before (and they're weird shapes)
i was not going to do it for him!

He then had responsibility for his own surplice.

since DD was born, my surplice has been washed many times (children are disgustingly dirty and greasy and my surplice has suffered many greasy dirty hands) but it hasn't been ironed. I haven't got a clue whether DH has ironed his.

having said that, he never ironed anything else, and i've stopped ironing too.
i iron posh clothes for a wedding or some-such, and i iron when i'm sewing (because that's necessary), but other than that, i don't iron.

As I am the one that is at home and not working due to disability (I do paint though), I do the home things. My stbdh works, however any chores at the weekend get divided without discussion, we just get on and do.

During the week though, I make all pack lunches, that's the dc and stbdh, evening meals, washing cleaning, child things. If I worked these would be down to both of us to do, but as I am at home I just get on and do.

I also do little things for stbdh such as make sure coffee pot is clean for the morning, get his cloths out ready as I do mine the night before. I ask him if there are any errands he needs done, such as picking up his suit from dry cleaners etc. I do these things as I am around to do them and I think that as he works bloody hard as well as doing our home up in the evenings (self build type thing) the least I can do is pick up the slack on the home front. I class myself as an equalitist, I also love cooking and enjoy pottering, it suits us both.

He brings me coffee in bed at the weekends and on the day he works from home once a week. He knows that I need lots of sleep so he is happy for me to lie in at weekends. He is hugely supportive of my art project and doesn't bat an eye lid when I am tranced out painting for hours!

I have always been home proud and like to be fairly organised in a haphazard kind of way.

Do I think that what I do is wifework? No I do sahp work.

The wife work in my house includes: being responsible for virtually everything school and kids related; knowing where everything is all the time (mummy where's my......?); virtually all cleaning except the absolute daily stuff like washing up which we share; planning, shopping for and cooking almost every meal; anything that requires an appointment/ timed anything eg. Getting quotes, doctors, haircuts, deliveries; all holiday packing for kids and myself and non-clothing items like sunscreen ( DH puts own pair of pants in tesco bag on morning of travel); all reminders of family birthdays but I don't buy for his family since we rowed about it; plus absolutely myriad other things. DH manages finances, pays bills, puts bins out, orders firewood and drills things into Walls. If I don't do the things, no one does them, and the stress of things being disorganised and the house being filthy means that I just do it anyway. The only thing I don't clean is DH's shower as I don't use it ever - it looks like the before shot in the cillit bang ad. There's another post on here about MIL's false views of DH - my MIL thinks I'm the messy one, and isn't it nice that I'm so relaxed about housework.

And multi-tasking (or lack of it) is just another excuse to get women to do more work.

monkeysaymoo, I'm not understanding why you are regretting posting here. Most of the regular FWR folk have been sympathetic towards you and agree with you. And none of them have questioned how 'feminist' you may be (or anyone else who does wifework).

For me it's the little things like getting the right clothes in the right drawers for the children and shaking out the clothes before you dry them so it minimises the ironing. Appointments for the children, hair, doctors, dentist, parties etc etc.

hello, just come back and noticed the comments from my last post.
I didn't mean that men like this don't exist or that some women aren't expected to do women's work, but that it doesn't have to be this way and you don't have to do it.
For me it was important to find a man who shared the same values as me, and for me it wasn't about a career but not being treated like a skivvy and that general housekeeping and cleanliness were no more my responsibility than dh's.

if you find the subject matter of a thread "irritating and martyred" then why not look or don't look, it's your choice

I do all this "wife work" as I'm currently taking a career break to look after a toddler. Does that mean I can't be a feminist?

But it's not "wife work" it's what needs to be done to maintain a standard of hygiene and stocked cupboards to maintain civilisation in your home and which you do whilst he's out doing his job. How high or low that standard is, is of course entirely up for debate and should not mean you work harder than him.

Well he is not really some he isn't doing cause he isn't bothered whether it is done or not.

More than that, he's doing it himself. Just like a grown-up.

Well in the ops case her dh never asked her to do it, doesn't even care or notice if she didn't do it, so he can't really be blamed. She didn't really ever have to do it

It's still irritating and martyred.

www.amazon.co.uk/Wifework-Susan-Maushart/dp/0747561729

I've been berated for putting my name first on cards I've sent to dh's family

In 27 years I have never sent a card to any member of my husband's family. No idea of most of their addresses let alone their birthdays. If he wants to send them Christmas or birthday cards that's up to him, it's nothing to do with me.

It's from a book, still. It wasn't made up by MN

I find the expression "wife work" extremely irritating. Who uses it outside of MN. It's just another self-chosen martyrdom. Ooh look at me, I'm expected to do all the housework.

Do it or don't do, fix up a proper rota or don't, it's your choice.

And if you don't work and your children are at school presumably doing housework whist your partner is at work is your job anyway?