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Original poster

Not taking his name- elderly relative - help!

65 replies

happygirl87 · 07/04/2015 12:07

DH and I married last year, and agreed we would each keep our own names. Family (on both sides) all think I am being weird, but after first comments were met with a steely glare they have shut up.

However, DH has an older, very traditional, very wealthy relative, who likes to give him money on an ad hoc basis. She gives to all the younger family members, and I think that it genuinely gives her great pleasure to be able to do that, so whether we should accept the money is not an issue. However, since the wedding she wants to include me in the gift, and so gives us cheques made out to "Mr and Mrs DHName". Since I am not MrsDHName, I am MsHappyGirl, the bank won't take the cheques. We have previously asked her to rewrite them, but she is in her late 80s and generally becoming a bit confused, and this makes her very distressed and flustered. We have tried asking her to put any future cheques (if there are any, obv totally at her discretion) into DH's name only, but she forgets. I feel like a total bitch, making an old lady who is trying to be generous suffer just because of my principles.

Any suggestions?

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Jackieharris · 08/04/2015 11:12

You should just change your current account provider anyway, on principle. This is ridiculous!

specialsubject · 08/04/2015 10:40

hmmm - I suppose so, although production of a marriage certificate would (you hope) suggest that the two parties concerned trust each other. That said, perhaps they worry that there has been a subsequent divorce?

what a minefield!

Original poster
happygirl87 · 07/04/2015 19:51

Special, I guess there has to be a line drawn somewhere- if wealthy relative wrote a joint cheque to DH and DH's married sister, who has her DH's name, he obviously couldn't pay it into our joint acc- I suppose his name and my married name is no different from a fraud perspective?!

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YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 18:56

Special, if the cheque was just to DH then it would be accepted by the joint account.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 07/04/2015 18:42

i've had wrong name cheques rejected by the LLoyds bank automated machine, it turned up in the post a couple of days letter with a note saying no.

specialsubject · 07/04/2015 18:39

they won't let your husband (who has the right name) pay the cheque into the joint account?

that's ridiculous. Complain upwards. You don't both need to be there to pay in a joint cheque. I even pay in his cheques into the joint account without him there.

StillLostAtTheStation · 07/04/2015 18:04

If she is this set in her ways surely telling her he doesn't agree with joint accounts is easiest and he opens an account in his name?

My husband and I really don't have a joint account.

Taleggio · 07/04/2015 17:21

I've kept my name and I'm sure we've cheques accepted by the Halifax which have been in the wrong name. Good luck.

thatstoast · 07/04/2015 16:54

Have you tried paying it in using the self service machines? They don't have outdated opinions.

Original poster
happygirl87 · 07/04/2015 15:08

ZipZap I agree- I get fraud rules etc, but I think if you register marriage cert (and perhaps provide it as well) that should suffice! However, the man I spoke to today said that historically they let you do that, but no bank will allow it now Sad

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Original poster
happygirl87 · 07/04/2015 14:55

Yonic I like the idea of saying no joint acc, I think that would diffuse a lot of tension, thank you. I think amending the cheque is still an issue, as we don't actually see her v often, since she lives a few hours away, so it's all done by letter. But for the future we could possibly get her to put a note on her chequebook saying "DH - cheques in his name only, no joint acc with Happy" (I think a note saying "Happy has kept maiden name" would be a far more bitter pill!)

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zipzap · 07/04/2015 14:52

I have a lloyds account and registered my marriage certificate with them once, now I can pay in cheques whether they're in my name or if somebody tries to make me use DH's name.

However Natwest isn't as helpful - want's to see the marriage certificate each time I pay in a cheque using dh's name. Guess which bank I tend to use more often!

You'd think that some banks would realise that this is quite a big deal to a lot of people and something that they could sort their systems out to deal with pretty easily and provide customers with excellent service at minimal extra cost to themselves - a win-win situation surely!

TwoLittleTerrors · 07/04/2015 14:47

Aha just saw your latest post. It seems hsbc is quite lax then.

And it just occurred to me we could cash a Mr and Mrs terror cheque because of the account with MIL lol.

TwoLittleTerrors · 07/04/2015 14:45

whoknows DH opened an account with her mum when she just arrived in nz. It's her first proof of address. But it's the bank we use (hsbc). They will accept proof of address of just one account holder.

Original poster
happygirl87 · 07/04/2015 14:40

WhoKnows don't worry, it's a very valid query, but fortunately her daughter is taking things over in a sort of "phased" way, and reviews major bills, decisions etc- but not individual family gifts.

On a whim I stuck my head into HSBC (random unscientific sampling based on my lunch route!) and asked about opening an acc in married name- they said maiden name ID plus maiden name utility bill plus marriage cert would be sufficient. So that's an option at least....

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WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 07/04/2015 14:27

That's how I feel, I have no ID in Mrs DH's name because, well, it's not my name. I've had it with an elderly aunt too, in the end I bit the bullet and wrote to her, explaining very clearly why we couldn't cash her cheque (it was Christmas money for the DCs), and to my surprise (she is VERY old fashioned and traditional) she wrote back saying she quite understood and with a cheque in my name, she has addressed letters to me correctly ever since too. However it is hard if your relative suffers with confusion. Without wishing to pry into your family, is there someone prepared to take over her finances when it does become too much for her?

marshmallowpies · 07/04/2015 14:26

The cheques we paid in made out to Mr & Mrs DH were in 2012 after our wedding, perhaps fraud rules have been tightened since then. I've been caught out once at the post office trying to collect a package addressed to Mrs DH (sent by a person who knew DH but not me), but the post office person let me get away with it that one time.Grin

YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 14:25

She could just cross out "& Mrs" and initial it?

Say you don't have a joint account rather than making it about the surnames?

Original poster
happygirl87 · 07/04/2015 14:15

Oh God WhoKnows hadn't thought of that! If I have to change bills and stuff I might as well just change everything, and take the bloody name! Sad

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Original poster
happygirl87 · 07/04/2015 14:13

SpecialSubject, I do have a joint acc with DH in name of "Mr DHName and MsHappy", but neither of us has been able to pay the cheque into that acc.

Yonic I think it's that or we try to find a new bank to open an acc solely for kind relative's cheques. Only issues are a) it's a horrible idea of having an acc as MrsDHName Sad and b) Sod's law that bank will start a great mortgage offer or summat, we'll want to move all our banking to them, and they'll have me on record as MrsDH....

But honestly when we ask kindly relative for new cheque she gets so confused - I think she's upset about what names our (as yet unconceived or thought of!) DC will have, then she worries she's given us two cheques, so other family members need more money, or she'll assume we aren't married yet and worry that she doesn't know when the wedding is....it feel cruel to make her go through it tbh.

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YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 14:10

I wondered that WhoKnows.

WhoKnowsWhereTheTimeGoes · 07/04/2015 14:09

Can you set up an account in a married name if you have absolutely no ID in that name, just a marriage certificate? Don't they still ask for passport, utility bill or whatever?

YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 14:06

Just, in that instance, it's likely that the clerk cleared the cheque into your account then immediately paid it on to the three children.

britishbakeoffblues · 07/04/2015 14:06

Just set up a joint bank account with both your names on it as it appears on the cheque?

YonicScrewdriver · 07/04/2015 14:03

Would elderly relative rewrite cheque to just DH?