The feminist marriage - do you wear a ring?

Apologies even. Bloody phone making typos again.

Yeah fair point Petula. Policies to anyone if I came on too strong.

I am a feminist, am married and wear a ring. To be fair, I wasn't very aware of feminism when I got married, but I wouldn't change any of the decisions I made as they were made independently and intelligently. I see my wedding ring as a symbol of my connection to, and love for, my DH.

Piercedprincess I do agree with you but likewise I wouldn't want a woman to be put off asking questions about whether there is a feminist perspective or what other feminists think about something for fear of being told "I can't for the life of me see why you think this is an issue" iyswim. (I know it isn't just you who has said this). Not that women are all precious flowers or anything, but a worry that they may feel silly for asking questions about feminism may be equally off-putting to women who might otherwise be very engaged

I honestly can't for the life of me understand why anyone would even debate the idea of whether wearing a wedding ring makes them a feminist or not. Surely that's the kind of personal decision that you have to make for yourself, surely you have to do what feels right for you.

I am a feminist but that sort of thinking, where someone might fear committing some sort of sin against feminism if they make a simple lifestyle choice which, if one is in a healthy, equal relationship surely has no revelance to being feminist or not anyway?

That's not the kind of feminism I recognize at all. If people entertain those sort of thoughts that that's what feminism might mean no wonder some women are feeling it's not relevant to them, even though with all the misogynistic shit and double standards that women have to deal with every single day, it bloody well is.

Look I'm a romantic I confess it, I want to renew my vows soon in a big white dress and yes I wear a ring. But I'm also an ardent feminist, equal rights believer and humanist and I am totally against prescribed gender role behaviour if it's not right for you.

If you want to be a princess fine, but think about why you want to. Is it to gain male approval or is it because YOU want to. If you want to fine. If you want to be a wrestler that's fine too. I'm a fairly girly girl by all accounts, I like my make up, I like a lot of stereotypically girly things but that's my choice, not the patriarchy forcing me to.

Maybe I am a bit societally brainwashed, aren't we all, because we do live in a patriarchy after all, but honestly, if you have had your consciousness raised to any degree at all about this stuff I think you can make your own decisions perfectly well even within that.

As one poster in this thread said, she chooses to shave her legs, she doesn't feel happy about it but that's societal conditioning for you. I can confess to being a bit societally conditioned about things yes of course. For instance I watch my weight, but that's still my choice. I could equally choose not to. Feminism is all about free choice and widening women's opportunities, so lets not get it wrong and mistake feminism, for some kind of dogma.

I am actually quite articulate in real life. Typing on phone. Sorry b

I think weddings and marriage are generally very interesting from a feminist perspective. And I think slowly the assumptions are changing.

I wear a ring. But wouldn't if Dh didn't. However, I also did the big wedding. For me, I questioned some elements from a feminist PoV at the time but came to the conclusion that marriage was important to me and that standing up in front of friends and family and declaring that dh and I were now a family, a unit, was important. For me personally, the public nature of marriage was part of the appeal. It made me feel more secure and comfortable in my relationship.

I have met couples who have Never felt that need and their relationships are as stable and happy as mine. So I don't think either is the best. It's based on who you are and how you view the world.

But I have never taken dh's name or being called Mrs because the fact that I am married is important to me and relevant for people in my life. I don't think it should have any bearing on how the school, bank or employer treat me.

A wedding ring is a symbol of eternal love for you by the giver.
It is not a symbol of ownership.

Google the symbolism of wedding rings - it is lovely.

I've been married twice and, oddly, the first I had a giant off-white meringue, I changed my name, I wore a ring and got called Mrs. This much better marriage I wore a nicer colour, didn't take his name, have a ring but don't wear it, Rarely get called Mrs.

I think feminism should be to widen my choices, not narrow them. Otherwise what's the point?

I wear a ring not as ownership and yes because of ownership. I want the whole world to know I am taken. Taken with love, respect and understanding of a good man. I wear it as a symbol of commitment, trust, and a promise. I know I have been around a little longer than some of these women here. But growing up I was taught that marriage is not a fleeting feeling, or whimsy. It is until death. That may seem outdated to some but I believe in integrity. This means I mean what I say and my action follow. So when I first put on this ring I am saying to God and the world. I am united in this life. I am now more than myself. Two have become one. Not two halves, but two wholes. After all, you marry a whole person. Not just the half you like. This is what my ring means to me.

DH and I both wear rings. They are identical plain white gold. Neither of us have ever considered them symbols of ownership, more symbols of a deep connection between two equals.
To quote John Lennon (whom I personally dislike but agree with on this occasion):

"Rituals are important. Nowadays it's hip not to be married. I'm not interested in being hip."

Why not keep the card and take off the ring?

I wear a ring. I hate it. It irritates the fuck out of me in several ways. I do it to please my partner & family. He doesn't have the same compunction toward me. I wonder why that is?

There I've said it. Possibly I shouldn't be on this thread .

I'll leave now. Handing my feminist card in at the door.

I wear a ring but it's because I choose to. No-one should decide for you if you should wear a ring or not. I agree with grimble about exchanging society's view for that of feminists.

I did have a few ideological problems around getting married again, mostly around changing my name, my perception that I was losing my identity and being 'x's wife' rather than myself. It was all a bit troublesome for a while because I wasn't handling it well, but DH was incredibly lovely about it all and did everything he could to help.

Well taken as a stand alone statement rather than contextually in a conversation it is definitely depressing!

But then I find it depressing when women tell other women that aspects of living life as a woman are too small to be concerned with.

A ring is tiny. The designation of "wife" is not.

We are on different points in our journey and I don't think people should basically be told they should have confidence in themselves, especially in a world where women are encouraged to not be confident in themselves but to rely on others measuring their worth

I find that a pretty depressing statement. I disagree with a lot of the givens on here but feminism should be about telling women they should have confidence to be themselves.

I actually find the OP''s question a bit depressing- the decision whether or not to wear a small piece of jewellery should not have to be validated by any one .

OP, do let us know what you decide to wear. DP and I are marrying in the summer. Registry office, then I think we are going out for dinner. We have told a handful of people and said they can come if they like, but they don't have to. I'd rather it just be us, 15 minutes in and out and then back home to my joggers, but DP feels unable to not invite family.

I am also wondering what to wear. Honestly given my own choice, I would be jeans and a jumper, I'm very unsure if I should make more of an effort because it's expected. Which is silly, I know.

Lovely, I do agree about the validation issue. I think this might link to something brought up on another thread about moving through feminisms. At my most questioning and desiring for approval I was a liberal feminist, I'm probably radical these days which has given me confidence in myself and I'm way less judgmental of other women's choices or how they personally choose to navigate the patriarchy.

I'm not saying it's that path for everyone or being an a-fem equals b, but there is certainly going to be a transition period and I guess the question is if not then why not? Is it lack of confidence or feminist "police" or other things or all things?

I had a plain one and I did wear it until I lost it

Antiquity, that is a really interesting point and one I hadn't thought of in that way before. But I still feel that if we swap our sense of validation from men to other women, even other feminists, we haven't really progressed. I agree that feminist spaces, thoughts and ideologies must exist. I have benefited greatly from the fact that they do. Yet I find it more than a little sad that someone feels like they almost have to ask if it's ok to wear a wedding ring. It conjures up images of a feminist club with a bouncer at the door checking your hand for wedding rings before they allow you to enter.

I may be supposing that the end goal-where everyone feels that they are able to make their own decisions,freely without a gender bias is already here and your post brings it home that maybe we aren't there just yet.

I think it's interesting to gather opinions to help you decide what you think/want to do.

We started off by both wearing rings, but I rarely wear mine now, whereas he still does.

Our legal wedding was just us and parents. I wore a red knee length dress and black thigh boots (after OH said I should make more effort than just wearing jeans).

It's all so individual, do/wear what makes you comfortable.

But what if you don't feel empowered to make them?

I am constantly told in real life that I think too much, that gender is innate and that things like wearing a wedding ring is obsessing over the little things. Mostly I think fuck them. I can do that because I've done enough feminist reading that I feel confident in my own decisions. When this board first came into existence I was nowhere near so confident in my views and did indeed wonder what made me a feminist, especially as a married "sahm"

We are on different points in our journey and I don't think people should basically be told they should have confidence in themselves, especially in a world where women are encouraged to not be confident in themselves but to rely on others measuring their worth.