Views on working/staying at home

Your current life does sound incredibly hard work - especially if you're not enjoying it. I'm another who'd suggest properly exploring whether you and/or your dh might be able to go part time before making any final decisions, though. I obviously don't know the particular culture you work in, but I think what a company says about part time work, and what they actually do when faced with a skilled and valued employee about to leave, might be two different things.

Bluelamp, I was also wondering how the OP would feel if their DC were being cared for by DH? Has DH also considered p/t work and time with DS too? Is he too wishing he could spend more time with DS? If not, why might that be?

You could both get to have more time with DS and feel better too, if DS were with one of his parents when the other isn't around. I know that wasn't really the essence of your OP but the first thing that struck me most was wondering why it's YOU who's missing time with DS and considering a change in your working life - and not DH?

Before jacking in work altogether I'd want to explore part time work/changing company to one that is closer or less demanding/taking a sabbatical (how old is your DS, you are entitled to take a certain amount of unpaid time off if he's under 5, but your company might have other schemes as well).

Would your DH consider any of the options above as well? I say this because my favourite day of the week is the day DH has at home with the kids. It makes my day at work easier (because I don't need to rush ou the door at a certain time) and there is always a cooked meal waiting for me when I get home which is unbelievably fabulous. Having that support at home (even one day a week) makes things much easier to deal with the other days.

I do think sometimes women take it on themselves to be make all the changes when there is a situation that isn't working for them when it might be better to sit down as a couple and work out together what you could BOTH do to change. Both of you making little changes might be as effective as one of you making a big change.

Oh and being a SAHM, but with a bit of a career, is awesome. My DH earns more and has a more stellar career but I wouldn't swap with him.

DH and I both had good corporate jobs, earning broadly equal amounts when I went on 1st mat leave. His career then took off due to him being in a niche suddenly in demand area so he started earning more than me.

After DC2 I took the opportunity of redundancy (I was offered a promotion with more travel and management responsibility which was just too much with DHs career also flying)

I now have DC3 and do freelance consulting for my old company. I earn more than twice my day rate when I was an employee. I work mainly from home around the DCs and just do a couple of projects per year. The rest of the time (about 9 months) I am a SAHM. I earn almost half of what I did, but only work 1/4 of the time.

DH and I have always scared everything so there are no money concerns.

If you are confident in your relationship, step off the treadmill but keep your options open and keep up with old colleagues. You may find there are more opportunities to keep your career going than you realise.

I completely understand about burnout and the fact you want to escape. It's not healthy to stay in a job you don't like and you absolutely should leave if that's the case. But there are actually a host of things you could do - a post-graduate degree, train as a teacher, move to another job, discuss with your current employer whether there are other opportunities you could pursue (it's not as though you have anything to lose if you're just going to quit anyway). Do the 'where will I be in five years' time' thought experiment, that's always a good thing to do.

I'd say it really depends what your aspirations are. If you think you might take a few years off but then pick up your career again, I'd say you should think very hard before you do it.

I did it, a few years ago, and imagined for a long time that I would have no trouble walking back into a job. Several years of self-employment later, I'm looking for a job again and the reality is that I'm a much less attractive prospect than before I quit. I've already resigned myself to a substantial pay-cut if I do get something and I'm also considering retraining.

Perhaps try to answer these questions - how many people do you know in your industry who are in work after a career break and are they doing the sorts of things you might want to do? If you're thinking about self-employment, are you really, honestly a self-starter, and do you always finish what you start?

Well if you can afford it and you and DH are happy with that then why not.

I know it's a hard thing to give up a good job that you've worked so hard for, but you don't need anyone's permission And it doesn't need to mean a closed door forever if you play your cards right.

I heartily recommend it - so much more freedom people who think it must be boring must be very unimaginative IMO - though each to their own of course - which is, after all the point of feminism - equal choices for men and women.

If you and your DH are happy for you to be a SAHM - that's great. We are all dependent on other people all through our lives in different ways. It might or might not be considered to be taking a risk to be financially dependent on your DH - but that's up to you. In some/(most) situations it might not be wise to give up your financial independence but it's not immoral to choose to give it up. You'll be a team with distinct roles - he will be the breadwinner and you will be the main homemaker and family organiser - what on earth is wrong with that?

You can re-enter the world of work when your DS is older anyway.

Being there day in, day out for your children is as valuable and worthy as having a career.
If your husband is a decent man who understands that then go for it, your kids are only little for a short time, being a full time parent is not "sponging " off your husband/wife, it's an equal contribution as paid work.
It sounds like you are living to work rather than working to live, not a good situation for anyone.
You could retrain in another career if you wanted, or simply have a "job" .

I think you can do whatever works for you and your family - that's what feminism is. However I too think that dropping everything to suddenly plunge into SAHP-ing can be a bit of a shock to the system.

I note you've said PT work isnt possible in your role, but have you properly explored that? Big companies are often desperate to retain women at your level so it's worth having that discussion. You may be surprised at what they'll do - or what's coming up in their HR policies, I've worked with 2 companies in the last 6 months who are launching initiatives round supporting senior women through to board levels.

Alternatively - could you take a sabbatical? 3 months at home would help you see if SAHP is really right for you, before cutting the cord with your job.

I'm not saying any of this because I think you'd be letting the sisterhood down btw! But more that you have obviously worked really hard to get to where you are, and it's worth exploring if there's a way to make that work for you, now.

Reading your post I thought:

Your current job sounds like extremely hard work, even if you didn't have children. 15 hour days (assuming a 1 hour commute) is a lot.

You do have options other than carry on what you're doing / jack it in. Different companies, slightly different roles, you must have transferable skills, also has anyone tried to poach / headhunt you - I expect they have and if you move you can negotiate terms.

Have you considered a career coach, I used to work with some and I was a bit sceptical (because I'm like that ) but they were really good. Bringing an outside perspective and getting you to think about what you really want and how to achieve that.

That's what I thought when I read your post.

On SAH/WOH you should do what fits best in terms of your wants and needs and how that balances with your partner and family. There is no right or wrong or feminist answer here.

Could you apply for another job?
If the issue is you don't like your current job what is to stop you getting another. I know you have said your current job is high pressured. However with another employer the culture could be entirely different.

If you ignore the DC if you were unhappy and stressed with your job and without children you wouldn't slog it out. You would find a different job.

I am in the camp of maintain your financial independence. How you achieve that is your business but I think it should be a consideration. Life and people can be unpredictable.

Rj, I do actually agree, but I'm driven to give my answer from the not enjoying job perspective, and I'd give the same advice to he husband too (dp took a career break after a particularly tought time too)

It's why I said six months. Enough time for a good break, but also to quite possible realise that sahm isn't for you. By giving a review period you have an out if you need it with no need for further soul searching

I couldn't extrapolate from your post - which of you (you or DH) is more senior / earns more? That does't include career potential, which is also a consideration.

The reason I ask is that your post sounds fairly equal work and income wise, until it comes to giving up work, which of course sits with you...

Lucy I disagree here.

From a feminist perspective, have you considered the implications of both you and DH dropping a day at work?

From a practical perspective, you seem to be driven by the fact you don't enjoy your job. I am going to be brave and say that I think you will find being a sahm depressing and isolating after operating at the level you obivously had.

Also I would caution any woman in any relationship against giving up their earning power and being financially dependent upon their partner.

I don't really care if thats unpopular, I think you deserve someone to voice it so that you take it into your considerations, relationships board is full of women who never thought their relationship would end. I am not implying yours will but please, think about it.

Have you considered setting your own business up, becoming your own boss and working when you want to.
Or you could get dh to pay you for your childcare contribution as an employee.
I know, that sounds bad, but its your independence and a wage.
Of course it would go if you divorced, but not all marriages end in divorce you could still be just as happy in 30 years.

The idea that feminists oppose women who wish to stay at home is a load of old bollocks. I've not seen anyone (worth listening to) say that being a SAHM makes you less of a feminist or less of a woman. However, as Buffy says, it can put women at a disadvantage if, 10-15 years down the line the husband leaves and the woman is left with a 10-15 year gap in her work record and with children and a mortgage to support.

Lucy, you must do what it best for you and your family. If taking a couple of years out and doing something less formal with your skills would be best, then do that, no one here will judge you.

How old is your ds?

Forget even the sahm bit, if you've reached a plateau, and you're not enjoying it, and you can, then take a career break. Best thing ever, taking a 6 month break every 5-10 years, refreshed you, gives you a chance to look around and figure out what you want to do next, plus in your case you get to stay with your kid for a bit.

Do it. There will always be more jobs.