why do women marry older men and is this a feminist issue?

I dated a man 20 years older when I was 19. I didn't even find him attractive. I was vulnerable and young for my age. He basically just wore me down. I made excuses. He was separated from his wife (he actually was!) but living in the same house. I said I wouldn't go out with him while he was still in the family home thinking that would get rid of him, but he took a room in a shared house near me and then he was able to manipulate and guilt trip me into a relationship and could hang outside my house all night because no-one was expecting him home. I was isolated and there was no-one I trusted who could have told me I didn't have to go with him. But at the time I wouldn't have seen myself as exploited!

In general there is the fact that older men aren't seen in the same way as older women, they're 'silver foxes' and they 'just get better with age' apparently. So some older men have no shame about chasing after young women because they think they must be incredibly attractive now they've turning dusty and grey. It's an Emperor's New Clothes thing to a large extent. Who controls most of the media that tells us what to find attractive? Dusty old men.

DH is nine years older than I am, we married when I finished university and I started in a job. He had already started to build a career, so when we had a baby a year later and we felt childcare was too expensive, it didn't make sense for him to take a break from work. He was earning more than twice my wage.

If I had had nine years more in my job I am sure I would have been earning more, and perhaps I wouldn't have ended up as a SAHM. I don't think being a SAHM is a bad thing, but I can see our choices were influenced by the age difference, yes.

It was the first time I had dated anyone significantly older, and the first time he had dated anyone significantly younger. So I can't really say why women go for older men and vice versa - it wasn't a set pattern for me or DH.

Sorry, that was to Petula

I agree with you about how our very physiology as women can put us at a disadvantage in the careers 'system.' I spent so many years get my academic qualifications and in some ways wish I hadn't because I love the job I do now and wish I could have started it sooner. But I am 29 and DH will be 40 soon and we want to start a family. And I definitely mean 'we.' I enjoy being at work and know that once we have children, I most likely won't be able to throw myself into my job with such gusto.

From what I see around me, it is still women whose careers take a back seat. My DH earns 3 times what I do and if anyone has to take the longer period of parental leave, it will be me.

I agree knickerful - it's not likely to be the only factor, but people will make their choice from within the range of options that they can afford

Slightly, I don't think it's purely on that, but it's a factor. Especially if household income is such that childcare is the same or more than one net salary.

I totally agree with you, OP.

I'm not going to read the replies because they'll probably make me & but yes it is a trend and yes it is a feminist issue as yes it does impact on career progression/salary and then on sahm decision making.

Personally I've always been perplexed as to why women generally go for older men. My last 2 DPs have been 1 & 2 years older than me but before that my relationships were with younger guys.

Doesn't this assume that couples make the decision on primary childcarer on a purely rational basis of higher earner at the time of childbirth, when in reality like anything else it's a lot more complex and many influences aren't that obvious.

Like the way the man's surname is somehow more often the nicest sounding one, the easiest to pronounce, the least unusual so least likely to cause teasing for the kids, the most uncommon so most in need of being passed on, etc etc.

X-post with you there agent - that wasn't a response to your post, which gives a really interesring perspective

It's not really a problem with the age difference though is it? it's the fact that the way our "careers system" (for want of a better phrase) is built still reflects the old stereotypical pattern where a man would establish himself over 20 or so years and then when he could support a family he found himself a (usually younger) wife. The trouble is of course that for women those 20 years coincide with their fertile years, so if they want to have children and a career they are likely in many professions to be pushing ahead with both at the same time, add to that the expectation (which is still there at society level) that they should take on the greater burden of childcare and related household duties, so many are very stretched.

Which is why the working world needs to continue to become more diverse and flexible, so having children doesn't disproportionately affect women's careers, parents who have taken time out from work to care for children and then want to go back to paid employment shouldn't be written off as having no skills, it should become more normalised for men to take on more of the child-related work so there aren't assumptions about what an female employee of childbearing age is going to do/be once she has children etc

There needs to be more of a holistic whole-life view of careers and family life at a society level.

DH is 10 years my senior and, while we are very happy and he does work with me to keep our partnership as equal as we can, i think it can be a feminist issue.

I was 21 when we started going out, he had just turned 32. Now when I look back, I think I was a baby! But I thought I was mature for my age and that I had lived a lot already. I was also a student and continued to be for quite some time as I went on to complete a PhD. So there were times when I was bringing in very little money (when my stipend ended and I still had some work to do on my thesis especially). We don't have a joint account but I pay him monthly by standing order for our bills, split percentage-wise according to what we earn. When I was earning very little, he paid the bills and I was extremely lucky that we could do that. But I felt I had lost so much independence and I hated it. I just wouldn't ask him for money, though he would have given it to me, so I was getting by on about a tenner a week for travel, lunch etc. If I didn't have an earning partner, I would have been entitled to JSA but as things stood, I wasn't. It made me realise that, if things ever went wrong between us (though I doubt they will), I would be completely beholden to him and would struggle to leave if I had no income of my own.

When I was younger, I used to agree to things that I never would now. When I was 21, his ex came over from abroad and he didn't want to hurt her so asked if I could stay away for the duration of her trip (just a weekend). I was so young and this was my first 'proper' relationship, I agreed to it but was so upset. I would fucking blow the house down if he dared suggest that to the now 29 year old me. One evening when I was about 23, we had a fight and he demanded I get out of his house and go back to my mum and dad's on the other side of the city. As I had recent moved back in with them to save money, I had nowhere else to go so I had to do it. I felt utterly humiliated.

We've spoken about these events since and he recognises how much he hurt me. Our communication is a lot better. I do wonder, though, if I hadn't been so young and unsure of myself and in love with a man who was more experienced and older than me, would I have stayed?

It sounds awful, but I'm glad I did because our relationship is very good now. I am earning enough to support myself if necessary and he knows I don take any shit. The problems we've had, I truly believe, have led to better understanding, empathy and communication between us.

My father in law is just a couple of years older than my dh. This kind of thing isn't really strange nowadays. I would go out with a younger man, but I wouldn't be in a relationship with a significantly older man. I would feel we would be less likely to have anything in common

Interesting.

I married a man 13 years my senior. We got together when I was 24 and he was 37. I was at the beginning of my career, he was very much established and earning four times what I did.

What kept that inequality (of status and earning power) going wasnt our relationship, but the fact that I had a child at 27. That was what fucked my career, really. I didnt really understand at that time that climbing the career ladder with a baby wasnt going to be do-able in my field.

If I had waited until I was 35 to have a baby, and had been very much established in my career, I dont think the age difference in our relationship would have had any relevance.

In wider terms, yes of course there is a double standard with the older woman/younger man thing and I suppose that is a feminist issue. I'm 38 now and cannot imagine ever finding a 24 yr old attractive beyond pure aesthetics. I'm pretty sure my youthful good looks were what initially attracted DH, too, if I am honest...although obviously my amazing personality was what hooked him .

I guess one reason is that older men are 'mature' and older women are 'past it'?

So yes, it's a feminist issue.

It's an interesting one, isn't it? Oddly, I have occasionally noticed people who judge slightly when women are with younger men. My granny (long gone, bless her) used to comment a bit. I think for her it was subconsciously tied up with the idea that the man ought to be the leader, the dominant one, and that comes naturally with being older.

However, I was chatting to a very successful female professor the other day, and she explained (very sweetly) how her husband had been 20 years older, and when they had children, he felt it was her 'turn' to get the time on her career, which is how she ended up as a prof when most of her female colleagues who had children don't. I thought that was quite hopeful, as she's near retirement age, so some men have been doing the decent thing for a very long time, and there are good examples to follow.

It's quite shocking when you see the difference between the number of women who marry men 2-3 years older and the number who marry men 2-3 years younger. That kind of age gap shouldn't make a difference either way so why is it so much more acceptable to marry a man 2 years older than 2 years younger?

I've only ever dated one person older than me and he was only a few months older. I think every other person I've gone out with has been younger than me and in every case I got comments about having a toyboy.

DH and I share the childcare, in our case I didn't want children and it's only because he was so keen to have kids and be a really active father that we did. Going back to work wasn't an issue, we both went part time but both have good jobs so could afford the childcare. I think the fact that women are encouraged into lower paid careers has more of an impact than age of your DH when deciding to return to work, if you are 30 and in a professional role then you are probably earning enough to cover childcare costs unless you are in London.

DH and I didn't discuss when we were dating. We discussed when I was pregnant.

I do agree with you that it is ridiculous that it as a woman you will do it just because you gave birth. What is wrong with dads doing all the maternity leave and mums working?

Not really I wouldn't be a default carer. Dh has completed my maternity leaves for me twice from birth. He knew I had lots of ambitions, and would be like that. It was decided in our teenage years that he would be in that role. There are a lot of people that think women should do it, and then just drift in to things. It is seen a lot on here with women saying I took a year off then drifted in to it. A surprising number of couples don't sort these issues out in the dating stage.

Looking around me I also see most marriages being much more even age-wise (DP and I, my siblings and their partners, all within a year of each other)

I think it is more even that way - although in every partnership I know it's been the woman still who's stayed home, even though each of those women is degree educated. In that, I think it's more dependent on the age of first child - I'm seeing the younger women more OK about leaving their job to look after the kids, and the older ones (like me) struggling more and chomping at the bit to get back to work.

I agree with Citrus though - the sooner people can realistically do a three day week each the better.

i mean yes, these things should be discussed and considered at the earliest opportunity, it's what people who plan to have children do in a healthy and equal relationship

but it did sound rather as though a man can and should assume that the woman will be primary carer unless she gives sufficient notice otherwise

that sounds like the default assumption SHOULD be that the woman will be the primary carer yummyfairycake, unless she specifies otherwise with sufficient notice

If a woman does not want to be primary carer, then it should be discussed before marriage. Dh knew from the outset I would never consider sah, even though we have/plan to have a large family. As this had been discussed pre-marriage when we did have children there were no surprises.