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Original poster

A really self-indulgent thread about sexuality and feminism and whether it's just me.

105 replies

NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 26/01/2015 20:35

As the title says. I've NC because my usual name(s) are both pretty obvious, but if you're especially keen to figure it out PM me - I just don't want to die of shame by having this memorialised on the net.

So, my totally non-identifying (!) backstory. I'm bisexual, I've been out since I was in my teens. I've been in relationships with men because, frankly, it's a damn sight easier. Only, I've got more and more into feminism. I have had quite a lot of conversations, some of them with people on here, where people say that if they weren't with their current (male) partner, they don't know if they'd seek out another male partner - not because we don't like men, but because it is stressful.

I wondered if anyone would like to talk about that?

I'm currently single, and dating, and I keep on thinking, wow, I really don't want to go through the hassle of coping with someone else's male ego. Which feels horribly bigoted of me.

I must admit I also feel faintly embarrassed to be doing a teenage 'questioning my identity' because, for goodness' sake, I've been out for more than half my life and it really shouldn't feel as if I have to explain myself. And yet, I do.

Please patronize me gently, keep the eye rolling to yourselves, etc.

OP posts:
Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 27/01/2015 06:44

Oh, sorry, and blistory, no, I can't imagine she would have the slightest problem with that. It is possible we'd argue over queer theory. That is something I can live with (though I do really notice it as a general issue outside MN, as I said to upand).

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Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 27/01/2015 06:42

Hi, sorry, I went to bed so missed the last few posts. Thank you for the nice comments and the robust 'get over yourself' message, too.

But, I think you've misunderstood (!) though I can see why now I'm reading back. I was referring back to yonic's post about education and feminism when I said I think I'm not good enough at that (so it's not that a huge part of my identity has been Great Educator of Men).

And, if you find this to be over-thinking, and dull, that's totally valid. I did admit this is a self-indulgent thread. Blush

What I'm curious about is, there are a few people on this thread who're saying if they split up with male partners, they wouldn't seek out someone else. Is this because, as feminists, they've started (excuse me talking about you in the third person!) feeling uncomfortable with heterosexual relationships and the power dynamics that come with them? Or because (like irene), they no longer feel the need to bow to that patriarchial 'OMG, single woman must need man' pressure?

I wondered if it might not be just that sense 'I don't want to go through the process again'? Because it seems to me that an awful lot of men are perfectly nice and decent and I am sure I could go out and find someone and fall in love. And so could most of us on this thread. And once we got to a certain point in the relationship, it'd be fine. But there is a huge amount of work there.

Anyway - back to the feminist bit.

It seems to me that, when you're starting into a relationship with someone, what makes it is developing a sense that the two of you understand each other. You know, you have those conversations where you feel terribly pleased the other person got your joke, or liked what you liked. But, with some elements of life, if you're talking to someone of the opposite sex, you are at more of a distance (which has been conditioned in). So, you are communicating at a greater distance, or translating more, or whatever. I'm not sure this is a bad thing. But I think it means that there is more of you, as a person, that remains not obvious to the other person in that relationship.

Does that make any sense?

And please, if you hate this thread and find it wanky as all get-out, just ignore it.

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ElephantsAndMiasmas · 27/01/2015 01:34

I know you, I think :)

Please stop worrying about what anyone will think/whether you're too old to "question your identity"/not being good enough/worrying the "proper" lesbians will judge you or whatever it is.

In reality, if you meet a woman you like and strike up something with her, 99% of people you know will be fundamentally unbothered, except to be pleased for you. Given the type of people most feminists choose to have around in their lives (except family you can't choose), I think even if I - so far a sadly dull straight person - mentioned "my girlfriend" it would be the gossip of a few days and everyone would forget about it.

Only saying that because, yes, your relationships have been with men so you've never had to face the day to day stuff of being an overt, in your face, non-straight - of defying people's expectations (because, if only due to statistics, most people expect most people to be straight). And I can totally see why that would be nerve-racking.

And yet you don't want to chicken out because that will make you some kind of amateur bisexual who might be thought to only identify that way to be cool and edgy?

Please, just relax. You clearly want to get on with your life, so leave all these worries behind. Listen to "let it go" on loop 10 or 12 times maybe? :) Fingers crossed for you meeting and having a good time with a lovely person as you deserve, regardless of their gender.

Misspickle1 · 27/01/2015 00:29

I sat in peace for an hour today outside feeding the birds. Then I walked the dog by the river. Made a casserole for dd. I'm happy as a pig in muck. I love my job. No stress, no hassle.

Misspickle1 · 27/01/2015 00:27

I love it amantes. I can't see me ever changing. Why would I? I'm too selfish to change lol.
I just love a quiet life! I don't miss sex and let's face it what else are they any use for? Men are a pain in the ass.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 27/01/2015 00:17

Ooooh, I'm almost jealous! It's quite blissful, isn't it?

Misspickle1 · 27/01/2015 00:07

Well I'm nine years single amantes Grin

AmantesSuntAmentes · 27/01/2015 00:05

No, three years!

AmantesSuntAmentes · 27/01/2015 00:03

I'm ridiculously independent. It has offended the men I've been with but not the women I've been with Hmm

I haven't been with anyone for two years and I'm not intending to be for some time!

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 23:58

I'm comitt phobe Irene. No question. And I love it. I'm bolloxed if ANYONE is ever touching my TV remote or opening my fridge.

IrenetheQuaint · 26/01/2015 23:48

Relationships with other human beings are hard per se, though male privilege can certainly be bloody annoying. Or worse.

It's so hard to pick apart one's own sexuality, isn't it. As a happy militant spinster I am really not sure if underneath I am straight, gay, bisexual, asexual or just an unidentifiable commitmentphobe. But hey, I like my life so who cares.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 26/01/2015 23:44

Admittedly, I hadn't read the whole thread Blush

Misspickle, are you a LAM? Grin I read recently that there is a whole label dedicated to those who become or revert to lesbianism, after having children. Ergo, there must be billlions of LAMs! LAMs are a thing.

Wrt feminism. I realised I was bi (or of fluctuating sexuality or a LAM or whatever!), long before I realised I was inherently feministic in my views. Being into women doesn't benefit my feminist ideals. It benefits my Amazons of myth ones Grin

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 23:32

Kids are so adaptable. As long as they are loved they love you back!
If adults don't make a big deal of it then kids don't either.
What's all this bi stuff anyway. I might try it. I was saying to my dd tonight I can't imagine ever being with a bloke again.

AmantesSuntAmentes · 26/01/2015 23:24

...actually, it is relevant. I'm completely comfortable with being bi, as are my friends. I'm more than happy not to be with a male again! The only people I would like to be completely comfortable with it are my d,dc!

AmantesSuntAmentes · 26/01/2015 23:21

I'm bi. I won't be with men again. I mentioned this to my eldest (12) recently, because the dc have only been aware of me being with their father and one other male. In response, she said...

"MUM!...
You are SO freakin cool!" Grin

Not quite relevant but I felt the need to share!

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 23:17

People can really drive themselves unnecessarily round the bend.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 23:15

Why do people over think things all the time? Why can't people just be?
You know what you want! Go get it! If it happens it happens, if it doesn't then it doesn't.
Relax. Enjoy xxx

Blistory · 26/01/2015 22:56

Aah, just read the thread again.

This someone you have a thing for ? Does she have a problem with you being bi ? Is there a need to identify as a lesbian to fit into her life ? Because that way lies madness.

I get that there's a faux edgy, cool vibe surrounding sexual identity these days and that there's a backlash against those cool kids who are just experimenting. I can see why some lesbians could be cautious but surely if someone is lovely enough for you to like them, they're lovely enough to see that you're genuine and not just trying out women for fun ?

scallopsrgreat · 26/01/2015 22:43

Is there an element of worrying about missing out on the acceptance, conventionality, children (although that may not be too much of an issue nowadays, but more difficult than a heterosexual relationship) of being in a relationship with a man as opposed to a woman?

Blistory · 26/01/2015 22:34

Good enough for who ?

How many big life changes have you had this year ? Finding your way through all that is challenging even the good bits and now you're questioning whether something that is an intrinsic part of you is good enough ?

I know you're not looking for validation but you're light years ahead of where I was at your stage in life but self awareness can all too easily turn into an introspection that holds you back.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 22:28

Your problem is you spend way too much time worrying about what other people think.
Stop worrying and start living.

Misspickle1 · 26/01/2015 22:26

Not good enough for who?
Not good enough for you by the sounds of it.

Original poster
NotAnotherFuckingNamechange · 26/01/2015 22:19

I think it might be an age thing, upand. People on here are pretty much the only people I know who don't automatically use 'queer' and look surprised when you say you're bothered by it - but, because such a big part of my feminist discussion happens on here, I really don't feel comforable with it.

yonic - maybe so, dunno? I don't think so TBH. I really enjoy talking about feminism with women (I'd be in the wrong place if not!). I just mean, it's not like my male ex was some kind of unreconstructed misogynist or anything.

I think I feel as if I'm not good enough, you know?

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YonicScrewdriver · 26/01/2015 22:08

Do you think that maybe "educating" your male partners about feminism and how it mattered to you was almost a part of your relationship identity/serious relationships filter and you don't really know how to refocus that/pass that test with a woman?

Or... Not?!

Upandatem · 26/01/2015 22:06

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.