My mother just told me off for being "too feminist"...

Oh I see

I wanted me and my husband to share a surname with our kids and was too young and inexperienced to know options other than (i) change, (ii) don't change and kids have his name or (iii) double barrell and kids have his name. I think sometimes people on here get beaten up for not being imaginative in a vacuum.

Penguins - no, I'm speculating about what would happen if it was your first name and not your surname that changed.

Although I daresay you could be Mrs Ofpeter Smith-Jones if you wished, then your children would have the same surname as you.

OMG on ironing socks and pants!

This year I had a christmas card addressed to Mrs Raspberry marriedsurname even though the sender knew I split with exH 2 years ago and have FB account in my maiden name (I'm FB friends with sender of card). Apparently even when no longer together it is still more acceptable to address you as Mrs previousmarriedsurname than risk Ms Maidenname. Maybe it was the possibility of having to use Ms that offended them.

Oh please retort (I know it's too late but somehow work it into a conversation) "My name has been Bagel Fiend for years and years! Why would I change it now?"

Don't you mean Mrs Jane OfPeter?

(Actually I know what would happen - MN would be full of women saying, "Well, I always hated the name Jane..." )

Okay, fair enough. So if you didn't become Mrs Jane Jones but Mrs Ofpeter Smith.

In fairness, even many women who have changed their name.object to Mrs Peter Jones. I damn well would.

It honestly amazes me how many of my friends (all of whom would self-identify as feminists) changed their names on marriage, without even really thinking about. That "it's what you do" mentality is so pernicious. Also, I guess the months before a wedding are so stressful anyway, and women are at their most loved-up and man-pleasy.

I wonder whether if the system suddenly changed and you didn't go from being Miss Jane Smith to being Mrs Peter Jones, but went from being Jane to being Ofpeter, women would think a bit more about it.

Indeed - smallpox: "it's been that way for years, why change it now?"

Sounds like she's reflecting the values of her arse-ish partner. Has she always been so extreme?

Yay Penguins!

Nolim - yes, you will. Every single one of my friends addresses Christmas cards to us as Mr and Mrs DHsurname, including the one I quoted in my first post. I didn't tell people I was keeping mine unless they asked, I assumed no one would have the cheek to start calling me Mrs DHsurname without me asking them to, how wrong I was! Apparently it's very insulting to some married women if you address them as Miss or Ms Ownsurname if you aren't sure they've changed. To top it all I was on a thread the other week where people were saying YABVU to ask a woman if they are changing their surname on marriage as it's none of your business and a loaded question, depending one what you did yourself. It's a minefield.

Tribpot: looking forward to moan about it!

Bagel: who would want their socks ironed and why???

Whoknows- I am gradually ditching Mrs. There you go, you know someone now.

Yes, Nolim, I assure you you will get Christmas cards addressed to Mr and Mrs Smith. Fortunately we have a thread on here every year to moan about it

Well the obvious solution to the problem of you wanting the same name as your children is to give them your surname. The other option is to double-barrel but continue to use your own surname in general conversation, child thus has both.

That said for me it was very important not to change my name, but not at all important to have the same name as ds. I haven't shared a surname with my mother since I was 7 when she remarried. It has never made the slightest jot of difference to my relationship with her. But I would worry about that down the line when the time comes.

"It's been that way for years" is true of lots of things - like slavery. Is that a reason not to try and change things?!

If I had my time again I think I'd keep my name and double barrell the kids.

I kept my name. Even DH's 90 year old nan addresses birthday and Christmas cards to me correctoy. But for some reason my brothers partner has a major issue with me keeping my name (they aren't married) and always sends me cards addressed to Mrs DH's name. She's a similar age to me so I can't understand why she has such a problem with my decision.

I didn't change my name but still get the Mr and Mrs DHname thing.

Ironing children's pants and socks?

(I nearly typed cocks there. Which would be even more . )

I dont see any advantage of changing ones name upon marriage. It seems to ve a big deal for some people and that is fine but i just dont see the appeal. So we wont be getting xmas cards addressed to mr and mrs smith or the smiths. Big deal.

My mum's made some iffy comments about rape, which makes me laugh (angry, bitter laughs) as I know what she's been through in her life. She has a bit of that 'boys will be boys' thing in her too bagel.

I didn't change mine, it has been no bother and it means I don't have to use Mrs (I know I wouldn't have to anyway, but I don't know anyone who uses Ms having taken their husband's surname, Mrs seems to still be the default in that scenario). DCs have DH's name, which I know isn't really the feminist option but is fine with me personally.

When I told my mum I wasn't changing it she looked a bit wistful and said if she had her time again she wouldn't have changed hers . One of my friends on the other hand gasped in horror and said "but how will anyone know you're married?" . Well, they could ask me, or look at my left hand.