How do you reconcile having a relationship with a man and your feminism, are they fundamentally incompatible?

Yeah my DP has the dad vibe when he's dancing, I don't know if that's a consolation?

But honestly it's not a high bar. He has a sense of justice and can be reasoned with - that's all it takes.

DP does not dance like a god, but he does do all the kind, respectful, thoughtful stuff. I'm not sure he'd ever describe himself as a feminist, but he just doesn't do sexism. He was raised by a single mum, with only sisters and has always worked in female dominated industries, which probably makes a difference.

I have 2 DSs and I hope we can raise them to be feminist/ feminist supporting.

My DP is concerned about oppression of all kinds, and he is willing to listen and learn. He trusts my judgement, politically and ethically.

He wasn't necessarily feminist when I met him, because his ex-Ps weren't, and because he did the thing of not noticing, recognising or questioning those inequalities. It's also the case that his elderly mum is sexist to the point of only wanting grandsons, thinks women are bitchy, irrational and not as intelligent as men.

But he's vocally an ally in his attitudes now, he calls out sexist behaviour and is honestly concerned and committed to countering sexist culture for our children. When first we got together, he admitted to some very non-feminist laddism in his past but was so up for discussing and revising his perspective.

You don't need a feminist - just someone with a sense of justice and the capacity to see things from your perspective.

I'm glad I'm not the only one Alice!

Oh I wish there were more feminist men. Would it be asking too much to find a man who dances like a god and is also a feminist?! Hmmmm maybe my standards are too high...

I am married to a feminist man who considers me his equal in every way, and we are the parents of three feminist young men. I have my MIL to thank for bringing DH up the way she did - unusual for a woman of her generation and conservative, religious background. I couldn't be in a relationship with a man who didn't respect me and treat me as his equal.

I have very high standards regarding equality and respect. My parents have a very equal marriage and raised me with high self worth. Although I am a feminist, I am not a feminism activist. I don't talk a lot about feminism at home though my dh and I have both talked about high profile campaigns like no more page three and the everyday sexism project.

My dh grew up pulling his own weight in a home with a strong, working single mother and has never presumed ever that I would do more in the house due to being female. He was also 35 when I met him so had functioned as a responsible adult for long enough that he was perfectly capable of keeping a home.

Having said that, he does work in a male dominated sexist industry. And is a bit uncomfortable as the only man in groups of women (whereas I barely notice if I'm the only female in a group). He's not the most feminist man I know. But he is kind and open minded and thats what matters most to me.

I also don't get how you all managed to find such enlightened men!

I'm quite envious of you posters married to feminist men. I can count on one hand the number of anywhere near approaching feminist men I've met in my life. Maybe it's because I've lived in a very conservative area of the country but the culture I have grown up in very much has that "boys will be boys" / men are from mars approach that kind of expects men to be a bit sexist or macho and doesn't really blame them.

But to be honest I don't really care anymore because there are so many other things in life that make you happy, like children and friends, dancing and acquiring as much knowledge as possible. So OP, don't settle.

Well I just dumped someone for a piece of casual humour that I found demeaning and sexist. So at this point, yes. I think my tolerance is less now - I let my ex away with much more than I would tolerate now, but in my defence I was a mere child when me and him started dating.

Er, I did not mean for my "They do exist." to sound snotty, sorry.

Also re:this I'm less able to tolerate even casual sexism in a partner -- fuck yes Good for you. It's not like being able to tolerate it actually allows you to have a truly happy relationship, after all, just a relationship in which you are happy as long as you don't mind always coming second.

I married a feminist man. They do exist. I am sure there are not enough of them, but as I quickly flip through what I know of my female friends' husbands, I think they are feminists.

This doesn't mean my female friends don't struggle with issues in their marriages re: equal balance of work/free time, who carries the invisible responsibilities, etc., but from what I have heard and seen over the years, their husbands are, consciously, feminists.

And Scarlet I think this goes to what you are saying in your OP -- though my husband/their husbands are consciously feminist thinkers, they have absolutely been affected by being raised in a world of male privilege, so sometimes they have unconsciously done things that I/their wives have found sexist. Nothing terrible, but sure, making assumptions about whose job something is or whether a problem is "reasonable" for me/their wives to have, yes, occasionally. But b/c they are feminists, they're willing to listen to what's pointed out to them, to try to recognize sexist behavior on their part w/out even having it pointed out, and to change it. Makes a huge difference.

Sorry if that was too off topic
Just having seen it first hand my tolerance for men who okay that shit is ZERO

Disclosure: at university I worked in a lap dancing club. I thought it was funny at first then it quickly ground me down - how degrading it really was - as the men really did not respect us or any women really at all. It was so horrible.

I see how even female bar staff and waitresses who depend on tips feel they have to smile and put up with harassment in order to make money.

Elliot & myempire - yes this stuff is so accepted by society and even a lot of "mainstream" feminism unfortunately believes it is empowering and sex positive! Luckily there are campaigns such as stop porn culture which are starting to have some impact

The major stumbling block I've found with relationships since I've had my eyes opened to feminism is the attitude a lot of men seem to have towards porn. One of the men I got to know recently said watching porn made him a feminist because he was supporting a woman's right to be sexual. Um, no.

I realised after I wrote that that it might seem intrusive or accusatory, and it wasn't mean to be. Sorry. I was going to ask something else, but it would get away from the OP slightly. Back to reading only!

& it's more my business if it's my partner who is doing it rather than a friend ..

Yes I think there is a difference between friends and partners but no I wouldn't have friends who were misogynist either!! And it's not as relevant since women do not tend to do those things so much. If my female friend watched porn I'd try to educate her about it but yes the point of this thread is about romantic partnerships not friendships

what do you mean nojacketrequired?

this thread is about having a relationship with a man