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Original poster

DS has started saying dodgy things...

40 replies

messyisthenewtidy · 10/10/2014 18:57

Ever since he started a new school he's been coming out with stuff like "women aren't funny" , "girls shouldn't roll up their skirts if they don't want the boys to make comments", plus we had a chat about videogames and violence because someone in his class had made a comment about enjoying finding women and stabbing them (in the game) . When I said that was wrong he said "there's nothing wrong, it's just a game".

Every time I tackle it and talk about the complexities behind each issue I feel like I'm lecturing and we get into an argument. I feel like he's looking at the way the world is set up and coming to the conclusion that men are better. I'm not sure how to tackle these things without him thinking that I'm attacking men. Any ideas? He's 13.

OP posts:
FuckOffFerret · 11/10/2014 20:17

That would all really upset me :( Luckily my boys are still young so not a worry yet.

"What would you think if someone did that/felt that way about (favorite girl cousin)?

I'm not sure if I agree with ATP55s post though, but I see where they are going. Rather than having your son identifying women with a family member of his I think it is important he identify with the women as people in their own right.

Go through the statistics with your son about how 90% of murder and 98% of sexual violence is perpetrated by men. And is how would he feel if he were the "second sex" and that was a genuine worry for him. Would he see it as just a game then? If he went out to play football with his male friends and one of them found him sexually attractive, would it be OK if they made inappropriate advances or comments about him because he had his shirt off? Women really do get sexually assaulted and comments all lead up to people thinking it is Ok. He needs to understand that.

Original poster
messyisthenewtidy · 11/10/2014 18:12

Yes, I'm not sure why the idea of delighting in stabbing virtual women makes me more Shock than killing virtual men, that's one for feminist therapy!

The funny women thing, he watches a lot of all-male panel talk shows with the odd token female thrown in. He thinks that Jo Brand is funny and did concede that Sue Perkins was hilarious so at least that's something.

I reminded him of all the times he has to sit through me and my girlfriends laughing our heads off, bored out of his skull cos he doesn't understand what's so funny to demonstrate that there are just different types of funny. But what we see on TV is usually what men find funny.

Thanks for the sympathy! I think I have to hunker down and brace myself for the teenage macho bravado!

OP posts:
Optimist1 · 11/10/2014 17:14

The school should be made aware of a) sexist talk and b) inappropriate games. For your part, you don't always need to relate the comments to females - for example "Stabbing someone for entertainment is vile, even when it's in a game." Being aware of how we treat other people is the first step to treating women equally, surely?

I agree with PPs that he's probably just trying to big it up with this talk, but don't let it pass unremarked, OP.

I sympathise with you, and thank goodness that my kids are past all the teenage bravado.

Biscoff · 11/10/2014 17:02

I'm saddened that it starts so young. Makes me sad for my son and my daughter.

StickEm · 11/10/2014 16:30

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StickEm · 11/10/2014 16:30

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AcrossthePond55 · 10/10/2014 22:36

I think I'd keep an eye ear on his friends. Have them over to play games or 'hang out' & eavesdrop shamelessly. Sounds more like things he'd hear from friends to me. You don't need to play GTA to hear misogynistic garbage from your mates.

It's so hard at that age, they get so defensive. I usually would try to not get too het up, but would personalize things for my two sons (now 30 and 25). As in 'Would you like someone to say that about me?" or "What would you think if someone did that/felt that way about (favorite girl cousin)?" which of course they wouldn't want, then "Well, then it's not right to say/do that to any female". It would usually get them thinking at least a bit. Discussing things in the light of the 'greater social issue' at that age usually got me an eye roll or (as you found) accusations of lecturing.

Sabrinnnnnnnna · 10/10/2014 21:31

What video games is he playing? Sounds like GTA or something 18+ that he shouldn't be playing at this age.

I feel your pain - my dh had a long chat with our ds about certain video games and why he shouldn't play them, and about how women and violence are depicted in them. It obvs went in one ear and out the other though, because we caught him sneaking GTA5 and COD in (lent by a friend Hmm )

I guess we just keep plugging away and hope they get it eventually

Original poster
messyisthenewtidy · 10/10/2014 20:37

No, it's co ed. I think I'll raise the videogame issue with them. Not sure wgat they can do but it's bad enough to warrant something.

OP posts:
Littlebluebutterflies · 10/10/2014 20:34

Is it a single sex school?

SevenZarkSeven · 10/10/2014 20:33

Yes that thing PHSE that's the thing Smile

If they are talking about stuff it's worth them knowing there are some shocking attitudes and maybe look to address that within the structure they have.

TeWiSavesTheDay · 10/10/2014 20:29

I'm sure he is trying to fit in, I can't speak tor the dynamic of kids I can never met but it can be cool to be relaxed about everything to the point of daftness.

Might be worth asking the school if they address any of these issues in PSHE?

Original poster
messyisthenewtidy · 10/10/2014 19:18

Sorry, Biscoff, are you Shock at the stabbing comment? Because so was I. But I don't understand why is he just brushing it off as if it's not important - is that normal? He's always been such an empathic boy but lately has become so cynical. I think he's just trying to fit in at school but really I don't want him to become one of those privileged entitled people who can't see life from the side of people who haven't been as lucky as him.

OP posts:
SevenZarkSeven · 10/10/2014 19:07

Is it something you could raise with the school?

It seems his attitudes are coming from there, his comments are about things at school. and the children there.

Maybe they would consider doing something? Don't know what, my children are only little so I don't know how these things work.

Biscoff · 10/10/2014 19:01

Fucking hell.