How to be a feminist father ...

Sorry yama I had missed your reply

Oh and your user name. You have defined yourself by your role within your family (your relationship to your wife, the number of sons you have, (i really hope your son is older) then the number of daughters you have). The language is casually patriarchal.

I wonder whetherif your dd did something good you would be "proud of you" "proud of your daughter" or "proud to call her your daughter"

Yes, I see what you are saying Coffee. What I really wanted to say (when I typed my first response) was that my dh, as an intelligent human being, knows how to parent his children.

Our dd doesn't automatically defer to his authority. Good, we are raising human beings, not automatons.

Try not to use gendered words even in ways which seem harmless like "Dads do X, Mums do Y" instead make it either individual (Daddy likes X, mummy likes Y) or about the whole family "The XXX family are always polite!"

Be encouraging when she starts dating. Trust her to make a judgement. Don't make it about "No man good enough for my little girl" etc. Also, don't show disgust if/when she talks about menstruation. She'll probably naturally prefer to speak to her mum about in depth issues, but she should be able to ask you to pick up some tampax or whatever without you being embarrassed about it.

Sorry that might be a bit harsh but for someone who claims to read mumsnet regularly to use the possessional my as opposed to the mumsnet convention and non possesional DD really jars.

But Im finding your language is really jarring with what you are saying. Particularly with your wife being able to set you straight but you're daughter would defer to your authority. There already feels like you have an assumption of being the ultimate authority in your house which already smacks of casual patriarchy.

Patronising is assuming that it is enough to keep your awareness up by attending a few lectures and reading a forum as opposed to looking at ways to apply what you read to your own daily life.

I wonder if you asked your dw why she out of the blue usually finds you patronising.

Yes, the Equality Illusion is good (and available in lots of libraries).

What age primary school OP - there is a hell of a difference between 4 and 11? What do you think of the comments so far?

The Equality Illusion is an excellent - and v easy read - which will open your eyes to what she (and every other female) faces throughout their lives.

Definitely echo the advice so far as well - model a great, equal, respectful relationship with your wife. If she grows up with dad showing mum respect she is more likely to look for that, and expect it, in her own relationships.

By not referring to your daughter as "my girl"

Cinderella ate my daughter is brilliant. Plus there's the See Jane project by Geena Davis, about the representation of girls on TV.

looking back my DF always used to tell me I took things too seriously when I engaged in proto feminist analysis which used to drive me potty. I'm sure sometimes I was over thinking but it's good to hear your DD out, it's her experience after all and therefore valid.

but you probably will do anyway because you sound like a great dad

Never saying 'the boys ..,, and the girls ..,,'
As my ds are setting older, I'm noticing the need to reinforce the fact that it's not 'the girls in the cricket team xxx' but just team mates etc...
Oh it goes wo saying but expecting girls to fight and be noisy etc(ie boys attributes) and your ds to also have girls attributes (ie being gentle).
Listen to yourself and what you say to them and reverse it. It's ok to expect a bit to be tidy and gentle and liking stories/making up stories and a girl to be adventurous and looking maths/science books or climbing at the top of the tree.

Wifework by Susan Maushart. Definitely. And perhaps something like Cinderella ate my daughter? I haven't read it but I've heard it's quite good.

We talk a lot about gender and socialisation. We have to, try to counteract the crap dd hears at school from her peers. Dh is very good at talking to/with the dc.

50/50 with all household stuff, including the thinking. So, he makes sure homework is done, uniforms are clean and ironed, appointments are made/kept etc as well as doing the housework.

He has always put them to bed so that they are happy to be comforted by either of us.

One thing we have done since our eldest was very young is to have the house rule that all adverts must be muted. They really are ignored if muted.

I can't think of anything that dh does that has a negative impact on dd. Our ds is being brought up in her slipstream.

Pink Stinks and Let Toys be Toys are also good.

If you are more specific about her age , others might make specific recommendations, I'm going to shut up now!

What do you and DW model by way of balance of chores, respect for domestic, caring and paid work etc?

A Mighty Girl and Towards the Stars are two possible sites to follow on Facebook/twitter.

Do you automatically gender ungendered characters in books/IRL eg dinosaurs or motorcyclists as he? Use she. The rest of the world will be using he so it won't go too far the other way