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Original poster

how do i behave in a more feminist way towards myself?

32 replies

PetulaGordino · 09/09/2014 14:23

this is horribly self-indulgent, so apologies in advance. though hopefully others will use it as an opportunity to be self-indulgent too Grin

i've been thinking about the "women and confidence" thread, but i didn't want to derail it with my own issues.

i have ENORMOUS self-image / body image / self-confidence issues. massive history of ED which is now reasonably stable

when i think about, look at, interact with and talk about other women, behaving in a feminist way comes pretty naturally to me. i do have some socialised prejudices about the appearances of other women, but they are easily dismissed

but my internal monologue towards myself is relentlessly misogynist. my expectation of what i "should" look like is something i will never achieve, and yet i still berate myself for not achieving it. my other expectations of myself, which basically conform to the "perfect woman" in terms of success at work, in relationships, house, appearance, hobbies, being happy and confident etc, would be out of reach for almost anyone. even with all that i seem to expect myself to be the "perfect feminist", which is equally impossible. i don't have children yet, but i fear that if i do i will be overwhelmed with trying to be the "perfect mother" too. the main thing, which seems key, is that i seem to have an expectation of myself that i have failed if i have needs (food, affection, someone else's time and energy etc). the root causes are of course in my upbringing and socialisation (and not just about advertising Wink though of course it has played its role). rationally, i know it's all bullshit, but these thought processes are deeply ingrained, and it will take time to deprogramme myself from this effectively

i don't have anything like this sort of expectation of other women. so why do i think i should achieve these things and have failed if i haven't - am i some kind of special case? i'm not quite so self-obsessed as to imagine that

i should add that i have therapy which explores this as part of my ED treatment, so i'm not looking for that sort of support really, or really wanting to make this too much about me. i'm more interested to know if others have managed to overcome this, or if they have never experienced these sorts of feelings what their internal monologue is like

OP posts:
SevenZarkSeven · 09/09/2014 19:29

So you need to kind of learn how to give less of a fuck. Is that kind of it?

Tricky.

Are there any areas where you don't judge yourself against this terribly high bar, where you give yourself leeway, where you are satisfied with "good enough", where you feel pride for achievement rather than despondency unless you have prevailed entirely?

I am like you in some areas but not others. It would be interesting to see if you have any areas where you are more, relaxed for want of a better word, and what they are.

cailindana · 09/09/2014 19:02

For me, the big thing that changed my way of thinking was becoming very ill and believing I was going to die. NB - I would NOT recommend this method! It focused my mind a lot and I realised that on my death bed literally the only person there, in my head, would be me. And I would hate to have let her down. So I see her as a person that I owe a huge amount to and I treat her very kindly, I thank her for surviving and carrying me through life and I don't have any expectations of her that I don't have of other people.

I find that being kind to myself means I am very kind to other people. My capacity to forgive and let things go has increased massively, such that things that would have riled me up massively in the past might still bug me but I can work them out and let them go.

You will die one day. And how thin you were really won't matter.

Original poster
PetulaGordino · 09/09/2014 16:49

i absolutely agree with you - the way i feel about myself is far removed from feminist, and i don't apply that sort of thinking to the women and men around me

those are interesting and useful thought processes, thanks

OP posts:
SpaceStation · 09/09/2014 16:32

I think equality is a good place to start. Your worries about what you should be, how you should be, what feminism is, etc., are largely or exclusively about women. But if you are just obsessing about how a woman should be, whether in terms of her appearance, career, being a mother, etc or even whether she is feminist enough, then you're kind of wandering away from what, for me, is the point of feminism - equality with men.

I don't think feminism gets very far when it is about what women should be or do, even when that is well-intentioned. I find it much more constructive in my own life to apply the question of equality to all the situations that I deal with.

So, work - am I working to the same kinds of expectations a man would, is my pay equal, am I getting treated equally by bosses.

Body image - do I feel differently about what is expected of my appearance/weight etc. to what I expect of men? If so why and how can I adjust that?

Changing my name. I wouldn't, because my DP wouldn't. Equality achieved, end of internal debate.

Parenthood - am I sharing as equally as possible with DP, are we both getting an adequate break, are we demonstrating to our DC that gender equality is important?

There is no perfection, there is no 100% achievement record in real life. You do as well as you can but what is important in my book is that you should be held to the same standards as, and have the same breaks and rewards as, a man. I don't mean the exact same as obviously there are physical differences so allowing for that. But the same in esteem, responsibility and value.

Original poster
PetulaGordino · 09/09/2014 16:19

i don't know either. i'm sort of hoping that as i get older i'll just start giving less of a shit

but if i have daughters, anything i can do to inoculate them against this... i don't know if that's possible though

OP posts:
BuffyBotRebooted · 09/09/2014 15:34

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

WinifredTheLostDenver · 09/09/2014 15:21

Marking place, back later!