Is there any subtle way of challenging this?

I agree that Facebook is not the place to get into a discussion of this.

On the other hand, I was brought up never hearing a compliment on my appearance. I think once my father might have said that I looked smart in new school uniform. The words pretty, beautiful, attractive were never used, ever. By the time I got to the stage of having terrible skin as a teenager, my self esteem was at rock bottom, even when I got a bit older and my looks improved.

So when a toe rag in the upper sixth asked me if I wanted to have a sexual arrangement with him, not a relationship and keep it secret , I was so gasping for attention that I actually said yes without a second thought about whether I actually deserved a bit more. I was quite happy to be 'used' and didn't question whether or not this was fair. Thankfully I didn't actually have intercourse with him, although I am almost too ashamed to say why, but the whole entanglement was enough to distract me from my school work, close me off to the possibilities of genuine relationships and damage my confidence.

The above paragraph is about the most personal thing I have ever written on MN.

My question is, in this looks-focused culture, how do you build self-esteem, confidence and pride in girls? Because, from my own experience, not complimenting appearance doesn't necessarily mean that confidence in other elements of the self will be enough to fill its place.

I am pretty confident in myself now on a day-to-day basis, but if I probe the 'cracks' under pressure, a smaller girl inside me still desperately seeks approval.

I would put something like "and he's right, she is! And she's funny and climbs like a monkey too!"

I would just try to avoid using the word "clever" and replace it with "good effort", or "you worked hard and you achieved it", stuff like that.

As for the OP, personally I would avoid getting involved in this situation but some good suggestions above where you don't challenge the statement but add some compliments of your own.

Most people do not like being lectured about their parenting, probably more so on Facebook after a seemingly innocent comment. She will just think you are a bit loopy.

Ah, this is connected to the rise in narcissism. Zippey is half right, constantly calling a child 'clever', 'so talented' for no reason can end up problematic.
It's important to back a compliment with related evidence "that was a clever thing to do" or "when you did that, it was the best i have seen you do" sort of thing.

The problem a lot of young adults are dealing with is the notion that good looks make you a good person and that you can be "amazing" +aka famous) for no reason.

Incidently, pushing someone to have "good self esteem" can backfire if it's based on zero acheivement.
It breeds narcissism.

The suggestion is that calling a child clever lets them believe this, so they tend to not try as hard and consequently achieve less.

You are supposed to put emphasis on effort and working hard.

Here are a couple of links:

www.forbes.com/sites/learnvest/2012/10/10/want-your-child-to-succeed-dont-do-these-four-things/

www.scientificamerican.com/article/the-secret-to-raising-smart-kids/

More stuff if you google it.

There is evidence to suggest telling a child they are clever is counter productive.

Thanks.

That's quite sweet actually capsium

^ As in not only beautiful but also...[compliment of your choice].

If you know the daughter why not add some more compliments which you think might be more inspirational?

Have you got children OP?

Maybe respond with "ah, dd said almost the same thing to me the other day about how dp always tells her how funny and clever she is".

To be honest though if that's how your friend is she won't get it and calling attention to it might just piss her off. I'm right there with you though

It sounds like the sort of thing kids that age (and older) just say! Mine had grasped the concept that saying they loved me and DH was good and also that they should give reasons for things. So, "I love Mummy because she buys me cheese." Or, "I love Daddy because he makes me porridge."

I wouldn't be worried on the basis of a Facebook status, unless you know that's all she is ever praised for.

Challenging her on facebook, in front of (literally) all her friends, when she was trying to post something nice, while at the same time implying that her partner is sexist and her daughter is being taught the wrong things (ie you are a bad parent and your partner is rubbish) would be incredibly nasty and unnecessary. You're not her feminist guide and it's not up to you to comment on her life and set her on the straight and narrow.

I completely understand your problems with this, but wading in on someone else's life with your views - be that feminism, vegetarianism, religion, whatever, is not appropriate. If she's your friend, kindness comes first and didactic slapdowns come a very very distant second.

wouldn't have the guts to post.
Autocorrect has more backbone than me.

I think your way is quite harsh OP.

Why not post this to your timeline (next week) and tag her plus every mother to girls you know?

Thing is, you can't challenge anyone on anything on FB because it's a public forum and they feel like you're putting them on the spot. It's the equivalent of sitting in a big hall and you suddenly sitting up and asking a question with the mike of someone else in the audience - that person who might be perfectly amenable to discussing it over a cup of tea, will feel attacked and defensive if you do it in that arena with everyone else looking.

I think what your friend posted is really creepy and awful tbh, but I would really not tackle her about it in public, which is what you would be doing on FB.

It's not subtle, and it's compliments, I know, I know I'm a dick
I like the idea of finding a good post about the issue and tagging all parents, or just posting on your wall.
I do think it's a good sentence but I would have the guts to post it, things have a tendency to blow up unnecessarily on Facebook.

It is if you want to challenge this in a subtle way. I was going to suggest what Buffy has (minus the 'aw hun' FB bollocks as I have never typed that anywhere, other than in this post, in my life ). Just a 'She is beautiful and clever and kind and funny, bet her dad never stops telling her!'

I have to say I find the FB comment extremely creepy. She loves her dad because he says she is beautiful? If the dd had actually typed that (doubtful at 3!) it would seem extremely narcissistic.

I don't think I would challenge this in a 3 yr old. Sorry. I might talk about how clever/kind etc she is when u see her though.