What surname do your children have?

You've just made me think, Penguin, that's another reason why I would never change my surname if DP and I got married (which is extremely unlikely): to me, that would link me to my ILs and I wouldn't personally want to do that. I'd feel that I was rejecting my family in favour of his, and I don't particularly get on with the ILs.

I don't mind if someone collectively refers to us as the Xs, but I would never refer to us that way myself and it would feel totally wrong to use another surname as an individual. I can see why other people do it but as far as I am concerned my birth surname is for life.

Oh I don't feel that my name links me to my in-laws . I don't see the contradiction really. It's not that the name links me to people as such (my old name would have linked me with a good few thousand people including an old teacher and quite a number of colleagues). It's more than I like the symbolic link of sharing a name with my husband and children. I like the fact that we are the X's. I'd feel the same if was a new name we'd picked together (only I didn't blooming well think of that idea at the time).

Ah, see I don't feel the same about surnames, I don't feel mine links me to other people, obviously quite a lot of my family have it as well, but I don't feel any less connected with the ones that don't, which includes my DH and DCs. See, it seems to me that if a surname does make you feel linked to a group of people then that's a bit of a contradiction as for most people they are going to be closer to their own family than their ILs, and yet have the ILs name.

Mine's not as common as Smith but it's very run of the mill, however it's an integral part of me and I could never imagine changing it - if I did I think I would always feel as though the other surname was just a courtesy title.

I can see that view - that the changing of the name is like the wearing of a wedding ring. In which case, why wouldn't you 'take it off' when the marriage ends. But, for me, that isn't how I see it. I see it as having taken and chosen a new surname which is as much 'mine' as it is DH's, and which is as much my name as my 'maiden' name.

I also don't invest much identity in my surname. My maiden name is a very common name (think 'Smith') that I don't feel marks me out or shapes who I am. My Christian name, on the other hand, is unusual and defines me in a big way. You can say my first name only and most people would only know one person with that name. I could never, ever, change my first name. So maybe that is part of why I feel the way I do. My first name is 'me'. My surname is more delineating which group I belong to - and I belong with my nuclear family more than my parents, if that makes sense. And they with me.

My Dds have my name, we recently got married and their names will go my name, his name once we get around to it.

I tend to wonder why people don't change back, although I have never asked anyone, but like Thurlow I am coming from a position of not changing my name in the first place. From that POV it seems logical to me that if you change it at the start of a marriage you'd change it at the end, I can't imagine ever feeling that a surname I wasn't born with was mine. Obviously I differ from many people on this.

Additionally I have no issues with having a different surname to my DCs, but clearly that is an important factor for many people.

I'm guilty of thinking "why doesn't she change back?" - but only where there are no children involved. I completely get it where there are children involved and you want to keep the same surname as them.

However I suppose because I view changing names from a different perspective as someone who has decided to change their name, I don't quite get why you'd keep the surname from (and using an example from my own experience) a brief and failed marriage where there were no children, when you have happy ties with your own family.

But I do appreciate that is the view of someone who wouldn't have changed their own surname under any circumstance.

I've seen that a lot. The 'why didn't she change back' opinion. As far as I am concerned, I changed my name. I didn't 'take' my husband's name. And I certainly didn't borrow it.

My major reason for changing my name was to have a whole family name in future (and, pre-MN, I just didn't consider more creative and feminist ways of achieving this). I hope it never happens, but if DH and I ever separate, even if he has betrayed my trust in the most awful way and I can only just bear to be civil for the sake of the children, I will not see it as 'his' name to change away from. I will see it as my name.

I'm coming across an odd prejudice recently - I am 5 years separated from XH. I haven't changed my name, nor do I plan to. The children have the family name, and I have never understood the concept that I was somehow renting or borrowing "his" name for the duration of the marriage.

As far as I'm concerned, it's my name. Getting a lot of though, and apparently XH's GF doesn't like it. I use Ms, but I always did.

Just his name. We were married and although I kept my name I did strongly feel he should have his dad's name. This is because his dad isn't English and I felt that with DS growing up here it was important that he was given a clear signifiers of his non English identity. Also, in his dad's culture it's literally unheard of for children to have the mother's name unless she is raped or abandoned so it was just so important to him that I didn't want to challenge that. I chose to have a child with someone from a very different culture and accepted that some compromises would be necessary.
I don't regret it for a minute, he loves his name and it really helps him to fit in when he spends time in his dad's country which considering he doesn't speak much of the language, and appears Caucasian, is pretty significant.

We're married, I didn't change my name. The kids got DH's name. We're being traditional Scottish! It's not a problem having a different name to the kids and they all cope with it fine.

MIL is from South America, there everyone has their mother and their father's surname names. The male name gets carried down the generations though so e.g. Miss Smith-Wood and Mr Brown-Jones would get married, keep their own names, and their children would be Miss/Master Brown-Smith. So DH has an additional surname from when he lived in south america that he hasn't really used since he came to the UK.

In these threads I do think it's funny how many people don't realise that the English way of doing surnames is just that, one country's solution, lots of countries have different ways of doing it (e.g.the russian male and female surnames or the Icelandic -son or -dottir ending to surnames) without confusion.

Yes, Darkside, do think about changing it back!

weatherall, "I've NEVER heard of a man saying "don't give the DC my name, it's shite" - read my post, that's what dh said about naming ds (well, not shite, but boring).

Darkside. if you arent happy change it!

She is only 4 weeks, insist back!

We gave DD DP's surname as I said above - at DP's insistence. She's four weeks old now and I'm still not entirely comfortable with this ; I'd prefer she had mine.

Hyphenated [myname]-[hisname]. It was entirely my choice, and I put [hisname] in there not so much for my ex's sake, but to nail down a connection to his extended family. (I have a good relationship with ex and with his extended family.)

When DS is bigger, if he wants to drop one of the names, I'm ok about it either way.

I must admit, if I had been more feminist in my thinking when the DCs were born I would have wanted DD to have my surname and DS to have DH's, but I didn't and can't change now. DD would have had to have a different first name though, hers would sound very silly with my surname.

I wasn't married when DS1 was born.

I felt the name on his hospital wrist tag when he was born was wrong as it had my surname, and not DH's. For some reason I felt strongly he'd been born into DH's "clan".

Also, I really didn't like my maiden name, and wouldn't have inflicted it on a child. I was thrilled to change my name when I married, as DH had a much nicer surname than me!

If I had intended never to marry, or stay with DH forever, the DC would have had to suffer my maiden name, as I want to have the same name as my DC.

Dc has both our names, no hyphen, but most people leave out dh's half as its difficult to spell/pronounce.

We had intended to take on each others surnames after we got married but never got round to it.

We are marrying next year.
DS has DPs name already.
I will keep my own.
DS has to have a surname and following the male line isn't a tradition that offends me.
I really couldn't care less about what others do with their own names, as it doesn't make a jot of difference to me.

Dc have both no hyphen.

A child I carried and gave birth to would never not have my name.

I've NEVER heard of a man saying "don't give the DC my name, it's shite/I don't like my dad
I have though

Yes, weebairn. I've NEVER heard of a man saying "don't give the DC my name, it's shite/I don't like my dad".

Patriarchal naming traditions send out as string message to our daughters and sons that women are less important than men.

APod, I'm married and ds has my surname, not dh's. Causes a few raised eyebrows where we live - it's quite a conformist suburban area. Tough tit to anyone who thinks its odd. FWIW it was dh's choice, I was going to give ds both surnames but dh said no, he wasn't bothered about his name. (To be fair, it is quite boring and at absolutely no risk of dying out.) Ds has his Granddads' first names as middles instead.

My DD has DP's surname. Mainly because

a) we will probably get married at some point
b) my surname is that of my biological father who I have absolutely no attachment to. In fact, I wish I'd changed it to my stepfather's surname years ago...