Changing my name

Why not do a bit of genealogy and find the 'lost' maiden surnames of your grans, great grans and great great grans?

Those names are just as much yours as your maiden surname.

It is a difficult dilemma when you don't like your own name but if you haven't felt the need to change it prior to marriage, marriage isn't a reason to change it.

If every generation of women keep saying this patriliniage will continue which sends a message to our DCs that women and what belongs to women isn't as important as men.

In some very patriarchal countries it is custom for women to keep their names and pass them onto their children (Spain, for example). Is it perhaps more to do with a particular country's tradition than simply a case of patriarchal structures? It is tricky because many (most?) people (male and female) want to share their name with their children. I'm all for more women choosing not to change their name (I think it's a good thing) but I can see why both men and women want their children to have their name... Without double barreling it has to be one or the other. It would be nice if it was more equitable in terms of who changes but I think, ultimately, family units will often want the same name so either the man or woman (in hetrosexual couples) will have to change rather than the child have the mother's name in every instance. I think many men would understandably find women choosing random names to give their kids a bit weird (in the case of just choosing a brand new name as mentioned earlier in the thread). Why should a father be happy for his kids to be called something his wife/partner just came up with?

I also think designating choices as feminist or unfeminist can be off putting. I am a feminist; I believe in political and educational equality, bodily autonomy, the right to live as freely and as openly as men. I understand the context around choices and how it can make them less free. BUT I am also capable of making a choice, within a context I understand, for my own reasons which are not as a result of the patriarchy which some would deem unfeminist. I see such choices as neither feminist or unfeminist but as neutral.

I am currently divorcing and changing my name back to my maiden name. I had all this angst and debate when I took XH's name: did it mean I wasn't a feminist, was it an anti feminist act; what were my motives; could it be justified; did it define me and was I being true to myself? Well what I should have been asking was why the fuck was I marrying someone who clearly didn't give a damn about any of that and wasn't prepared to recognise how important it was to me and wasn't prepared to support me in keeping my own name?

Why is Brewsters a feminist name?

I come from a line of Brewsters and only found out about it being a feminist name last year. So, if I ever feel the need to change my surname (unlikely TBH) I'll definitely be going for that one.

A teensy, tiny part of me toyed with the idea of taking my husband's name or double barrelling, but ultimately I think it is extremely important that feminists retain their names as a visible and outward sign of feminism. So that's what I did, and I couldn't be happier with my decision.

I tend to feel that if having your father's name had bothered you that much you would have changed it by now. It is your name just as much as his. By all means change it to your DH's but that isn't a feminist decision. Most of us make some decisions that are not feminist, it would be very hard not to, I kept my surname but wore an engagement ring for example.

I'm another that believes feminism is about equality, not choice. This is one instance where we can choose, but taking a DH's surname is not feminist just because it is a freely chosen action.

The point is that women of course should be able to make any choices they want to. But the fact that a woman is making the choice does not make it a feminist choice.

Awareness is the important thing. Do what you want, but do it mindfully.

Everyone's said what I would say

I am so BORED of women pretending they're changing their name only because their dp's is 'nicer'

Fwiw OP I kept my name. Couldn't think of a single reason to change it

I don't think it's a case of having to always make the feminist choice, but of recognising when you don't. Take your dh's name if you want, but don't tell yourself it's a feminist act just because it was your decision.

Okay, I fear we may be in danger of ending up at cross purposes. One of the end results of feminism (women's liberation) should be that women are able to make free choices, unconstrained by gender stereotyping, in all areas of their lives. In a perfect world without the Daily Mail sidebar of shame, for instance, fat might no longer be a feminist issue but simply a health issue affecting all human beings.

But we don't live in that feminist paradise. Having some choices is not the be all and end all of feminism - but if feminism makes progress, it will have the effect of opening up choices.

Which is why it is okay to say "this choice you're making - it's one of a rather restricted range of choices on offer, a range which is less than those being offered to men - don't you think that's a bit weird?" Or (in the specific case of married names) "this choice you're making - isn't it weird that it is - barring a few very unusual instances - a choice that only women get asked to make?"

I'm not going to say "you must not choose to do X because it is unfeminist." I don't believe in any form of coercion. But I do reserve the right to critique the choices made in the light of the fact that there are all sorts of social pressures acting as constraints on those choices, and those social constraints act differently on men and women. And I am not going to subscribe to the view that all choices made by women must be feminist choices because they're choices and they're made by women.

To take an extreme instance - I think a woman has a right to choose to protest against abortion, but that that choice is an anti-feminist one.

I agree with you Thurlow.

I posted this on a thread I started about feminist weddings.

While I would never have described myself as a very active feminist, nor do I do much more than lurk on/dip into these boards, I would always say I was a feminist.

But I get uncomfortable when things start touching on the aspect of it's not about doing what you want, having the freedom to do what you want, and moves towards the suggestion of feminism as a much stricter ideology. As in, don't change your name even if you want to, give your DC your name, the idea that doing or wearing certain things compromises feminism.

I appreciate this is probably an opinion that will get me flamed, but it starts to feel like a woman trading 'do what the patriarchy says you should for do' for 'do what feminist theory says you should'.

"The feminism I believe in allows women (and anybody else) to make the choices they want without fear of judgment, shame or guilt."

That's not feminism.

Choices like this have wider ramifications, and I think it's honest to accept that, even if you still decide to do it. I think we all have things that really matter to us, from a feminist perspective, and things that matter less, but it's disingenuous not to recognise the messages they send out.

Personally, keeping my own name matters to me very much. I don't think of it as my dad's name, any more than I think if it as my mum's, or my brother's, or my cousin's, or my aunt's. I think of it as my name, the name I've been known by for 41 years, and I can't imagine changing that. Happily, on this issue, my own views are in line with what I think is the best thing to do from a feminist perspective, so it's not a difficult choice (well, that and the fact that my dp of 22 years and I have no desire to get married anyway ).

There are other areas where I feel less comfortable that my choices represent the best interests of women (feeling the need to wear make up, get my hair coloured, etc.). I still go ahead and make those choices, but I hope that I'm usually honest enough to recognise that they are compromises to my feminist views, rather than hiding behind the 'feminism is all about choice' line.

Few men choose their wife's name.

I hate the 'I'm a romantic traditionalist want you all to know i am MARRIED shit'' disguised as 'I am a feminist its my choice, my name was ugly' stuff.

How about your mum's maiden name?\

It matters, as does giving your Dc your name.

Feminism isn't about being able to choose. It's about women's liberation.

Yes!

I'm getting married and changing my name. I like my own family name - I think of it as mine and my mum and dad and brother and sister's name, all people that I love, and that was my surname for the first bit of my life. Now I'm going to be the traditional Mrs DH family name. I like his name, and I love the bones of him so by association, it makes me like his surname even more. This will be my name for the next bit (and hopefully rest of) my life. I'm kind of looking forward to it, in the way that I liked eventually changing the address of my credit cards and stuff from the home where I grew up to address of the house I bought (didn't bother changing when I was renting). It's a wee bit exciting. Of course, I should be cool enough to choose a totally different, equality-neutral surname to mark this new bit of my life - something like Filibuster or Scaramouche or Dangermouse.
I think it is a little bit sad that all the surnames of all the women in my ancestry are pretty much lost to me; and also all of the surnames of all of the men in my ancestry, except the one original paternal great-great-etc-grandfather. But there you go, thousands of surnames into one don't go. I probably am pretty patriarchy - conditioned in this instance to want to share DH's name, but I don't mind that bit of patriarchy in my own case, getting married to this particular person. I'm glad there are other women who don't change their names though, and ones who take their mother's names or the odd Dangermouse.

OP do what you feel is right, feminism to me is about us having the freedom to make choices without judgment. Any form of feminism that judges free choices is as bad as the patriarchy as they want to decide for you just the same as the patriarchy. If you want to change to DH's name then do it and don't worry about the petty minded judgmental people who try to decide for you.

I changed my surname both times I got married to DHs' first time because I didn't like mine and the second time to get rid of XH's name.

I agree with toad, its not your father's name you would be keeping its your own name! Why do people think it is a choice of keeping their dads or changing to their DH. Do only men own the right to names?

You own that name as much as your father does.

Names don't belong to men. Everyone owns their own name. Why is your name your fathers, but your DPs name his own?

Your name is your name.