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Original poster

"too much of a bimbo to be a feminist"

86 replies

JokersGiggle · 07/06/2014 22:49

That's what my friend said to me.
She saw the book "everyday sexism" on my coffee table earlier and burst out laughing. I asked her what was funny and she said it was nothing, we carried on as normal then she left.
She's just emailed me saying "sweetie I saw your little feminist book earlier and I need to point something out to you - your too much of a bimbo to be a feminist! You wear makeup, have highlights, like to look good, didn't go to uni and you let your guy look after you"
i'm really hurt by this. Yes I like to look good as it make me happy. I didn't go to uni, I choose to work my way up in my career (and personally I think I've done well). Yes I do let dp take me out for dinner once or twice a week but that's because I cook each evening and as dp is a truely awful cook he like to take me out so im not cooking every night of the week as his contribution to food. And yes he does pay for more things than me but he earns quite a lot more than me so we devide bills in relation to salary rather than 50/50.
How do I explain that feminism isn't about how you look, who you are, what you do or how you've been educated; its a way of thinking and a way of life. I've tried but each draft email sounds either snobby or shows how much she's hurt me.
Can anyone help?

OP posts:
CoreyTrevorLahey · 08/06/2014 17:19

Fuck off is the only appropriate response, IMHO.

If she thinks she's a feminist and it's ok to denigrate you like that, she's very much mistaken.

ballsballsballs · 08/06/2014 17:15

Jokers, that's a great response. I hope she reads it.

AskBasil · 08/06/2014 16:12

Good for you JokersGiggle.

Thing about people like this is that they don't expect to be challenged on their behavior. Most of us ignore it, let it go, pretend it doesn't mean what it does, etc.

Well done for not doing that.

Smile
BillnTedsMostFeministAdventure · 08/06/2014 16:05

Op

Classy responses. Well done!

AnotherSpinningFuckingRainbow · 08/06/2014 14:34

Well done. She could do with a healthy dose of humility, maybe a read of Everyday Sexism will be a start.

LoveSardines · 08/06/2014 13:47

"little feminist book"????

She deserves to be ditched just for that.

She sounds like a nightmare. You know what, people do change, and she sounds awful now. Just because you used to get on with people doesn't mean you always have to. Even if it is a wrench because you have known them a long time.

From what you've said she sounds like a really horrible person so no loss if you call it quits. It's the dismissiveness, not a debate or conversation or a chat about it, but a patronising put down. Honestly she sounds grim.

Original poster
JokersGiggle · 08/06/2014 11:56

Just seen that I've missed words and letters out! I wrote properly to her!

OP posts:
Original poster
JokersGiggle · 08/06/2014 11:53

I've put my everyday sexism book through her door with a note saying
Have a read of this. my feminist beliefs mean a lot to me and the fact that you can not respect that speaks volumes about you.
I would not dare speak against your religion, what makes you think you can dismiss and be rude about my way of life?
Quite simply I do not want to associate with you until you can respect me and my views.
When your done with the book I would appreciate it if you could drop it back.
Jokersgiggle

How was that? I wanted to write "fuck off you judgmental cow! Read the book and recognise the struggles of everyday women. Look outside your little bubble and see the suffering of women in other countries and our own "advanced" country. Until you know be a decent woman who knows how to respect other you can fuck right off.

But I thought that was a bit viscous......one of the things I don't like about her is how viscous she can be, it would be a bit hypocritical to be viscous to her (I thought, but dp thinks I should have been more passionate and less "professional")

I miss my old friend but she's long gone Sad

OP posts:
ToAvoidConversation · 08/06/2014 11:14

I've had this before... You wear dresses and are married (and took your husbands name) therefore you are not a feminist.

Fuck off.

Maybe lend her your book?

EasyWhiteChocolate · 08/06/2014 11:02

I'd tell her to fuck off and leave it at that.

JaneParker · 08/06/2014 10:59

It sounds like she is deriding you for being a feminist (when in my view most people in the UK will at heart agree with feminism which is just equality under the law and fairness at home).

Lottiedoubtie · 08/06/2014 10:50

I don't understand why she thinks she gets a say in your beliefs/lifestyle? It's a very odd approach. I'm sure there are lots of people in the world rude enough to think these types of things, but to be ignorant enough to text them to the person...twice... That's really bizarre behaviour.

Staywithme · 08/06/2014 10:36

If you do respond, you've already the perfect words.

"I'd fight for my old friend(who would never make a comment like that) but this new version of you I'm not sure I want to be around. "

SandorClegane · 08/06/2014 10:30

Your 'friend' doesn't even have a minimal understanding about what constitutes feminism and what qualifies someone to describe themselves as a feminist so her twattery can be totally disregarded. She sounds like a total pain in the arse, how fortunate you have the perfect excuse to ditch her.

Original poster
JokersGiggle · 08/06/2014 10:26

I am furious! Woke up this morning to a text from her -
Hey babes I soz if I rubbed you the wrong way last night. You can be a feminist sympathiser if ya like, I won't say anything bad (to your face lol only joking!) Wanna come over for wine later?"
I've messaged back saying "no thanks" and left it at that.
Re career I'll never out earn dp (just being practical) but Im working with children so I gauge my success by changing childrens attitudes. It breaks my heart when the girls say things like "I want to build a spaceship but im a girl, that's a boy job"
Id rather earn less but educate children.

OP posts:
AskBasil · 08/06/2014 10:18

"You clearly haven't done the reading about feminism, may I recommend Mumsnet FWR as a useful starting point. Meanwhile I'm sorry that you feel so insecure and unhappy that you feel the need to put me down but I have too much respect for myself to want to have someone in my life who does that. Come back to me if and when you've decided not to do that anymore".

Fuck off at the end is optional. Grin

Lottiedoubtie · 08/06/2014 10:03

That's a weird personality transplant after a marriage?

Is it worth sitting her down and pointing it all out to her? Trying to find out what's wrong?

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 08/06/2014 09:26

I wouldn't bother with friendship she isn't worth it. I'd also be concerned about her relationship that she now enjoys ripping women to shreds to make herself feel better, she sounds miserable in herself and her choices.

Not that is an excuse.

JaneParker · 08/06/2014 08:14

Of course you are a feminist. Silly her. No one has control over the word or its definition.

Go forth and out earn your man, though.. it's fun. Good luck with the career.

Original poster
JokersGiggle · 08/06/2014 01:11

Before she was married she'd was one of those friends who you could call for help any time of the day or night and she'd happily do anything to help. She had a good career and always had options/views to share.
Since being married she's stopped working, has become obsessed with little trivial things like her coat being the EXACT shade of beige, the coffee being from the same place in Arabia, and if we eat out then God help the people serving us! The food must be cooked to perfection and placed in her idea of perfection. She'll send food back to be re-arranged with a diagram on a napkin for the poor waitress. And she's so critical of herself and others. It now takes her hours to get really and she enjoys when we're out saying loudly "oh my God! look at the womans (insert body part or item of clothing) its soooooo (insert insult".
I'd fight for my old friend (who would never make a comment like that) but this new version of her i'm not sure I want to be around.

OP posts:
EBearhug · 07/06/2014 23:44

Since when was going to uni a qualification for feminism?

I assume she hasn't read your "little feminism book"? I'd be tempted to send her a copy along with a note to say I'm sticking to my non-patronising friends from now on.

CatsCantTwerk · 07/06/2014 23:35

I never post on this topic but if she is your friend, talk to her. I know nothing about feminism but I know my fiends and if I had a problem I would speak to them and they would respond.

SconeRhymesWithGone · 07/06/2014 23:34

Sorry you're going through a stressful time, Jokers. Maybe she can be educated. Sometimes if people have feminism explained to them and hear a personal explanation from a friend, it can adjust their perceptions. Might be worth a chance, especially if she was an empowering friend in the past.

Original poster
JokersGiggle · 07/06/2014 23:19

I'm getting really angry now!
I'm going to leave replying for a day or so to cool off then I'll tell her I have no intention of continuing our friendship.
The last thing I need is someone dragging me down when i'm going through a stressful time.
Its a Shame as before she got married she'd never dream of saying something like that, she was great to be around and a really empowering friend. Marriage has changed her and not in a good way Sad .
Oh well, I guess i'm better off without her.

OP posts:
SconeRhymesWithGone · 07/06/2014 23:15

Well, maybe you could just text her the dictionary definition of feminism and point out that feminism is basically about belief.

Or tell her to fuck off.

Or both.