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Original poster

Need help on deciding whether to continue seeing this CPN

117 replies

Itsmynamechange · 02/06/2014 13:48

I may post this on the MH board as well but for the minute I'd like to post in what I know to be a very supportive place.

I have a raft of MH issues inc. depression (PN & regular!), OCD (PN & regular) as well as possibly PTSD from various traumatic experiences inc. rape. Yes I am a mess Sad

I have been referred to a CPN by my GP as my current set of meds just isn't cutting it and I am feeling suicidal. I saw the CPN today at a health clinic.

I was talking about my XP who raped me while I was asleep after I miscarried his baby due to a suicide attempt (first bf, rather naive as a teen, didn't know I was pg, rapes didn't happen directly after but a few weeks post miscarriage) and how when he gave up raping me he would still molest me while I slept (hands inside me etc).

The CPN told me he had done this to partners of his and he didn't see it as rape/abuse as it had been done by my then boyfriend and it 'he' (my XP) was feeling 'horny' that it would be normal for him to begin touching me sexually if I was sleeping next to him. I explain consent has to be given for it to be not assault/abuse as if you are asleep you can't consent let alone give enthusiastic consent. He seemed fairly shocked by this concept and suggested I post on facebook to see what other people thought (I had said I try to block out my thoughts by faffing about playing games/facebooking on my mobile rather than deal with life/the children).

We talked for quite a bit more after that and I brought up my being date raped on a 2nd date after I invited the man in question back to mine as the pub was a bit dead (he was a friend of a friend and it was early evening not kicking out time, neither of us were drunk so I thought I'd be safe). The CPN suggested I must have realised 'coming back to mine for a drink' meant come & have sex with me for most men. I explained I said no to sex, kept saying no to sex but gave up and went into shut down mode & let him get on with it (man was a lot taller & stronger than me and I was used to acquiescing to my XP's demands for sex [was easier than risking rape or more physical pain than usual]). The CPN then said something like 'ah, that was your OCD shutting you down'.

The CPN is now going to be paying me a home visit next week.

I don't know what to do (aside for eat my own body weight in valium Wink as I'm feeling even more anxious than before the appointment)

OP posts:
NanaNina · 05/06/2014 12:28

But back to the original thread - is there any possibility that this could have been a bogus CPN - difficult to perceive I know, but not impossible. A few years ago there was a spare of bogus social workers visiting families about the care of their children. There have also been cases of bogus doctors "working" in hospitals.

Just a thought.

basgetti · 05/06/2014 12:26

You are doing great OP, I hope you manage to get through to someone today x

NanaNina · 05/06/2014 12:25

Also Kristina I don't know how you perceive that I am in a position of power - regardless of my previous occupation where incidentally I was not in a position of power - authority maybe, but not power. I am a service user of mental health services myself and have the right to make comments without you consistently "jumping on me" at every given opportunity to point out my inappropriateness. I have my own views about your reasons for so doing but will keep those to myself.

NanaNina · 05/06/2014 12:19

Just realised you are talking to the OP Kristina but I am still waiting for your evidence that I have made racist comments.

NanaNina · 05/06/2014 12:16

Much as I am loathe to hi-jack this thread I must ask Kristina what on earth are you talking about? I have not made any claim about being assaulted on FB in my OP in this thread. Please evidence your allegation, alongside the one that I have made racist comments. Have you lost the plot????

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 05/06/2014 10:04

Well you did as he said and asked on social media if it was assault, and we've all agreed this man is a rapist. It's especially scary that he doesn't even see those things as wrong.

He may think twice in the future...

Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 03:10

Still can't sleep though. My gp rang today but I missed her call. I've not heard back from the cpn team leader so I guess I'll be chasing that up. Which is exactly what I need. I wish there was a system in place that when you needed extra help/sypport/raise an issue about your care that they came to you. I'm struggling enough as it is without having to do extra leg work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 03:10

Still can't sleep though. My gp rang today but I missed her call. I've not heard back from the cpn team leader so I guess I'll be chasing that up. Which is exactly what I need. I wish there was a system in place that when you needed extra help/sypport/raise an issue about your care that they came to you. I'm struggling enough as it is without having to do extra leg work.

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 03:03

I think he wanted me to see how 'normal' sexual contact with a sleeping partner was and to see if anyone else would think it was abuse as he said something like 'you should go on fb and ask if anyone else has heard of that before'. He said that after I explained about consent being unable to be given if asleep let alone enthusiastic consent. I made a quip about how I thought it had already been covered by plenty of feminists.

My fb is locked down pretty tight and I would never discuss this on anything but an anonymous forum like MN (if anyone knows me in my regular MN guise please keep it to yoyrselves ) or in a carefully moderated secret group on fb. I'd def. not put up a publicly accessible status asking if it was fine for my boyfriend to shove his hands in me until I bleed while I slept if he was 'horny'. I can't imagine the vile responses that would garner!

OP posts:
CaptChaos · 04/06/2014 23:49

I hadn't spotted that either OP. That is really weird. Why on earth would a HCP want you to post something like that on there?

I hope you're doing ok this evening.

KristinaM · 04/06/2014 23:43

OP , I just spotted the comments about Facebook in your original post.

You might want to check the privacy settings on your Facebook page to make sure that only people you want to can see it . The suggestion that you post about being assaulted on your FB is bizarre .

NanaNina · 04/06/2014 22:55

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KristinaM · 04/06/2014 16:38

Oops x posted with basil

KristinaM · 04/06/2014 16:38

That's not relevant nina. Racist comments are wrong, regardless of the ethnicity of the person making them.

Someone in a position of power ( you repeatedly post that you are a retired social worker ) telling a service user who is a survivor of abuse what they MUST to is inappropriate.

Everyone who has posted is horrified at this mans behaviour and wishes to see him dealt with so he can't treat other clients this way . No one is questioning your motivation, just the words you used and the placing of responsibility onto someone who may not be able to carry that burden

AskBasil · 04/06/2014 16:36

I don't NanaNina and I don't think it's relevant.

How you deal with someone abusing you, is entirely up to you - your decision, your call. I would be horrified if anyone told you you had to deal with being abused in a way that might not be right for you, that could re-traumatise you and re-victimise you. I would absolutely support your right to deal with your abuse and your abuser in the way that was right for you. I would never tell you that you simply must deal with it in the way I thought was right, which might be wrong for you.

I think that's pretty basic tbh.

NanaNina · 04/06/2014 00:55

AskBasil how do you know that I'm not the victim of abuse?

AskBasil · 03/06/2014 19:14

NanaNina I wish you knew how awful it is to tell the victim of any abuse how they must deal with it. It's really basic. Read basgeti's post.

OP I'm really glad you feel strong enough to report and hope your DH is loving and supportive all the way. Smile

CaptChaos · 03/06/2014 17:16

Itsmynamechange by even talking to your GP, MIND and asking to speak to the team manager, you have done something amazing. I am so sorry that you have been abused again by someone who should be there to help you.

No one here would judge you for not reporting, you are not responsible for this man's violent attitudes toward women. You are not responsible for what he has done to you. Even if his excuse is that you lead him to believe that he could speak openly, his opinions are so vile that he should know to keep them to himself. He sounds like a groomer, they also see how far they can go with their victims by saying outrageous things. I would be astounded if you were the first person to have complained about his inappropriate behaviour. The team should take your concerns seriously.

I am so glad you have real life support, and to see the support you have from the women on this thread. You are not some hysterical delusional woman, too many of us have been through similar and know how this plays out.

Do take care.

ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 16:38

I'm not awesome I promise. I've managed to keep up a good front so the children don't know anything is wrong but inside I'm a ball of writhing mess.

We're going to have to agree to disagree because you're wrong. Grin You are awesome, and brave, and clearly (whether you realise it or not) a very strong person.

Also "wrecking" the career of an admitted rapist who deals with vulnerable people is not something to be ashamed of! Whatever happens people will think of him differently now, and this might help a colleague who isn't trusting her judgment to speak up.

Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 03/06/2014 16:33

Blush I'm not awesome I promise. I've managed to keep up a good front so the children don't know anything is wrong but inside I'm a ball of writhing mess.

I appreciate the side discussion on reporting/not reporting as due to my OCD I am responsible for the whole world's wrongs anyway let alone now. If I don't report and the cpn goes on to actually abuse or deny that a client is being abused then I could have done something to stop it. On the other hand if I do report and its decided I'm just a hysterical delusional woman then perhaps I have wrecked his career for nothing. Or perhaps they will say I lead him to believe he could speak so candidly to me so I shouldn't be so sensitive.

I feel like I will be judged for reporting & judged for not.

Also I've never reported any of my rapes because who the hell would have believed me especiay after I stayed with xp for years after the initial rapes? I have no legal 'validation' or record of the events.

Blargh why does being abused/put in an inappropriate situation mean that you have yet more guff to carry around in your head? C

OP posts:
ReallyFuckingFedUp · 03/06/2014 14:11

You are awesome itsmynamechange :) you did a great thing Thanks

andsmile · 03/06/2014 13:51

Thats great you made those calls OP

basgetti · 03/06/2014 13:44

Hi OP, I'm so sorry you've had this experience. It's good that Mind are now involved, they were very helpful to me when I raised a complaint about an aspect of my own care a few years ago.

I also just want to say that CailinDana and Askbasil were absolutely right with their advice. One of the worst things for me in the aftermath of being assaulted was the pressure from others that I must pursue it because what if he did it again to someone else? It was horrible and led to me feeling a guilt and responsibility that wasn't mine to feel, and contributed to my trauma.

I'm glad you have support OP and well done on the steps you've taken so far.

PenguinsHatchedAnEgg · 03/06/2014 13:36

OP - Wow, you have been so busy, and so strong! Well done for feeling up to taking this forward.

Just to clarify, I agree with Cailin's point that you mustn't feel responsibility to report, my first post was meant to convey support in your analysis of the situation, not an obligation to 'fix' things with this man. You must be your first priority Smile

HeartsTrumpDiamonds · 03/06/2014 13:29

Wow I am impressed OP, you are being very strong and very brave. VWD.

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