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Original poster

Need help on deciding whether to continue seeing this CPN

117 replies

Itsmynamechange · 02/06/2014 13:48

I may post this on the MH board as well but for the minute I'd like to post in what I know to be a very supportive place.

I have a raft of MH issues inc. depression (PN & regular!), OCD (PN & regular) as well as possibly PTSD from various traumatic experiences inc. rape. Yes I am a mess Sad

I have been referred to a CPN by my GP as my current set of meds just isn't cutting it and I am feeling suicidal. I saw the CPN today at a health clinic.

I was talking about my XP who raped me while I was asleep after I miscarried his baby due to a suicide attempt (first bf, rather naive as a teen, didn't know I was pg, rapes didn't happen directly after but a few weeks post miscarriage) and how when he gave up raping me he would still molest me while I slept (hands inside me etc).

The CPN told me he had done this to partners of his and he didn't see it as rape/abuse as it had been done by my then boyfriend and it 'he' (my XP) was feeling 'horny' that it would be normal for him to begin touching me sexually if I was sleeping next to him. I explain consent has to be given for it to be not assault/abuse as if you are asleep you can't consent let alone give enthusiastic consent. He seemed fairly shocked by this concept and suggested I post on facebook to see what other people thought (I had said I try to block out my thoughts by faffing about playing games/facebooking on my mobile rather than deal with life/the children).

We talked for quite a bit more after that and I brought up my being date raped on a 2nd date after I invited the man in question back to mine as the pub was a bit dead (he was a friend of a friend and it was early evening not kicking out time, neither of us were drunk so I thought I'd be safe). The CPN suggested I must have realised 'coming back to mine for a drink' meant come & have sex with me for most men. I explained I said no to sex, kept saying no to sex but gave up and went into shut down mode & let him get on with it (man was a lot taller & stronger than me and I was used to acquiescing to my XP's demands for sex [was easier than risking rape or more physical pain than usual]). The CPN then said something like 'ah, that was your OCD shutting you down'.

The CPN is now going to be paying me a home visit next week.

I don't know what to do (aside for eat my own body weight in valium Wink as I'm feeling even more anxious than before the appointment)

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 06/06/2014 14:20

It was mirtazapine but thanks Lancelottie

OP posts:
Lancelottie · 06/06/2014 11:56

Mirazepam, perhaps?

Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 06/06/2014 10:52

I've spoken to my gp today who wants to take things further with regards to making a complaint. She also wants to put me on another med beginning with m (not midazolam but similar sounding) but not sure if compatible with breastfeeding so she's going to check and get back to me.

I feel so down but I've taken the younger children to the park to try and take my mind off things. Not working yet but sometimes you have to fake it to make it Wink

OP posts:
andsmile · 06/06/2014 09:52

Thanks I know you feel shit, but I think you are showing incredible strength.

You are self-aware.
Proactively doing a lot to help yourself - your reading and your positive affirmations about thoughts passing.
Seeking help in RL from your DM and MH team.
Using your medication
Talking it through on here.

I admire you.

AskBasil · 06/06/2014 08:28

Oh love, hang on in there. FWIW the abuse I experienced as an adult and child was over 30 years ago, I've had counselling and I've accepted that I still have no idea when or how I will be triggered by something unexpected just when I'm feeling fine. It's normal, it's natural and it's not our fault. Try not to focus on how the perpetrator of your abuse would feel about your response now, just allow yourself to grieve for yourself as and when you need to and don't feel bad about needing to. It's what you need to do to recover and live well in spite of it.

Thanks
crunchyfrog · 06/06/2014 06:54

.

Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 06/06/2014 02:36

Absolutely terrible if I'm honest. I've a three day medical exam thing coming up soon and I don't k ow if I can cope with this cpn business hanging over me too. The children are being marvellous but I can't imagine it's fun for them to have a mum with my issues as well as another health problem (which they now seem to think is somatic because of my history of abuse). I seem to be constantly reminded/affected by the abuse even though it was a long lo g time ago. If I found out its caused a somatic disorder to I don't know what I'll do. How can someone's need to dominate/punish still be wrecking things for me. I find every day life full of triggers. Watched an episode of Angel tonight & it triggered me, I just feel so fucked up and fucked off that my xp is still affecting me after so long. I bet he'd love this. I just wish I could sleep & not have nightmares (or be a snivelling self pitying mess - sometimes I feel so embarrassed to be me).

OP posts:
KristinaM · 05/06/2014 23:07

How are you feeling tonight, it's my name change ?

Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 18:31

Also are cpns in training allowed unsupervised access to patients? I would have thought they'd have a mentor with them all the time until the had qualified.

OP posts:
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 18:30

This reply has been deleted

Message withdrawn at poster's request.

SolidGoldBrass · 05/06/2014 18:23

Actually, I think NanaNina made a good point when she asked if the creepy man could in fact have been a bogus counsellor, or an unqualified (or in-training) one? It's certainly not unheard of.

Thinking of you OP.

choochootrain1 · 05/06/2014 16:22

I feel really creeped out by your CPN. I certainly don't think it's appropriate for him to continue in that role to you and I should inform his manager about his comments. And def make a complaint, not every woman will be as strong as you and he certainly sounds like someone who takes advantage of people's vulnerability. From my understanding, a CPN is not a trained psychologist/counsellor so lord knows why he felt discussing these difficult things in depth was his place in the first place?

It almost sounds like he's trying to rationalise these awful things as being due to your mental health, like he thinks you misread every situation ever because of it. You didn't!

SabrinaMulhollandJjones · 05/06/2014 16:02

Well done OP Thanks

KristinaM · 05/06/2014 15:57

Well done, you are very brave. It takes a lot of courage to do what you've done

Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 15:54

Well I've done it. I spoke to a female community liaison nurse blobby what's it as the team leader was unavailable who was lovely and reassuring. She cancelled the appt and is going to rearrange with another cpn. She's going to speak to the team leader so I don't have to keep talking about this and get back to me tomorrow about making a formal complaint if I feel up to it. I've had to take more Valium Sad

OP posts:
ReallyFuckingFedUp · 05/06/2014 14:55

Her point was, that being a victim of sexual abuse is not an excuse for making your comment. The same as being a victim of racism does not excuse making racist comments. It was just an analogy. She wasn't saying you had made a racist comment, at no point does she say you are racist, and she would have no way of knowing your ethnicity.

KristinaM · 05/06/2014 14:47

I'm glad to hear you have some family support. Please do follow Basgettis suggestion and get them to phone and cancel the appointment .

You could always say that you woudl prefer to see a female CPN and then deal with the complaint aspect of it later, if /when you feel stronger .

basgetti · 05/06/2014 14:35

I'm glad you've got your Mum with you, would it be possible for her or your DH to call and cancel the appointment on your behalf? It would be one less thing for you to have to deal with.

Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 14:08

Cpn appt isn't cancelled as I didn't think of it wheni rang the clinic Hmm

OP posts:
Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 14:07

My mum is over today as my health problems mean I am not able to look after myself/the children but I can't talk to her about what's going on as she doesn't know what went on in my previous relationship (just that he wasn't very nice to me). She knows the cpn was inappropriate during the appt but doesn't know how badly its affected me. I've not got a plan or serious intent to harm myself just feeling like I should. I've a few things I read when I get like this that remind me the feelings will subside I just have to keep holding on.

OP posts:
NanaNina · 05/06/2014 13:58

I see you are using the tactic of ignoring my posts Kristina which of course is your right. However I think I have a right of reply to your allegations that I have made racist comments, and that I am in a position of power over a service user who is a survivor of sexual abuse. If you choose to ignore this I will take it as evidence that you have no defence.

Reallyfeelingfedup here is Kristina's comment of 4th June:

That's not relevant nina. Racist comments are wrong, regardless of the ethnicity of the person making them

KristinaM · 05/06/2014 13:35

I'm so sorry to hear you are feeling so down, no wonder when you've had so much to deal with this week. Processing all this stuff, trying to get it sorted out in you head and then having to fight to make a complaint is very exhausting, mentally and physically. Please go easy on yourself and don't take on more than you can.

Can I just check that the CPN visit for next week has been cancelled or allocated to another worker ? You don't want to have that worry

Do you have someone in RL who can come over and be with you today, or even chat on the phone? And do you have a plan in place for what to do if you think you might be going to harm yourself ?

Original poster
Itsmynamechange · 05/06/2014 13:26

No not heard from anyone & I've not been well enough to either (I have another health condition/disability that reared its ugly head today). I feel terribly suicidal (not going to act on it just feeling it) as this incident feels like another brick in the wall. I have my lovely husband and friend for RL support but there's only so much snivelling about poor old me that I'd inflict on anyone.

OP posts:
ReallyFuckingFedUp · 05/06/2014 13:08

I'm no sure if you are being sincere or not nana, but kristina was not saying you had made racist comment. Reread her post.

KristinaM · 05/06/2014 13:03

OP, did you manage to talk to the GP or the CPN team leader ? I'm sorry that you are not getting much support in this

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